Top 12 of 12: Worst of

            Hello everyone, it’s December and you know what that means.  It’s time for TheCinemaChick’s annual Best Of/Worst Of lists!  Let’s kick this party off with my worst of list.  Let me remind everyone how this works.  I’ve ranked these twelve movies in order from tolerable to abomination.  Basically, the first film you see will be one that sucked, but I’d be willing to watch it again.  The last film in the list will the one that even I’m ashamed to admit I’ve seen.  With that said, let’s jump into it.

12. Snow White and the Huntsman

            Charlize Theron was amazing in this movie.  Chris Hemsworth was pretty to look at.  Visually, it was stunning.  Let’s face it, Kristen Stewart is incapable of showing emotions and is just one of the worst actors around.  She appeals to me as much as ice hockey.  Overall, it wasn’t all that bad.  If the main actress had been different, it would have been better.  Let’s not forget that this is the film where Kristen Stewart met the man she would cheat on Robert Pattinson with.  

            And oh yes, it’s a complete rip off of the Hayao Miyazaki film “Princess Mononoke”.  Filmmakers admit that they were inspired by it, but there is a huge difference between paying homage to something and copying it.

11. Silent Hill: Revelation

            This movie sucked.  The saving grace is that is has Sean Bean in a recurring role that helped maintain continuity from the first movie and Pyramid Head.  Seriously, I have a twisted little crush on Pyramid Head.  However, another reason I liked it is because it goes from mundane to macabre.  The demented carnival where Alessa is faced once more is pretty cool, along with the final battle between the creepy villainess and Pyramid Head.

            Beyond that, it was another horror movie that lacked action and horror.

10. Red Tails

            I was excited to see this one, until I saw it.  The idea of doing a historical drama over the Tuskegee airmen is a good one.  Had this been done as a documentary, I would have enjoyed it more.  It lacked action, clarity and decent visuals.  Because George Lucas had a hand in this, all the computer animation is very reminiscent of Star Wars.  My main problem was that the movie tried to have too many main characters.  There were five or six of them and I never got their names, so I was confused.  And during the action sequences, there wasn’t much going on.  It was mostly cuts to different actors speaking their dialogue until the fight was over and they went back to base.  I just couldn’t get into it.

9. Dark Shadows

            I felt so horrible about hating this.  It’s a Johnny Depp and Tim Burton collaboration, which normally I love but this…I couldn’t enjoy this.  It was poorly written and just so damn boring.  I hated most of the characters, they left way too many loose ends and there were way too many moments of convenience to satisfy me.  Johnny Depp looked horrendous in his make up.

            Despite all that, it was wonderfully campy, which is what the movie was aiming for.  Helena Bonham Carter was pretty good, the scenery was fairly decent and for what it was worth, it was cute.

8. Gone

            Good lord, this movie was bad.  It was a kidnapping mystery that was so generic is was forgettable.  Amanda Seyfried was trying to break free of her good girl image by playing a mentally unstable girl who goes in search of her sister.  The thing is, I couldn’t get past the stupidity.  She’s mentally ill, which the entire town knows but she still manages to get a gun.  She doesn’t get arrested, even though she admits all her wrongdoings, such as killing someone, stealing a car, breaking and entering.  None of her actions had any consequences and she just walks away.  This was basically a happily ever after story.

            If it hadn’t been so bland, this would have been good.  I don’t think Amanda Seyfried is quite ready for such intense roles, but who am I to judge?

7. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

            Nicholas Cage should really consider retiring from acting.  His last few movies have been bombs and this one was no different.  His acting is subpar, the plot is pretty much paper thin and the continuity from the first film is ruined.  Ghost Rider’s origin story is changed, the rules about being the Ghost Rider apparently changed between films and even then, he’s just pathetic.  Most of the time, Johnny Blaze is whiny and unwilling, not the best thing for a hero.  The villain was not threatening at all but was more of a comic relief.

            I just want to point out that Idris Elba was in this movie and even he failed to make it good.  I regret seeing it in 3D because that was a waste of money.

6. Paranormal Activity 4

            Does this one really need explaining?  It’s like cheating on a term paper.  Copy and pasted nonsense with cheap scares.  And they’re making another one.

            I wish I was joking.

5. Chronicle

            This movie, I think, was geared more towards young men than late 20s women.  I didn’t appeal to me at all, but I can see how guys liked it.  Plus, it was another “found footage” film, which used to be original, but now it’s just lame.  We get it, you want a film to look “real” but this is so obviously fake.  After a while, it just becomes three guys arguing and one going completely insane.  That one ends up using his powers to destroy the city and ends up getting killed.  And the lead up to the major battle is so boring.  A lot of it is one kid and his crappy family.

