Not So Magic Mike

**This review will contain strong language, sexual content and Channing Tatum.  You have been warned.**

            Greetings and salutation, dear reader.  I am the chick of the cinema, better known as TheCinemaChick.  I know I haven’t quite gotten back into the swing of things like I said I would, but you know, things happen in my real life.  I’m still plowing through that algebra course, I’ve got things going on, people to cheer up (which apparently, is a one way street.  So…I spent two days helping someone out and he couldn’t do the same for me.  Thanks a lot) and of course…I met a boy.  I don’t want to jinx it because I really like him so let’s move on to the film I am so ashamed to admit I paid to see.

            In 2011, Bridesmaids broke me.

            In 2012, Magic Mike broke my brain.

            Yeah…I finally broke down and went to see Magic Mike, the film Channing Tatum called “semi-autobiographical”.  If that’s really what his life has been like, then good lord, I can see why he has no issues getting naked.  While I’m liberal and I can handle almost anything you throw at me, this was something I was no prepared for.  I can’t even call this a film.  There is no plot, no character development, no conflict…how the hell did this become so popular?

            Oh yes, that’s right.  Man candy.

            I’ve made my feelings known about Channing Tatum.  I don’t like him, I don’t find him attractive and I don’t think he’s a good actor honestly.  The weird thing is, about halfway into “Magic Mike”, I felt like the story wasn’t even about him anymore.  It switches to being more about Adam, Mike’s protégée of sorts, played by Alex Pettyfer.   Admittedly, I don’t like Pettyfer either.  In fact, I don’t like most of the people in this film.  Which then makes you wonder, why would I see this movie if I had zero interest in it?

            To which I respond: the same reason I read that literary waste “50 Shades of Grey”.  I wanted to know what the big deal was.  I won’t get started on “50 Shades” because honestly…I’m writing something on that for later.  Plus, it’s an abomination.  It’s absolutely horrible.  People, it’s a thinly veiled version of “Twilight”!  It’s “Twilight” porn!

            *takes a deep breath*

            Anyway, I waited for Magic Mike to lose some of its steam before going to see it because I didn’t want to deal with the huge crowds.  Even then, I still regret seeing it.  Other than the fact that it’s disorganized, unfocused, unclear and was just bland as a bowl of plain oatmeal, it was offensive.  I had to look away several times because that kind of content should be reserved for late night Cinemax on the weekends.  For instance, towards the beginning, Mike is talking to someone on the right side of the screen.  On the left side of the screen is a penis.  Yes, a penis.  It’s in a pump, being pumped and it’s in the foreground so it’s impossible to miss.  However, I did.  I was watching the actors talk and Fry pointed it out to me.

            But come on!  This film is already rated R and this scene alone should have pushed it to NC-17.  I’ve watched Michael Fassbender’s NC-17 film “Shame” and it wasn’t as graphic as this.  I actually enjoyed “Shame” because it had a solid plot, conflict and character development.  “Magic Mike”…when the movie ended and the credits began, I actually said, in a my normal speaking voice, “WTF is this shit?”

            (I do apologize for my foul language.  Trust me, the movie was worse.)

            So, as if seeing multiple penises wasn’t bad enough, there’s so much more going on.  There’s drinking all the time, people taking ecstasy throughout, and on my good lord, who uses the F-word THAT much in real life?  Ok, I can think of one person, but for most normal people, no one needs to drop that many F-bombs!  I swear every sentence from every person in that film had to say fuck.  (Again, apologies, but seriously, in the first five minutes, I lost count of how many times that was said.)

            Now, let’s talk about the male strippers, who rarely ever show up.  Yes, for a film about male stripping, there was a surprising lack of male stripping.  I’ve already mentioned Tatum and Pettyfer, who are the main focus, but there are a few more.  Joe Manganiello of True Blood fame plays “Big Dick Richie” and that penis I mentioned earlier…it’s implied that it’s his.  We also have Ken, played by Matt Bomer.  Who is Matt Bomer?  I honestly have never heard of this guy.  There’s also Tito, who had almost nothing to do with anything.

            Then we come to the biggest surprise and disappointment of the film.  Kevin Nash plays Tarzan.  I’ll admit, I’m a fan of professional wrestling.  Nash was a huge star in WCW, TNA and even in WWE.  In “Magic Mike” it was painfully obvious that he was only doing this for a paycheck.  His choreography was pathetic and he didn’t have many lines.  Someone younger, more attractive and more into the role should have been cast instead of Kevin Nash.

            I hated this movie.  I don’t think I have ever hated a film so much that I wish I had a TARDIS so I could go back in time and stop myself from seeing it.  It’s so bad that it’s currently winning for worst movie of the year.  Yes, “The Devil Inside” was better than “Magic Mike”. 

            After seeing this film, I could not even say a sentence.  I was broken.  I could not think straight.  Poor Kit Kat had to listen to a fifteen minute rant of me, babbling incoherently about how bad this movie was.  I summed it up to her as: Boring, penis, stripping, boring, boring, boring, boring. PENIS, boring, sex, boring, stripping, drugs, boring, boring, boring, boring, drinking, drugs, BABY PIG, boring, boring, stripping, boring, boring, boring, done.  I literally could not think of a better way to sum up that movie.  It was horrible, had awful characters and it was left so open that it was as disappointing as the stripping scenes.  Tatum’s character has goals in life and he tries to achieve them, but no…those goals become big lipped alligator moments.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s when something is brought up once, has no play in the overall plot and never mentioned again.

            This movie was solely made the hot men in it and marketed solely towards women.  It’s disgusting.

