Not So Magic Mike

**This review will contain strong language, sexual content and Channing Tatum.  You have been warned.**

            Greetings and salutation, dear reader.  I am the chick of the cinema, better known as TheCinemaChick.  I know I haven’t quite gotten back into the swing of things like I said I would, but you know, things happen in my real life.  I’m still plowing through that algebra course, I’ve got things going on, people to cheer up (which apparently, is a one way street.  So…I spent two days helping someone out and he couldn’t do the same for me.  Thanks a lot) and of course…I met a boy.  I don’t want to jinx it because I really like him so let’s move on to the film I am so ashamed to admit I paid to see.

            In 2011, Bridesmaids broke me.

            In 2012, Magic Mike broke my brain.

            Yeah…I finally broke down and went to see Magic Mike, the film Channing Tatum called “semi-autobiographical”.  If that’s really what his life has been like, then good lord, I can see why he has no issues getting naked.  While I’m liberal and I can handle almost anything you throw at me, this was something I was no prepared for.  I can’t even call this a film.  There is no plot, no character development, no conflict…how the hell did this become so popular?

            Oh yes, that’s right.  Man candy.

            I’ve made my feelings known about Channing Tatum.  I don’t like him, I don’t find him attractive and I don’t think he’s a good actor honestly.  The weird thing is, about halfway into “Magic Mike”, I felt like the story wasn’t even about him anymore.  It switches to being more about Adam, Mike’s protégée of sorts, played by Alex Pettyfer.   Admittedly, I don’t like Pettyfer either.  In fact, I don’t like most of the people in this film.  Which then makes you wonder, why would I see this movie if I had zero interest in it?

            To which I respond: the same reason I read that literary waste “50 Shades of Grey”.  I wanted to know what the big deal was.  I won’t get started on “50 Shades” because honestly…I’m writing something on that for later.  Plus, it’s an abomination.  It’s absolutely horrible.  People, it’s a thinly veiled version of “Twilight”!  It’s “Twilight” porn!

            *takes a deep breath*

            Anyway, I waited for Magic Mike to lose some of its steam before going to see it because I didn’t want to deal with the huge crowds.  Even then, I still regret seeing it.  Other than the fact that it’s disorganized, unfocused, unclear and was just bland as a bowl of plain oatmeal, it was offensive.  I had to look away several times because that kind of content should be reserved for late night Cinemax on the weekends.  For instance, towards the beginning, Mike is talking to someone on the right side of the screen.  On the left side of the screen is a penis.  Yes, a penis.  It’s in a pump, being pumped and it’s in the foreground so it’s impossible to miss.  However, I did.  I was watching the actors talk and Fry pointed it out to me.

            But come on!  This film is already rated R and this scene alone should have pushed it to NC-17.  I’ve watched Michael Fassbender’s NC-17 film “Shame” and it wasn’t as graphic as this.  I actually enjoyed “Shame” because it had a solid plot, conflict and character development.  “Magic Mike”…when the movie ended and the credits began, I actually said, in a my normal speaking voice, “WTF is this shit?”

            (I do apologize for my foul language.  Trust me, the movie was worse.)

            So, as if seeing multiple penises wasn’t bad enough, there’s so much more going on.  There’s drinking all the time, people taking ecstasy throughout, and on my good lord, who uses the F-word THAT much in real life?  Ok, I can think of one person, but for most normal people, no one needs to drop that many F-bombs!  I swear every sentence from every person in that film had to say fuck.  (Again, apologies, but seriously, in the first five minutes, I lost count of how many times that was said.)

            Now, let’s talk about the male strippers, who rarely ever show up.  Yes, for a film about male stripping, there was a surprising lack of male stripping.  I’ve already mentioned Tatum and Pettyfer, who are the main focus, but there are a few more.  Joe Manganiello of True Blood fame plays “Big Dick Richie” and that penis I mentioned earlier…it’s implied that it’s his.  We also have Ken, played by Matt Bomer.  Who is Matt Bomer?  I honestly have never heard of this guy.  There’s also Tito, who had almost nothing to do with anything.