            Guys, you might like this one, but I sure as hell didn’t.

4. Sinister

            First off, the demon is named Bughuul, which to me sounds like something you’d name it if you couldn’t think of anything else.  Ethan Hawke stars in this movie but he’s so bland he could put an insomniac to sleep.  Once again, it’s a horror movie that fails to deliver the horror.  Almost nothing happens and when it does, it’s just not shocking.  Most of the time, he’s just watching the Super 8 film of old murders or talking to some cop.  Granted, the ending was pretty horrible.  And in this case, I don’t mean it in a “this movie sucked” horrible.

            It turns out Bughuul makes children kill their families.  So one girl ties her family to a tree with some nooses and they are all hanged.  Another child ties and gags her family, then uses a lawn mower to go over them.  One boy ties his family to lawn chairs and pushes them into a pool.  The fact that children are responsible for all of this is incredibly disturbing.  Well played “Sinister”, well played.

3. The Apparition

            I understand that certain actors want to break out of their defining roles, but this is not the film to try that with.  It stars Ashley Greene (Alice from Twilight), Sebastian Stan (Bucky from Captain America) and Tom Felton (Draco from Harry Potter).  This is all about how a psychological experiment goes wrong when they try to bring a demon into this world.  Well, guess what moron, if you bring a demon into the world, it’s going to try and kill you.  Apparently, someone didn’t tell this to this group of geniuses.  For almost the entire film, Alice and Bucky (I’m not going to bother using their character’s names) see weird things going on but do nothing about it.  They argue about it like it can be taken care of that way.

            And to make things better, they bring in Draco, who doesn’t really do anything to help the problem.  And their deaths are just ridiculous.  Draco dies by closet, no joke there.  The ghost drags him into a closet and that’s it.  Bucky just vanishes then appears in a wall.  Not sure how that works out.  Alice walks into a CostCo, which is magically open just for her, sits in a tent and sobs while strange grey hands grab her.  That’s it.  The movie just ends, leaving no feeling of satisfaction or resolution.  This year has been all about disappointments.

2. Magic Mike

            Women flocked to the theaters to see this one.  Sure, it had hot men stripping, but that was such a minute point.  There’s maybe three scenes of stripping while the rest is just boring.  Most of it centers around Channing Tatum trying to get a loan, talking about his love of making furniture, trying to win a girl over and teaching Alex Pettyfer how to be a man whore.  It was pretty boring.  When it’s not excruciatingly dull, it’s just vulgar.  There is a lot of drug use and if you like the F word, there is no shortage of it here.  Seriously, their vocabularies are severely reduced to cursing, sexual banter, drug talk or idle prattle.  Oh, did I mention the giant penis?  Yeah, there’s a scene where a man’s penis is being pumped.  It’s not subtle at all.  And it’s close to the camera so there’s no escaping it.  I have no problem with sexual situations or nudity when it’s done in a tasteful manner, but this…this is just obscene.

            This movie was filth.  I’m ashamed to say I sat through it.  

So, what movie did I absolutely hate with a passion?  What film can top the disgusting content of Magic Mike?  

1. The Devil Inside

            This movie was like a giant middle finger to the movie going populous.  It was basically false advertising.  There was no truth to the story, even though it claimed to be based on an actual event.  I researched this and it’s all a marketing ploy.  Most of the film is absolute crap with multiple exorcisms, most of which seemed unnecessary.  The only thing that added a little interest was the priests.  One of them becomes possessed.  He goes to church to perform an immersion baptism, which is where a baby is completely dipped in water.  He tries to kill the baby but is stopped just in time.  A few minutes later, he commits suicide, which causes the main girl to have a seizure.  It turns out she now has the demon in her.  So remember kids, demons spread like germs.  She is taken to the hospital, because that’s what I’d do when someone is possessed.  When they realize she needs to be taken to a church, she is put in the smallest car imaginable.  A priest, a possessed chick and a camera man go on a road trip.  She touches the camera man and he gets the demon.  The ending is a series of title cards, telling the audience to visit a website

            “The Devil Inside” was crap.  In fact, many critics have dubbed it the worst film of 2012 and I couldn’t agree more.  The “found footage” movement needs to stop and I hope this films disappears from history.  I honestly hate this film more than words can ever express.  

            In fact, this is so bad it almost makes “Liz and Dick” look good.  And that movie was fairly horrible in its own right.

            Honorable mentions for worst of 2012:

            Mirror Mirror: While it was campy, it had its moments.  Snow White was a better role model and she was able to fend for herself, but overall, it just didn’t do anything for me.  It could have been better.