            Do us all a favor and skip “Magic Mike”.  Go to a real strip club if you  want to see men taking their clothes off for money.  I hated it with a passion.  I’ve never been so ashamed to admit seeing a movie and I saw the Hannah Montana film.  

            This movie is so bad, I don’t even have a rating for it.  It’s nothing but shameless nudity and penises.  It’s offensive when it’s not boring and absolute crap. 

            Also, they are considering a sequel to this film.  Do us all a favor and do not make the sequel.  Spare us.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I hope my next film is better.

The perfect date movie

            Hey everyone, please call me TheCinemaChick!  I’m your anonymous girl in the movie theaters and once again, I’m here to let you know what’s going on in the Hollywood world.  But before we get to that, I’d like to add in a disclaimer.  You see, in my last review, I got a comment that made me feel a bit bad.  So, here’s my new disclaimer which might have to appear in all my future blogs.

            **I am not the authority on movies.  I’m just a critic and an amateur one at that.  Just because I don’t like something, it doesn’t mean you have to hate it too.  Everything I write is my opinion.  Don’t let me decide things for you.  Go out and see movies then make your own decision on whether its good or not.  You may even notice something I don’t and change my mind about it.

            One more time: I just give opinions.  I don’t have the final say on what you see.**

            Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the movie!  I know, I meant to have this posted earlier in the week, but things just keep getting in the way.  I’d be ready to write, then be called away.  Someone would get sick so I’d have to babysit or be on standby in case I needed to run out.  Things were just crazy but now I have some down time so I’m finally getting around to reviewing the hit romance flick, The Vow.

            As I’ve mentioned several times before, I’m not a huge fan of romantic comedies because they come off as formulaic and predictable.  Technically, this one follows that same pattern, but with a twist.  If you’ve seen the previews, you know it’s about a woman who loses her memory due to a horrific car wreck and the great lengths her husband goes to in order to remind her of their life together.  Sounds pretty straightforward and simple, I admit.  And overall, it is very simplistic and low key.  There’s no fancy camera work, no trick photography, just a story unfolding in front of your eyes.

            The lead roles are played by Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams.  Paige (McAdams) suffers a terrible head injury due to an accident.  I have to warn you, this scene might be mildly disturbing to sensitive viewers.  It’s done in slow motion, so you get to really experience the wreck, down to the moment where she hits her head.  It’s graphic but it really gets you into the story.  After that, it becomes the typical Hollywood romance movie I’ve already seen a hundred times before.  Only instead of a meddling friend or overbearing parent, the leading lady has amnesia.

            The movie is fairly slow paced, almost agonizingly slow.  I watched this movie with Fry and Unown and all three of us were bored.  That’s not to say it was bad, but it just didn’t appeal to us like we thought it would.

            Here’s my thoughts on why I personally didn’t like but others would.  The main focus of the film is the relationship between Paige and Leo (Tatum).  It’s sweet, it’s beautiful and it’s very touching, but as a single woman, I can only dream of a man who’ll go to that much effort to be so great to me.  I don’t have a boyfriend to spoil me or take care of me when I need it.  If you have a significant other, you’ll watch this and think of them and all the things they have done or would do for you.  

            It’s a great couple’s movie.  The Vow will make you think of why and how you fell in love with someone.  It also makes you think, “What am I willing to do for the one I love?  How far will I go to protect and help them?”

            While I am disillusioned in the romance department, I do have some fond moments of when I felt truly loved.  Like…my last boyfriend, the Gopher (weird name, but he kept falling in holes, so we called him a gopher), was a sweet guy.  When I found out several of my close friends had been lying to me about something fairly important, I asked him if he’d ever lied to me.  He spent an hour on the phone with me assuring me that he was always honest.  Knowing he gave up an hour of sleep for me made me feel like I was special.  Granted, a few months later we parted ways…I do miss him very much but he’s moved on.

            I mean, no guy has ever bought me flowers or anything special like that, but still, the idea that maybe some day, some guy can see past my physical flaws and learn to love me for who I am, not what I look like.

            I’m off topic.  Apologies.

            The Vow is a great movie to see when you’re on a date, but be warned, because it is such a quiet movie, you might hear that movies in the next theater.  I had that problem and it detracted from the overall experience.  Plus, I’m not a fan of Rachel McAdams and I know nothing about Channing Tatum.  I couldn’t tell you what movies he’s been in.  Oh wait, yes I can…he was in GI Joe.

            Overall, I’m very on the fence about this one.  I didn’t hate it, but I don’t love it.  I still stand by my statement that it is the perfect movie for couples to see.  Hell, if you enjoy romantic movies, you’ll love this.  As for me, I could have done without it.  While it was endearing and sweet, it just did nothing for me.  I do know that it was based off a true story, which is another reason I can’t hate it.  I like the idea that some guy actually did all this for his wife because he loved her so much.

            If you want a nice heartwarming film, check out The Vow.  If you like Rachel McAdams or Channing Tatum, go see this.  *Men, a heads up, there is a nude scene where Tatum’s backside is shown.  Just telling you now*.  I can see why its done so well and why so many people are raving about it.  However, it’s just not my favorite genre so I personally didn’t care for it as much as others.  Maybe I have some hang ups, maybe I just don’t like the obvious formula used in every romantic comedy out there.  I don’t know, but The Vow was not my favorite movie.

            Save this one for date night.  Go out to dinner then see this.  It’ll make you appreciate your significant other in ways you might not have imagined before.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I’m most likely wearing a hoodie at this very moment.