            Then we come to the biggest surprise and disappointment of the film.  Kevin Nash plays Tarzan.  I’ll admit, I’m a fan of professional wrestling.  Nash was a huge star in WCW, TNA and even in WWE.  In “Magic Mike” it was painfully obvious that he was only doing this for a paycheck.  His choreography was pathetic and he didn’t have many lines.  Someone younger, more attractive and more into the role should have been cast instead of Kevin Nash.

            I hated this movie.  I don’t think I have ever hated a film so much that I wish I had a TARDIS so I could go back in time and stop myself from seeing it.  It’s so bad that it’s currently winning for worst movie of the year.  Yes, “The Devil Inside” was better than “Magic Mike”. 

            After seeing this film, I could not even say a sentence.  I was broken.  I could not think straight.  Poor Kit Kat had to listen to a fifteen minute rant of me, babbling incoherently about how bad this movie was.  I summed it up to her as: Boring, penis, stripping, boring, boring, boring, boring. PENIS, boring, sex, boring, stripping, drugs, boring, boring, boring, boring, drinking, drugs, BABY PIG, boring, boring, stripping, boring, boring, boring, done.  I literally could not think of a better way to sum up that movie.  It was horrible, had awful characters and it was left so open that it was as disappointing as the stripping scenes.  Tatum’s character has goals in life and he tries to achieve them, but no…those goals become big lipped alligator moments.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s when something is brought up once, has no play in the overall plot and never mentioned again.

            This movie was solely made the hot men in it and marketed solely towards women.  It’s disgusting.

            Do us all a favor and skip “Magic Mike”.  Go to a real strip club if you  want to see men taking their clothes off for money.  I hated it with a passion.  I’ve never been so ashamed to admit seeing a movie and I saw the Hannah Montana film.  

            This movie is so bad, I don’t even have a rating for it.  It’s nothing but shameless nudity and penises.  It’s offensive when it’s not boring and absolute crap. 

            Also, they are considering a sequel to this film.  Do us all a favor and do not make the sequel.  Spare us.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I hope my next film is better.

The Dark Knight Rises again

            Hello folks who read stuff online, my name is TheCinemaChick.  I’m here to review the newest films in theaters, but first…I have to discuss something that’s been stressing me out.  I’ve highly upset and depressed because of this.  Last night, in Aurora, Colorado, two men went to a midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises” and open fired on the crowd.  Last I read, fourteen people have died and fifty were wounded.  Some of the victims were in the military.

            I was at a midnight showing as well, but in Grapevine, Texas.  The shooting could have happened at my theater or one close by.  I enjoyed the movie, but now, it is forever going to be associated with death, carnage and fear.  While those are prominent in the film, I know Batman is a fictional movie where everyone went home safe afterwards.  Knowing that someone wanted to see a film with friends of family and lost their life…I’m fairly certain I have just attended my next to last midnight showing.  I would say my final, but I have already committed to a “Breaking Dawn” marathon with Fry, Kit Kat, Terra and Unown.  I cannot pull out of that because Kit Kat is flying down just for that and you know, to spend time with me.  She is my long lost, freakishly alike sister.

            With that said, if you are in Colorado, I send my condolences, my thoughts, and my wishes that everyone hurt recovers fully.  Random acts of senseless violence like that leave me dumbfounded. 

            Aurora, Colorado,  TheCinemaChick loves you.

            With that out of the way, let’s get into the heart of the matter.  I did go to a midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises” last night and I really enjoyed it.  Yes, it’s a very long film so wear your comfy clothes and get in a comfy chair because you’ll be in it for the long haul.  My seat, however, was painfully uncomfortable.  Plus, by the time the midnight showing had rolled around, I’d been in it for about eight hours.  

            I went to a triple feature at my local Cinemark, which showed “Batman Begins”, “The Dark Knight” and “The Dark Knight Rises”.  It was a fun experience and I definitely enjoyed it.  Fry had never seen the films before so I was happy to show her the brilliance that is Christian Bale.  And to make things even better, a friend of mine from college joined us.  Keep in mind, it was fun until we heard about the shooting.