            Wrath of the Titans: It was just laughable.  It’s so bad its funny.

            So there you go fellow cinephiles!  My top 12 of 12: Worst of edition.  I will be working on my Best Of list soon, but I am waiting to write it.  See, I’m going to see The Hobbit with Fry on Saturday.  Since I’m amped to see it, it might be a last minute entry to my list.  Don’t get me wrong, the list is written but not set in stone.

            Let’s share!  What are your worst films this year?  What did you absolutely hate?  Let me know!  Tweet me @TheCinemaChick or send me an email TheCinemaChick@yahoo.com.  I’m not mean and I promise I won’t bite.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I love rock and roll.

Breaking up with Breaking Dawn

            Hello to one and all who still occasionally tune into my blog!  I’m TheCinemaChick and I like to talk about movies I hate…and love.  Now, I know I promised a vlog with a bunch of my girls but as you can see, that didn’t happen.  We did go to the last Twilight marathon and things just didn’t go as planned.  I will fully take the blame for what happened because this whole thing was my idea.  For the sake of everyone involved, I won’t go into what I did to screw up so bad.  And as you can see, I’m not doing a vlog alone either.  Well…guess who managed to catch the flu when we have weather that’s in the low to mid 80s?  Yeah, that’s right, I did.  So because I’m not feeling so hot (which is ironic considering I have a fever), I’m writing this one.

           So, even though it’s about two or three weeks late, let’s jump into the “worldwide phenomenon” and its “epic finale”.  I use the phrases loosely because when I think of epics, I don’t think of Twilight.  I think of Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and Les Miserables and On The Road.  To me, the whole Twilight fad is a pop culture icon, but not a literary classic.  Let me phrase it this way: If you are a die hard Twilight fan, by all means, be one.  Just give the rest of us a chance to explain why we either hate it or don’t care for it as much.

            Also…Robert Pattinson hates Twilight.  While on that subject, I just want to get something off my chest.  Why would you take a role if you absolutely loathed it?  I wonder if he did it just for the money, which I’ll admit is probably a good reason since it’s made billions overall.  Also, if you hate the character of Edward Cullen so much, you’d made another major mistake because you are no forever branded as that one character.  To me, taking this role, despite your personal feelings for it makes you a sell out.  And it’s not like he did it to make Kristen Stewart happy.  She cheated on him with a director twice her age.

            Enough of my personal dislike of certain things.

            “Breaking Dawn Part Two” is the end of the series.  It picks up right where the last one left off..  However, there are some really, really long opening credits to sit through first.  Ok, it’s one giant metaphor for Bella’s change.  It’s just time progression shots of things being frozen.  Seriously, this lasts for about four minutes.  Interesting note though, this is the only Twilight film to even have opening credits.  Once that is finally over, it goes straight to Bella waking up.  Let me dive straight into one of my main problems now and get it over with.

            Every Twilight film has the same exact layout, a four act play of blandness.  Nothing happens for the first two acts, major action in the third act and the final act is Bella and Edward in some kind of romantic setting.  That’s great for maybe two films but this seriously last for almost the entire series.  The only exception is the first installment of Breaking Dawn because it involves Bella’s death.  Would it have killed them to mix it up a little?  I know the books are the same way, but take some artistic license with the text to make it more interesting.

            Now, the first act of this movie is Bella learning to be a vampire, which I’ll admit, I found pretty cool.  We get to see how they see.  So she sees every fiber on the carpet and all the dust in the air.  When she goes on her first hunt, we see her at normal vampire speed, but then the frame slows down to show the audience how it seems so slow to them, but fast to us.  But, after this, it goes back to mundane.  I couldn’t believe Kristen’s acting when she was supposed to beat up Jacob for imprinting on her mutant offspring.  And before you get upset at that, Reneesme is a mutant.  She’s half human, half vampire.

            You know how people say Kristen Stewart always looks constipated?  Well…I hate to say this, but it’s even worse during this scene.  The way she curls her lips, the intense look in her eyes…I’ll let you use your imagination as to what I’m getting at.

           Once that’s over, she just accepts it like its no big deal.  Good lord, Bella has worse mood swings than me…oh wait, I take medication for mine.  But still, after this, it’s just them being vampires, accepting werewolves in their life, montage of the child growing into like an eight year old.

            Oh!  Another thing I want to touch on.  Since the child ages so fast, the film makers used both real babies and CGI to create Reneesme.  When Bella first holds her daughter, it looks creepy.  It’s clearly fake but the face disturbs me.  It just looks sinisiter to me.  I love children, don’t get me wrong, but this fake baby…hell no.  Although, I imagine potty training was a breeze with her.  Plus, her power is kind of cool.  She can project her memories into the minds of others.  It is sort of a combination between Edward and Bella.  But yes, CGI babies are creepy.

