Greetings
fellow film geek, my name is TheCinemaChick and I see a lot of movies. I’ve been fairly quiet as of late, but things
happen folks. I got busy and enrolled
for college. Yeah, I have technically
finished my degree, but there’s one class that has been eluding me. I must face College Algebra once more. It sucks.
Now, I have
been getting asked one thing a lot lately.
People note that I complain about being broke all the time. How do I afford to go out to a theater all
the time? Well, I avoid buying snacks
and drinks when I go, which saves me some cash.
I usually go during matinee hours.
And oh yes, I am actually a film critic.
That seriously is my job. I am
employed to write about films. So there
you have it. I’m frugal and I’m a
writer.
I don’t
mean to sound so uppity, but people assume I’m a lazy bum who does
nothing. That’s just not the case. I do many things, most of which I don’t
bother talking about because it’s just not that interesting. Do you really care if I babysit my nephews or
if I knit a blanket?
Didn’t
think so.
Let’s move
on.
Now, this
movie took me weeks to see just because I waited to watch it for a reason. Butterfly just had a birthday and he wanted
to see “Dark Shadows”. So I took him to
see it this past Monday. We also had Fry
with us and when the three of us get together, we usually have a good time. Plus, I’m a huge Tim Burton fan. Anything his name is on, I will watch and
endorse. Add Johnny Depp into that mix
and I will gladly go see it.
That’s why
this review has been so difficult to write.
I really
didn’t like “Dark Shadows”. Yeah, it was
based off an old soap opera that ran from 1966-1971, which sort of explains the
campiness of the movie, but come on.
Soap operas are melodramatic stories with completely incoherent plots
that have a twist added in every episode.
Keep in mind programs like this tend to run for decades. So let’s take a series that ran for five
years and cram it into two hours. It
just can’t be done. In fact, I’m not
sure if this is a remake, reboot or a parody of the original. I haven’t seen the Jonathan Frid version of
this, so I can’t say.
Now, my
main problem is exactly what I mentioned. It’s an entire series of a soap opera
shoved into a two hour time frame. My
old Creative Writing professor would call it a “condensed novel”, which is
where you cram way too much into too small a space. I mean, in “Dark Shadows”, they tell the
story of Barnabas in his youth, how he became cursed, his imprisonment, his
release, how his ancestors are persevering, the failing seafood business, the
new love interest, the witch’s jealousy, Barnabas restoring the family’s honor,
the child who sees ghosts, the deadbeat dad, awkward sexual scenes all leading
up to a really disappointing ending involving a werewolf.
I want you
to think about that for a moment. I just
told you the plot of the entire film.
Trust me, it’s really unimpressive.
I could probably handle a good chunk of this, but having it all in there
was just confusing. They tried to do too
much with no success. Good lord, this
movie had like five producers, including Depp and not one of them said, “We
should think about streamlining this just a tiny bit.”
Also,
here’s another thing that has been bothering me. How does Barnabas Collins have relatives when
he’s been locked in a coffin for two hundred years? The movie never once hinted that he had
siblings or cousins or anything. Yet,
two centuries later, he still has family.
Did he have children with his lover before they married or was he seeing
a mistress? This is never explained!
Ok, Tim
Burton, let’s chat for a moment. When
making films, you have this awesome talent of creating a world and telling me
everything about it. Good lord, look at
the masterpieces that are “Nightmare Before Christmas”, “Corpse Bride” and
“9”. Those movies give me everything in
an hour and a half. “Dark Shadows” told
me absolutely nothing except that Barnabas Collins has a stalker. I went into this expecting a campy, cheesy
comedy about a vampire trying to fit in when he awoke in the 1970s, but it was
just dry. There was nothing really
exciting about it.
Johnny Depp
looked horrible. Vampires are supposed
to be pale, but he looked like he’d just laid down in a tub of white
paint. Literally, he was whiter than
White Out, with badly contoured cheeks.
The makeup was such a huge let down.
It’s worse than Peter Facinelli in “Twilight”. And I’m sad to say that even though I loathe
and abhor “Twilight” the makeup for the Carlisle Cullen character was superior
to this. Everyone else was passable, but
Depp was not. I will admit Helena Bonham
Carter looks good as a redhead.
Another
huge letdown for me was the fact that Depp had no chemistry with almost the
entire female cast. Bella Heathcote
plays Victoria Winters, who just happens to be Collins’s reincarnated, murdered
lover. When they were onscreen together,
they looked awkward, almost like they really didn’t want to be near each other. For that matter, the love interest is barely
in the film. After her introduction, she
just disappears and pops up every now and then.
They do end up together after he turns her into a vampire, but the whole
romance angle just doesn’t work at all.
Even the
villain was just bad. Angelique (played
by Eva Green) is a witch, who is apparently immortal who is “in love” with
Barnabas. She calls it love, I call it
an obsession. Basically, Angelique wants
Barnabas and has wanted him since the 1700s when she killed his parents, cursed
his fiancée then cursed him to be a vampire.
I’m a little skeptical on the whole “vampires are just cursed people”
thing. Anyway, Angelique spends her time
on screen being irritating or annoyingly sexual. I understand she’s a lusty character, but did
it have to be that obvious? And once
again, absolutely no chemistry. Instead
of enjoying her as a villain, I just wanted her gone.
Overall, I
was just disappointed. I expected too
much and was severely let down. And it’s
considered a failure. Then again, it
came out right after “The Avengers” so it really never had a chance to be
successful.
This may be
a summer of disappointment.
So there
you go. “Dark Shadows” isn’t worth your
time or money. The plot is weak, the
acting is subpar and its not funny. Go
see “The Avengers” again instead.
I’m
TheCinemaChick and I’m walking on sunshine, whoa oh oh, I’m walking on
sunshine!