            I like the Batman films.  I grew up watching them starting with the old school Adam West version that is laughably over the top now.  I remember sitting in the living room with my family, curled up on this old blanket my brother and I used to fight over and watching Batman Returns.  To date, I have seen every live action film released into theaters.  Sadly, that also includes Batman and Robin which…let’s be honest, Joel Schumaker killed it.  He ruined that film so much.  It’s an embarrassment to superhero movies everywhere.

            Surprisingly, I did not see “Batman Begins” until this past Christmas.  I rented it and watched it with my dad, who’s not big on the comic book adaptation.  At the time, I didn’t get it, but since I have seen it a few more times since then, I understand the film and see why it is so important.  I would like to add one thing, I want more Cillian Murphy.  He pulls off Dr. Crane/Scarecrow so well.  He’s got that innocent, boyish face that makes him so trustworthy, but he’s actually a very devious man.

            “The Dark Knight” I saw on opening night, with Butterfly.  I had no intention of seeing it, but he insisted.  In all honesty, I think it’s one of the greatest movies I’ve ever seen.  It had a solid plot, great action and the actors really got into their roles.  I won’t mention Heath Ledger’s intensity, but I fully agree that it was one of his best performances.  He is one of the greatest actors I’ve ever seen whose life was cut way too short.  Granted, I didn’t care for the plot as much in this one because it got a little muddled.  I understand how Lao fits in with everything, but he became such a minor character that he was forgettable.

            Then finally, “The Dark Knight Rises” came out and once again, I was blown away.  I have to admit, one thing I absolutely love about Christopher Nolan is that he has an amazing sense of continuity.  He reminds the audience of what happened to Harvey Dent and why Batman became an outlaw.  We are shown that Bruce still loves Rachel.  Perhaps what made me happiest is that the same actors appear in all three films.  Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman have been in all of them, which really helps.  

            I admit, the movie was incredibly long, but I was never bored.  It’s also horribly flawed, which I’ll get to into a bit.  Bale was perfect as Batman.  Before this trilogy, I really only cared for Michael Keaton, but Bale was an excellent choice.  Tom Hardy, oh my goodness, let’s talk about him.  He is quite possibly the best casting choice made for this film.  He’s unrecognizable in both appearance and speech when he’s in full Bane gear.  I knew he would be good, but he was phenomenal.  This is quite possibly one of the best performances he’s ever given.  Personally, I think he looks quite sexy as a demented, scarred, masked anarchist.  But what can I say, I have a thing for villains.

            The ending is by far the best part of the film.  It has a huge twist that you will never see coming and is actually quite shocking.  Seriously, you’ll watch this thinking Bane is the one who’s the bad guy, but…there’s someone else.  Trust me, it’s a huge surprise.  The fight scenes were breathtaking so I was sucked in.  Then, there’s the fate of Batman, which had me bawling.  I won’t tell you what happens because honestly, you need to see this film.  Trust me, it’s more than worth it.

            I want to see this movie again, possibly in IMAX.  However, I have problems with this film.  Other than the running time, which I wish was shorter, there are things in the film I don’t like.  For example, this is a Batman movie but there is a surprising lack of Batman.  I know, it’s supposed to be about how Bruce Wayne has walked away from being Batman at the beginning, but he comes back.  But he’s really not in the movie much.  Same thing with Catwoman.  She rarely shows up.  If anything, this is Bane’s movie because he is the most prominent figure.  

            While I’m talking about Catwoman, I didn’t like Anne Hathaway.  When I think of her, I think upbeat, bubbly, not jewel thief.  She just didn’t cut it for me in this role.  I’ll admit, she was decent, but not incredible.  Then, her character was never really explored.  She was a cat burglar, but she was a good guy in the end.  She just switched teams so often it got annoying.  The movie could have left her out completely and the plot wouldn’t have suffered much.  She’s necessary in the first forty five minutes, but after that, she’s really irrelevant.