            **I am skipping some parts of the movie because they did not seem relevant to me and I am not comfortable discussing them.  There are more sex scenes between Edward Bella, as well as some sexual banter between Emmet and Bella.  Once again, this movie is aimed at teens.  I don’t like this stuff being added in there, even though I know it’s in the book**

            Then we have Bella and Reneesme playing in the snow.  Jacob, for some reason, is in his wolf form.  Irina, who is a member of the Denali clan and furious that Laurent was killed, shows up and sees this.  Convinced the Cullens have broken a major rule, she goes straight to the Volturi.  You see, in this world, immortal children are not allowed.  According to Carlisle, if a child is turned, it stops developing mentally.  They are careless and a single tantrum could destroy a village.  Knowing their entire family is in danger, they go to enlist people to help them.  This is also the time when Alice and Jasper leave. 

            Here’s another problem I have with this film.  There are so many vampires brought it that they don’t really get a proper introduction.  It’s basically another montage, saying here’s this person, from this place and this is there power.  The Irish coven doesn’t get introduced!  They’re just there.  The nomads don’t get names either.  The only ones I remember are Garrett, Alistair (because he leaves) and Benjamin (only because I like Rami Malek).  Beyond that, I don’t remember anyone.  They don’t get a chance to shine on their own.  So, once we have all the vampires in one place, we see Bella learning to use her powers to help everyone.

            Bella’s power is that she is a shield, so she can deflect any attack.  In the literary world, we call that a “deus ex machina” or a “god machine”.  She just happens to have the one power that will save them all from the Volturi?  Oh yeah, Aro, Marcus and Caius have decided to investigate this whole thing personally, so that’s why everyone is gathered in Forks.  I have trouble believing this girl, who could barely protect herself for the entire series, is suddenly the MVP of vampires.  Ah well, more on that in a moment.

            So, finally the time comes for the epic battle.  This was NOT in the books, which I thought was pretty cool.  There really is a full on battle with major character deaths.  I really don’t want to spoil the surprise because it really was a huge shock to me.  For now, I will say that two beloved vampires are killed and two werewolves die.  And yes, the Volturi gets destroyed.  And yes, Bella uses her powers during this, but it’s almost useless.  She can’t use it unless she’s standing still, leaving her wide open for an attack.  I will chalk that one up to the fact that she’s barely gotten to train so she doesn’t quite know how to use them yet.  At the same time, she woke up and was already the perfect vampire, so I think she could have used her shield better.

            For that matter, when Jane is torturing a Cullen (who is killed) why didn’t Bella help him?  She helped Edward the whole time, but when this guy, her brother in law, is in trouble, she does nothing for him.  I’m just saying.

            Even though the battle was pretty badass, it was a total cop out.  I’ll admit, I was grabbing Terra and screaming at the screen when I first saw it because it was a huge shock.  How could these beloved characters die like this?  Then…it’s all a lie.  Everyone’s fine, no one gets hurt and the Volturi leave.  Then we have the obligatory romantic scene with Edward and Bella, the end credits, which mention every character that has ever been given a line in the entire series.  

            Overall, it’s was just ok.  It has horrible pacing, the humor fails on most parts, unless its Aro.  Seriously, if you’ve seen it, you know about his freaky laugh and the whole “You have a strange heartbeat” thing.  And yeah, when everyone has accepted that Jacob imprinted on Reneesme, Jacob asks Edward if he should call him Dad.  The answer is a firm “No.”  Beyond that, it wasn’t that great.  The battle was amazing and I would love to just watch that again, but because it didn’t actually happen, I can’t look at it the same way.  The ending was so sweet; I think my blood sugar shot up.  “Nobody’s ever loved anybody as much as I love you”.  Really?  No one talks like that…as far as I know.

            I wanted to like it because I had bought into the hype, but once again, I just didn’t care for the generic love story with the supernatural mixed in.  I don’t like Bella, I don’t like Edward and most of the other characters are ignored.  While I do not support a sequel to this movie (it might happen) or a television series (it might happen), I would approve of some prequels.  Tell us more about the lesser Cullens. Show us how Alice became a vampire, because she honestly has one of the most interesting stories in the whole series.  This most likely won’t happen though.  Oh well.  Here’s the end of the Twilight saga everyone.

            That’s really all I have to say right now.  I’m working on being a little better with my reviews.  I’m gearing up for my “Top 12 of 12” and “Worst 12 of 12” lists.  Trust me, there were a lot o bombs this year.  Beyond that, I have no plans to see more films.  I will see “The Hobbit” when it comes out and maybe a few more things.  I’m aiming for fifty new releases this year.  Stay tuned for so much more, lovely readers.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I broke a key off my keyboard.

Falling for Skyfall

Well...not the best thing to see at first but hey, I'M BACK!

up next: Breaking Dawn Part 2...with special guests Fry, Kit Kat and Terra!  That's right, all my movie buddies will be in the next vlog!

How to Survive a Horror Film

            Hey everyone out there, I’m TheCinemaChick and I haven’t been very active again. I’m proud to announce I have a beautiful new niece, named Alexis, who is about two weeks old.  I’ve also started a relationship with a wonderful man, so that’s been taking up a lot of time.  Ah, you’re not here to listen to me drone on and on about my personal life.  You’re here because you think I have a movie to review.

            Well, I don’t.

            However, I have something just as good, if not better.  October is right around the corner, meaning tons of scary movies will be coming out.  Yet, every time I watch a horror film, I can’t help but wonder, “Is that character a complete moron?”  It’s so obvious that certain people are going to die that it’s just predictable and stale.  But, for those of you who aren’t as disillusioned as me, you might be asking, “Hey CinemaChick, if I ever end up in a horror film, what can I do to survive?”

            I’m glad you asked dear reader.  Kit Kat, my dear, long lost, freakishly alike twin sister and I have the answer to your query.  So turn on the lights, lock the doors and don’t scream as we venture into the world of horror.

            Hey guys, Kit Kat here. While I’m usually only around for Bad Movie Bonanza, I thought it was about time to do a little public service. Now while many of you think you might know how to survive in a horror movie, there might be some things you haven’t thought of that could mean the difference living through the night or becoming the next funeral in your town.

            Let’s start off with the most obvious thing: location.  Seriously, if you buy an old, spooky looking house, it’s going to be haunted.  If you live hear a forest, there’s probably an escaped lunatic out to kill you.  And of course, if you live deep in the country, there’s probably an inbred hillbilly family waiting to kidnap and torture you.  So, yeah, think about your real estate choices here folks.

            Another thing to look at when you are choosing your location, your neighbors. Hey the house might not be haunted or in the middle of nowhere, but in even in the middle of suburbia one has to make sure their neighbors aren’t psychos or stalkers. If they qualify in either of those categories consider a different location and don’t give them the key to your home.

            Good point.  Does your neighbor have any strange quirks that you may have noticed?  Do they only go out at night?  Are strange people coming and going?  Do they sacrifice small animals?  It is possible that your neighbor is possessed.  You never know what to expect from your neighbors.  If they’ve been released from prison recently, avoid that area.  Seriously, research your potential home thoroughly or you might end up caged in some dude’s basement or slaughtered by demons.

            Okay now, let’s say that you’ve found your home. It’s not haunted, rituals weren’t performed there, it’s not in a backwoods area and the neighbors are sane logical people. Now, no one can predict if there’s going to be a psycho at your school or office. But once they’ve set their eyes on you there are certain things you can do to avoid being easy pickings. One of the key things is: Sex. Don’t do it. While this may seem a bit harsh this just might save your life.

            Let’s face it, people like sex.  They never see it as something that could potentially get them killed.  However, you are your most vulnerable when you’re doing the horizontal mambo.  You’re focused on the other person, you’re thinking about lust and you’re probably buck ass nude.  If the killer, demon, psychopath, etc., shows up, what’s the first thing you’ll probably do?  Grab something and try to be modest.  Face it, the killer doesn’t care if they see your junk or not!  Plus you have to untangle bodies so it just gets complicated.  In the off chance you’re in a horror flick, suppress the urge.  Do you want to live or do you want to die during sex?

            Also, here’s some food for thought. If you think you’re the “player” and pulls a one night stand on a chic and then you “suddenly” have a stalker. Coincidence? I think not. Don’t be a player or a dick. Because if you tend to think with that organ it just might get you killed first or saved for the last and most brutal killing.

            That’s right guys.  Chicks can be psychopath murderers as well.  And trust me, we may look all sweet and innocent, but we can be just as twisted, demented and sick as anyone else.  Which, leads me to the next topic.  Stereotypes.  Every scary movie has them and with them you know who will die and who will live.  Case in point, the “player” is most likely to die by an amputation, to help him learn a lesson…if you catch my drift.

            Also, the female of this species known as the “slut” also tends to die. This is where being a virgin usually pays off in the end. If you are in a group of people and you are lucky enough to have a couple of “nerds” or “geeks” then count yourself lucky. Listen to what those brainacs have to say. More often than not they will have a solution to your problem because they studied history or arcane and ancient magic.