            Again, this is Bane’s movie.  He is seen the most, given one of the most descriptive background stories ever (which is put together in pieces that only come together during the huge twist at the end) and he’s just dominating.  Tom Hardy’s actual face is shown once, for a brief moment.  Even then, he’s still incredibly gorgeous.  In this movie, the man has the body of a god.  He is cut and I would not mind getting a nice tight hug from him.

            This is being billed as an “epic conclusion” and believe me, it is epic.  It’s a cinematic experience.  It does leave the ending wide open, which I hope they don’t do as a tease.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a major component in this film and for good reason.  His importance is shown in the final moments of the film.  To that I say, “Please, please, PLEASE, let another director pick up the franchise with Levitt!  Anyone but Joel Schumaker, Michael Bay and Tim Burton!  SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A NIGHTWING MOVIE!!” (spoiler alert there).

           

            I know a lot of people are going to be apprehensive about seeing this movie because of the Colorado incident, but here’s what I think.  Don’t let one man strike fear into your heart.  Batman is exactly what we need right now.  We need a symbol of hope, a sign that bad people can and will be stopped.  He may be the dark knight of Gotham, but he stands for what is right.  Don’t see Batman as someone to fear because of the tragedy.  Look at him and see a man who wants to protect the innocent.  

            Believe in Batman.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I will not let fear rule me.

I wouldn't say amazing...

            Hey guys, I’m known as TheCinemaChick and after a month long (and much needed) hiatus, I’m back!  June was a rather interesting month for me.  I volunteered at a local church and did vacation Bible school.  At the end of that, I managed to fall and sprain my ankle really bad.  So, I was laid up for about a week, then I got some really…heartbreaking news.  It seems I was causing some friction in a friend’s relationship so he has chosen to cut me out of his life very suddenly.  Yes, it was painful, but I think I’ll survive.  It’s not my fault his girlfriend thinks I’m someone I’m not.

            Then, some very exciting news.  My brother became a father for the first time last week!  Yes, I am now AuntieCinemaChick!  I got to hold her today and she is so tiny, but adorable.  I am over the moon right now.  But, you’re not here to listen to me ramble on and on about my new niece.  No…you’re here because I’m going to review a movie for you.  And for my triumphant return, I’m going to tackle one of the biggest anticipated movies of the summer.  And unfortunately, I hated it.

            Yes dear reader, I hated “The Amazing Spider Man”.  Trust me, I use the term “amazing” rather loosely.  I’m sorry, we had a trilogy of movies based on this same comic book hero a decade ago.  Why are we already doing a remake of it?  Not to mention, why can’t they make a DECENT remake?  The actors were so badly miscast its not even funny.  Andrew Garfield looks like a scrawny little nerd who only looks buff when he’s in costume.  He just didn’t cut it for me.  Also, I don’t really like Emma Stone.  I don’t think she’s all that great either in comedic or dramatic roles.  I hated “Easy A” and I wasn’t fond of “The Help” because it focused on her too much.  She’s playing Gwen Stacy in this one, the replacement for Mary Jane I guess.  I prefer Kirsten Dunst honestly.

            Before I went into this film, I was only half interested in it.  I’ll admit, I may be a Marvel girl, but I don’t really care for the Spider Man stuff.  I never really liked him.  I’ve seen the first movies, the ones with Tobey Maguire and I enjoyed those.  They weren’t my favorite films of all time, but they were good.  Let’s not get into Spider Man 3 with “emo Peter” and the stupid dance number.  Trust me, I’m aware of how much it sucked.  However, in comparison to the newest version, I’d gladly watch that over again.

            “The Amazing Spider Man” did not live up to its name.  They must have used the word “amazing” rather loosely.  Ok, time for a little bit of my thoughts on how a movie should go.  Let’s say you want 100% of a film.  Let’s divide that up and I will explain why I have done it this way.