            I would now like to use myself as an example.  I am definitely a nerd, but I know a LOT about the supernatural and occult.  I know how to ward off demons, ghosts, vampires and I know a thing or two about battling haunted houses.  Therefore, in a horror movie, I become the most useful person there.  The Doctor (you know, from the most awesome show ever, Doctor Who) says books are the most valuable weapon in the entire universe.  Arm yourself with knowledge!

            Now, while we are talking about stereotypes, I think it’s also time to discuss clothing. Some might ask how clothing will make any difference in a life or death situation. My first point would be to all the girly girls out there. We all know the in horror movies running is something that’s going to happen. Now, if you are looking to die an early death pull on those high heels and break an ankle trying to run around. Congrats, you’re dead.

            Here’s a clothing tip for the men.  You know how you like to wear your jeans with the waistband sitting under your butt?  If you’re being chased. those pants are going to fall down and trip you.  If your lucky enough to rip them off and survive, I sure hope you are wearing something underneath.  This is will one of the rare times those men in skinny jeans have something that you don’t and that’s a chance to live.

            This is one time were you need to take fashion tips from a jock. Lace up those sneakers, opt for basketball shorts or some kind of pants instead of short shorts or a skirt and please ladies, don’t wear skimpy tops. Cover up. At the very least if your shirt gets ripped from your body during a chase then you can run around without trying to cover yourself at the same time.

            Now, if you can keep your legs shut, your wits sharp and snag a not haunted house, there’s something else you need to do.  If you think there might be a chance there is a ghost in your home or that your friend is possibly possessed by a demon, do not provoke it.  Don’t ever piss off the supernatural creature.  Those things have powers that we mortals can only dream of.  With that in mind, don’t have a séance or play with a Ouija board because you never know what you’ll set loose.

            You also have to beware of the possibility that if you renovate your home that you will stir something up. Whether it’s just the renovation or you find an ancient Indian burial ground. You MUST treat it with respect. Call in an expert to help you move the remains or have them documented. If you renovation starts up a haunting because you didn’t do your research don’t just assume you can ignore it. Seek help IMMEADIATELY. You might think that just moving will help this. In some cases it might. But in other cases the entity could leech onto you and follow you wherever you go.

            If you do call in the experts and the expert runs off scared, you should get the hell out of there.  Get your bags packed and leave immediately.  That means the demon is too powerful for anyone to calm down or destroy.  Trust me, some demons and spirits are good and willing to help, but there are some whose sole purpose is to kill or destroy.  Some of them want a body to claim so they can walk amongst us.  

            Now, if you decide not to run, if you are trapped at this location, or you think you might have a haunting/stalker that will bring us to the next topic: Noises. While this seems like a broad category, it is one to take under SERIOUS consideration. Noises in a house you might even think are haunted need to be taken as an ominous sign. Unless the house is just that old and creaky, which we have all ready told you to avoid, then don’t EVER assume it’s the wind, the house settling, or one of your friends or family.

            Also, if you ever hear a strange voice, do NOT try to locate it.  Don’t follow it because that’s like asking to die.  Also, if you respond to the voice, congratulations, you’re now a target.  The less noise you make, the better your chances of survival are.  And if you’re pretty sure a killer’s in your house, don’t shout out, “Hello?”  What’s the killer going to do, respond saying, “Just a second, I had to use the bathroom!  Let me just wash my hands, then I’ll slit your throat!”

            A very good point. The point of any killer/stalker situation is to survive. Don’t make yourself a target and don’t corner yourself. Hiding under the bed or in a closet might seem like a wonderful idea when you start hearing noises in the house. Why not? Out of sight, you’re not making a sound. Perfect right? Not necessarily. If you are alone in the house then all you’ve done is corner yourself and all the killer has to do is open the door and stab you now that you have nowhere to run to.

            I’d like to add something at this point.  You’d think this is all common knowledge, but watch a horror film.  They all break these rules.  I know movies are not real, but you never know when a demon will be unleashed in your house and you need to haul ass.  Trust us, we know how to make sure you get out alive.

            Cinema Chick is right. I’ve been touched a time or two by a ghost or rather something I couldn’t see. And speaking of hauling ass. You’ll find it’s much easier and more effective to not look back at who or what is chasing you. While in the movies this provides some great shots of a character being scared it also provides something else. The chance to trip over something in front of you. This could be a log out in the forest, the corpse of one of your friends or your own feet.