20% Exposition

30% Rising Action

10% Climax

20%Falling Action

10% Dénouement

           Let’s discuss this.  Expostion is the backstory and giving us all the information we need for a film, unless its in a series.  Even in a series, such as Harry Potter, they remind us of what we need to know for the upcoming movie.  However, in some cases, this can drag on insanely long.  This causes boredom in the viewer.  Yes, we need to know what’s going on and how this character came to be, but keep it to a minimum.

            Rising Action should be getting us amped up for the climax.  It should present conflict and tension, possibly some humor as well.  This is when we should be getting a real sense of the character.  Well, sometimes this gets cut short.  It shouldn’t be.  With this, the viewer is sucked in and drawn into the world the film has created.  If we never get the chance to make that connection to the film, well, the movie kind of sucks. 

            The Climax is the pinnacle of the movie.  It should be exciting and gripping and have the viewer’s full attention.  In a superhero movie, this is where the hero would fight the bad guy and win.  Like in the Avengers, the climax comes when the giant space worm turtle things come and they have to fight even though they are hurt and tired. 

            Falling Action resolves the conflicts presented earlier and lets us know that things came out all right for our hero.  It should sum things up and give us a feeling of satisfaction.  Again, when it comes to a series, this can be left wide open since there will be a continuation of the film.  Look at Lord of The Rings.  The ending of “The Fellowship of the Ring” just sort of stops and doesn’t have a sense of conclusion or finality.  The view knows and is fully aware that there will be two more films in the series so there aren’t any lingering questions.  All will be brought up in the second film and resolved in the third.

            Perhaps I will write something later about Lord of the Rings.  We’ll see.

            And finally, the Dénouement.  This is the ending.  Consider this the final scenes, post credit scenes and credits.  This really isn’t a huge part of the film, but still, it’s something that should be considered. 

            Now that I’ve explained that, let me explain this.  “The Amazing Spider Man” was about 80% exposition.  I’m not kidding.  There was very little action, almost no conflict, other than some minor bullying issues and Peter not knowing about his parents.  Even that gets put in the background for the most part.  I just didn’t feel like it went anywhere for about an hour and a half when this film runs a solid two and a half hours.  A lot of it was just character interaction, with nothing really binding it together.  I just couldn’t get into it.  Not to mention, I couldn’t get past the fact that Andrew Garfield looks like the bastard child of Robert Pattinson and Daniel Radcliffe. 

            The movie just kept dragging on and on and on.  If the viewer isn’t sucked in quickly, the movie is doomed.  I couldn’t get sucked into this if you’d turned on a vacuum and physically sucked me into the screen.  There isn’t very much Spider Man action.  It’s mostly just Peter Parker being emotional and reading.  He doesn’t really seem interested in Gwen at all, so it felt very forced.  I wanted to like this, I really did, but I didn’t. 

            And the 3D was useless.  There was maybe a grand total of 6 minutes of cool stuff that I thought was ok, but for the most part, I had no need for my glasses.  I’ll admit, there’s a few scenes where we get a first person point of view shot that I liked a lot.  We get to see through Spider Man’s eyes as he swings around the city, which was interesting.  I’m not a huge fan of first person because I am prone to motion sickness.

            I couldn’t even get into the climax but it was a let down.  There was no awesome battle between Spider Man and The Lizard (played by Rhys Ifans, you know Xenophilius Lovegood from Harry Potter).  Personally, I didn’t even see him as a villain.  His intentions were noble.  Dr. Curt Connors lost part of his arm and just wants to get it back.  Ok, I understand why you’re doing these insane things to yourself.  He wants to help people who have injuries or disabilities by crossing species.  That actually sounds like a good idea, but he just went a little too far in his research.  I did not find him threatening at all.  A good villain should make me want him to lose.  Hell, I was rooting for The Lizard more than Spider Man.

            And to make things even better, Curt Connors tries to redeem himself!  He kills someone, but ends up saving Spider Man!  Of course the movie has its happy ending.  Peter gets Gwen, he’s allowed to be Spider Man but then there’s a post credit scene that had me going “Oh great…sequel fodder.”  And for those of you who don’t speak my language, sequel fodder is an ending or post credit scene that clearly hints at a sequel or pending series.  In this case, expect a sequel.  The villain is alive and can break out.  I have no idea who the guy in the post credits scene is, so if you know, please tell me.  So far, all I know is that it is NOT Norman Osborn, better known as The Green Goblin.  So that’s all I know for now kids. 

            But I mean, come on, Marvel.  Fry and I watched this, pointing out elements from Avengers that happened to pop up.  For instance, remember that giant blue cloud in the sky before the Chitauri invade?  It returns in this one. 

            This was an unnecessary remake.  It’s boring, way too drawn out and just doesn’t satisfy at all.  At one point, I was so bored, I started playing with my hair.  Yes, I took my hair down, which I never do, and braided it.  I gave myself a Katniss braid and braided my bangs while I was at it.  I’m sorry, but skip this one.  Go see Ted or Magic Mike, neither which I have seen.  I would rather see those that sit through Spider Man again.  If this tells you anything, I have seen all the Marvel movies at least twice, if not more.  (I’ve officially seen Avengers 5 times now)  This…this wasn’t worth the seven bucks I paid to see it.

            Well, that’s all the ranting I have to do about The “Amazing” Spider Man.  I’m back and ready to catch up some reviews.  I’ve got several things I’m working on.  Tim Burton will be a feature in August, where I look at some of my favorite films of his.  I’m also doing a “Better Late Than Never” review, where I talk about the movies I saw in June and didn’t touch.  So far, I’ve got to do Snow White and the Huntsman (disappointment) and Prometheus (confusing but brilliant).

            I’m looking forward to the upcoming release of the latest Batman movie.  I’m considering going to a marathon of the Christopher Nolan films, but we’ll see.  You never know with me.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I’m back, baby!

Better Late Than Never: Dark Shadows

            Greetings fellow film geek, my name is TheCinemaChick and I see a lot of movies.  I’ve been fairly quiet as of late, but things happen folks.  I got busy and enrolled for college.  Yeah, I have technically finished my degree, but there’s one class that has been eluding me.  I must face College Algebra once more.  It sucks.

            Now, I have been getting asked one thing a lot lately.  People note that I complain about being broke all the time.  How do I afford to go out to a theater all the time?  Well, I avoid buying snacks and drinks when I go, which saves me some cash.  I usually go during matinee hours.  And oh yes, I am actually a film critic.  That seriously is my job.  I am employed to write about films.  So there you have it.  I’m frugal and I’m a writer.

            I don’t mean to sound so uppity, but people assume I’m a lazy bum who does nothing.  That’s just not the case.  I do many things, most of which I don’t bother talking about because it’s just not that interesting.  Do you really care if I babysit my nephews or if I knit a blanket? 

            Didn’t think so.

            Let’s move on.

            Now, this movie took me weeks to see just because I waited to watch it for a reason.  Butterfly just had a birthday and he wanted to see “Dark Shadows”.  So I took him to see it this past Monday.  We also had Fry with us and when the three of us get together, we usually have a good time.  Plus, I’m a huge Tim Burton fan.  Anything his name is on, I will watch and endorse.  Add Johnny Depp into that mix and I will gladly go see it. 

            That’s why this review has been so difficult to write.

            I really didn’t like “Dark Shadows”.  Yeah, it was based off an old soap opera that ran from 1966-1971, which sort of explains the campiness of the movie, but come on.  Soap operas are melodramatic stories with completely incoherent plots that have a twist added in every episode.  Keep in mind programs like this tend to run for decades.  So let’s take a series that ran for five years and cram it into two hours.  It just can’t be done.  In fact, I’m not sure if this is a remake, reboot or a parody of the original.  I haven’t seen the Jonathan Frid version of this, so I can’t say.