            And if you’re not exactly that far away from the location, what makes you think they won’t be behind you?  The thing chasing you can’t teleport.  Always look forward and make sure to be aware of your surroundings.  There could be corpses, zombies popping out of shallow graves or hell, some trees might grab you.  Now this brings me to our final point: weapons.  Always remain armed with whatever you can get your hands on.  That way, if you trip, you can at least defend yourself.

            The type of weapon you choose to arm yourself with needs to change with the situation you find yourself in. While a firearm might seem like a weapon for all occasions, you can’t harm a poltergeist with a gun or a vampire for that matter unless you are one of the few who prepare for things like that. Guns are good for zombies and human stalkers or killers. As quoted in Zombieland, don’t get clingy with your bullets. If a zombie or human is a threat to your life a second bullet isn’t wasteful but necessary for survival.

            If you’re up against something from the occult, always, always, always have salt on hand.  It sounds like a silly thing to have, but salt repels evil.  Nothing evil can cross that, so have some on hand.  If not, burn some sage to ward off an unfriendly ghost.  Silver protects against werewolves and a blessed cross will help you when you face a vampire.  Now, if you’re like me, you don’t have access to a gun.  Instead, raid the kitchen.  Get knives, forks, cleavers, ice picks, anything you can.  A baseball bat can also come in handy, as well as a golf clubs.

            Now, some of you might be squirming about using weapons of any kind. Well, get over it. This is a life or death situation. If someone in your group refuses to kill with whatever weapon you give them, then show them the door because they are more likely to get you killed because while you might fight to protect them they will just a surely run away to protect themselves when you need help most.

            So keep our suggestions in mind.  Once again, you never know when a psychopath will break into your house and try to kill you.  Hell, this might come in handy if you’re in a dark ally with a mugger.  Use your surroundings to your advantage.  If there’s an empty bottle, smash it.  A shard of glass will help.  If you have a bunch of keys, slide a key between each finger.  It’s like brass knuckles, only pointier.  Ladies, if all else fails, use your sex appeal.  Lure them in, do the unexpected and run like hell.

            Just to recap on our tips for surviving a horror movie. 1: Location, Location, Location; 2: No sex; 3: Stereotypes can be killers; 4: Choose clothing wisely; 5: Don’t piss off the supernatural; 6: Beware of noises; 7: NEVER look back while running; and 8: Choose a weapon wisely. While nothing is fool proof, these eight tips give you a better fighting chance than having none at all. Sometimes it’s just about making it till dawn and if you follow this tips and rules then you might live to see another day.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I’m saying, if things start going south, I’m fighting until the end and going down swinging.

            And I’m Kit Kat and you can count on me to fight to the bitter end without a second thought.

Better Late Than Never: Snow White

Yeah, I'm really behind in posting this but what the hell.  Here's me and Fry making fun of Snow White and the Huntsman.

5 more movies I want to see

Couple of things I need to provide:

CodenameJD's youtube: http://www.youtube.com/codenamejd

Doctor Horrible's Sing a long Blog will premiere on October 9, no time is set.

Trailer for Breaking Dawn Part II:

I'm on Twitter, so tweet me @TheCinemaChick!  I do shoutouts, promote other blogs and vlogs, I take requests (within reason).

Not So Magic Mike

**This review will contain strong language, sexual content and Channing Tatum.  You have been warned.**

            Greetings and salutation, dear reader.  I am the chick of the cinema, better known as TheCinemaChick.  I know I haven’t quite gotten back into the swing of things like I said I would, but you know, things happen in my real life.  I’m still plowing through that algebra course, I’ve got things going on, people to cheer up (which apparently, is a one way street.  So…I spent two days helping someone out and he couldn’t do the same for me.  Thanks a lot) and of course…I met a boy.  I don’t want to jinx it because I really like him so let’s move on to the film I am so ashamed to admit I paid to see.

            In 2011, Bridesmaids broke me.

            In 2012, Magic Mike broke my brain.

            Yeah…I finally broke down and went to see Magic Mike, the film Channing Tatum called “semi-autobiographical”.  If that’s really what his life has been like, then good lord, I can see why he has no issues getting naked.  While I’m liberal and I can handle almost anything you throw at me, this was something I was no prepared for.  I can’t even call this a film.  There is no plot, no character development, no conflict…how the hell did this become so popular?

            Oh yes, that’s right.  Man candy.

            I’ve made my feelings known about Channing Tatum.  I don’t like him, I don’t find him attractive and I don’t think he’s a good actor honestly.  The weird thing is, about halfway into “Magic Mike”, I felt like the story wasn’t even about him anymore.  It switches to being more about Adam, Mike’s protégée of sorts, played by Alex Pettyfer.   Admittedly, I don’t like Pettyfer either.  In fact, I don’t like most of the people in this film.  Which then makes you wonder, why would I see this movie if I had zero interest in it?