            Now, my main problem is exactly what I mentioned. It’s an entire series of a soap opera shoved into a two hour time frame.  My old Creative Writing professor would call it a “condensed novel”, which is where you cram way too much into too small a space.  I mean, in “Dark Shadows”, they tell the story of Barnabas in his youth, how he became cursed, his imprisonment, his release, how his ancestors are persevering, the failing seafood business, the new love interest, the witch’s jealousy, Barnabas restoring the family’s honor, the child who sees ghosts, the deadbeat dad, awkward sexual scenes all leading up to a really disappointing ending involving a werewolf.

            I want you to think about that for a moment.  I just told you the plot of the entire film.  Trust me, it’s really unimpressive.  I could probably handle a good chunk of this, but having it all in there was just confusing.  They tried to do too much with no success.  Good lord, this movie had like five producers, including Depp and not one of them said, “We should think about streamlining this just a tiny bit.”

            Also, here’s another thing that has been bothering me.  How does Barnabas Collins have relatives when he’s been locked in a coffin for two hundred years?  The movie never once hinted that he had siblings or cousins or anything.  Yet, two centuries later, he still has family.  Did he have children with his lover before they married or was he seeing a mistress?  This is never explained!

            Ok, Tim Burton, let’s chat for a moment.  When making films, you have this awesome talent of creating a world and telling me everything about it.  Good lord, look at the masterpieces that are “Nightmare Before Christmas”, “Corpse Bride” and “9”.  Those movies give me everything in an hour and a half.  “Dark Shadows” told me absolutely nothing except that Barnabas Collins has a stalker.  I went into this expecting a campy, cheesy comedy about a vampire trying to fit in when he awoke in the 1970s, but it was just dry.  There was nothing really exciting about it.

            Johnny Depp looked horrible.  Vampires are supposed to be pale, but he looked like he’d just laid down in a tub of white paint.  Literally, he was whiter than White Out, with badly contoured cheeks.  The makeup was such a huge let down.  It’s worse than Peter Facinelli in “Twilight”.  And I’m sad to say that even though I loathe and abhor “Twilight” the makeup for the Carlisle Cullen character was superior to this.  Everyone else was passable, but Depp was not.  I will admit Helena Bonham Carter looks good as a redhead.

            Another huge letdown for me was the fact that Depp had no chemistry with almost the entire female cast.  Bella Heathcote plays Victoria Winters, who just happens to be Collins’s reincarnated, murdered lover.  When they were onscreen together, they looked awkward, almost like they really didn’t want to be near each other.  For that matter, the love interest is barely in the film.  After her introduction, she just disappears and pops up every now and then.  They do end up together after he turns her into a vampire, but the whole romance angle just doesn’t work at all.

            Even the villain was just bad.  Angelique (played by Eva Green) is a witch, who is apparently immortal who is “in love” with Barnabas.  She calls it love, I call it an obsession.  Basically, Angelique wants Barnabas and has wanted him since the 1700s when she killed his parents, cursed his fiancée then cursed him to be a vampire.  I’m a little skeptical on the whole “vampires are just cursed people” thing.  Anyway, Angelique spends her time on screen being irritating or annoyingly sexual.  I understand she’s a lusty character, but did it have to be that obvious?  And once again, absolutely no chemistry.  Instead of enjoying her as a villain, I just wanted her gone.

            Overall, I was just disappointed.  I expected too much and was severely let down.  And it’s considered a failure.  Then again, it came out right after “The Avengers” so it really never had a chance to be successful.  

            This may be a summer of disappointment.

            So there you go.  “Dark Shadows” isn’t worth your time or money.  The plot is weak, the acting is subpar and its not funny.  Go see “The Avengers” again instead.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I’m walking on sunshine, whoa oh oh, I’m walking on sunshine!

Avengers Assemble!

            Hey guys, how’s it going?  You can call me TheCinemaChick since I’m the chick who loves going to the cinema.  As I mentioned in a previous blog or vlog…whichever, Harkins Theater had a Marvel Movie Marathon and this girl was there.  Yes, I sat through fifteen hours of films, just so I could write this for you.  I made it to bed around four this morning so I’m very tired and I seem to be rather hoarse today, so once again, I’m skipping the whole vlog thing, though Fry and I did shoot a quick video last night, which I’ll probably add at the end of this one.