            To which I respond: the same reason I read that literary waste “50 Shades of Grey”.  I wanted to know what the big deal was.  I won’t get started on “50 Shades” because honestly…I’m writing something on that for later.  Plus, it’s an abomination.  It’s absolutely horrible.  People, it’s a thinly veiled version of “Twilight”!  It’s “Twilight” porn!

            *takes a deep breath*

            Anyway, I waited for Magic Mike to lose some of its steam before going to see it because I didn’t want to deal with the huge crowds.  Even then, I still regret seeing it.  Other than the fact that it’s disorganized, unfocused, unclear and was just bland as a bowl of plain oatmeal, it was offensive.  I had to look away several times because that kind of content should be reserved for late night Cinemax on the weekends.  For instance, towards the beginning, Mike is talking to someone on the right side of the screen.  On the left side of the screen is a penis.  Yes, a penis.  It’s in a pump, being pumped and it’s in the foreground so it’s impossible to miss.  However, I did.  I was watching the actors talk and Fry pointed it out to me.

            But come on!  This film is already rated R and this scene alone should have pushed it to NC-17.  I’ve watched Michael Fassbender’s NC-17 film “Shame” and it wasn’t as graphic as this.  I actually enjoyed “Shame” because it had a solid plot, conflict and character development.  “Magic Mike”…when the movie ended and the credits began, I actually said, in a my normal speaking voice, “WTF is this shit?”

            (I do apologize for my foul language.  Trust me, the movie was worse.)

            So, as if seeing multiple penises wasn’t bad enough, there’s so much more going on.  There’s drinking all the time, people taking ecstasy throughout, and on my good lord, who uses the F-word THAT much in real life?  Ok, I can think of one person, but for most normal people, no one needs to drop that many F-bombs!  I swear every sentence from every person in that film had to say fuck.  (Again, apologies, but seriously, in the first five minutes, I lost count of how many times that was said.)

            Now, let’s talk about the male strippers, who rarely ever show up.  Yes, for a film about male stripping, there was a surprising lack of male stripping.  I’ve already mentioned Tatum and Pettyfer, who are the main focus, but there are a few more.  Joe Manganiello of True Blood fame plays “Big Dick Richie” and that penis I mentioned earlier…it’s implied that it’s his.  We also have Ken, played by Matt Bomer.  Who is Matt Bomer?  I honestly have never heard of this guy.  There’s also Tito, who had almost nothing to do with anything.

            Then we come to the biggest surprise and disappointment of the film.  Kevin Nash plays Tarzan.  I’ll admit, I’m a fan of professional wrestling.  Nash was a huge star in WCW, TNA and even in WWE.  In “Magic Mike” it was painfully obvious that he was only doing this for a paycheck.  His choreography was pathetic and he didn’t have many lines.  Someone younger, more attractive and more into the role should have been cast instead of Kevin Nash.

            I hated this movie.  I don’t think I have ever hated a film so much that I wish I had a TARDIS so I could go back in time and stop myself from seeing it.  It’s so bad that it’s currently winning for worst movie of the year.  Yes, “The Devil Inside” was better than “Magic Mike”. 

            After seeing this film, I could not even say a sentence.  I was broken.  I could not think straight.  Poor Kit Kat had to listen to a fifteen minute rant of me, babbling incoherently about how bad this movie was.  I summed it up to her as: Boring, penis, stripping, boring, boring, boring, boring. PENIS, boring, sex, boring, stripping, drugs, boring, boring, boring, boring, drinking, drugs, BABY PIG, boring, boring, stripping, boring, boring, boring, done.  I literally could not think of a better way to sum up that movie.  It was horrible, had awful characters and it was left so open that it was as disappointing as the stripping scenes.  Tatum’s character has goals in life and he tries to achieve them, but no…those goals become big lipped alligator moments.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s when something is brought up once, has no play in the overall plot and never mentioned again.

            This movie was solely made the hot men in it and marketed solely towards women.  It’s disgusting.

            Do us all a favor and skip “Magic Mike”.  Go to a real strip club if you  want to see men taking their clothes off for money.  I hated it with a passion.  I’ve never been so ashamed to admit seeing a movie and I saw the Hannah Montana film.  

            This movie is so bad, I don’t even have a rating for it.  It’s nothing but shameless nudity and penises.  It’s offensive when it’s not boring and absolute crap. 

            Also, they are considering a sequel to this film.  Do us all a favor and do not make the sequel.  Spare us.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I hope my next film is better.