            It’s May 4^th, which means “The Avengers” is now playing everywhere!  Now, before I get too far into my review, I’d like to point something out.  Marvel Entertainment has mastered their marketing strategy.  All of their movies come out around the same time every year.  “Thor” and “Captain America” were released around this time in previous years.  It’s like they know people will flock to the theaters to see their films and set the bar for what qualifies as a summer blockbuster insanely high.  This year is no different.  Honestly, “Avengers” cost about $220 million to make and they’ve really already made that money back.  Overseas it has done extremely well and I don’t see it failing at all in the states.  In fact, no one else even knows what all is coming out this weekend because everyone has been looking forward to this film for so long.

            Now, I’m a Marvel girl.  I absolutely love the comics so whenever they have a movie out, you know I’ll be there to see it.  In fact, Fry and I are already planning to see this movie again.  It has damn near everything you could want.  There’s action, adventure, mystery and comedy.  So combining all the superheroes into one film was kind of like the proverbial icing on my metaphorical cake.  Plus, I am pleased to say that “Avengers” comes with triple the amount of Loki.

            As you might have guessed from the previews, Loki is the main villain of this movie.  He comes to Earth in order to enslave the population.  Also, you know that cane/scepter he has in the previews?  Yeah, that plays a huge part in the film.

            I want to go into so many things in this movie, but I will try my hardest not too.  I seriously cannot get over how much I absolutely loved this movie and I think you should go out and see it.  This is one of those rare films when I actually recommend seeing it whenever you can and splurging on the 3D.  I’m even placing it in my top movies of the year.  So far, I can safely say it’s currently in the second position.  Sorry “Avengers” but I just think “The Artist” was better.

            I loved, loved, loved this movie so much that I can’t really even put into words how much I loved it.  The plot was great and Joss Whedon worked magic.  He didn’t immediately jump into the main conflict.  Instead, he builds the tension as the film progresses until finally, it just snaps, causing a chaotic frenzy when the enemy invades.  The characters were flawless and I am incredibly happy that Whedon took the time to explain how Thor came back to Earth when the Birfrost was destroyed (apparently Odin used Dark Magic…sorry, mini spoiler).  It’s the little details like that that make a movie worth watching.

            While there are still some things that aren’t explained, like what is Black Widow’s backstory?  Who is Hawkeye and how does he know Black Widow?  How did Loki end up with the Chitaurs (mini spoiler)?  What’s going to happen to Loki now (technically not a spoiler since we all know that the good guys always win)?  WHY AGENT COLESON?  WHY???  Why does Nick Fury not really do anything, other than stand around and talk to people?  How did the Tesseract come to Earth?  I know, that last question is aimed more at “Captain America” than “Avengers”, but I’m still curious.

            I went into this movie expecting it to be good.  I was not expecting it to blow my mind and leave me dying for more.  It left me feeling satisfied, like I had some closure after seeing all the films that had led up to this one.  Almost everything was tied up in the end.

            One major warning I feel I must give: If you have not seen “Thor”, “The Hulk”, either “Iron Man” or “Captain America”, you should see those first.  There are references in this film to events in the other ones that may not make sense if you don’t know the background stories.  I really just can’t get over how much I loved this movie.  I could go on and on and on about it, but I want you to go see it for yourself.

            So, what’s my ultimate rating on this one?  Go all out.  Pay the extra for 3D.  I saw it in 3D (which as you know, I normally hate 3D) and it was amazing.  Take your friends to see it, wear Marvel themed shirts if you can.  There are so many memorable quotes that you’ll be laughing about them long after you leave the theater.  My personal favorite quote:

Thor: And he’s my brother!

Black Widow: He’s killed 80 people in 2 days.

Thor: …he’s adopted.

            See?  Joss Whedon is a badass director and screenwriter.  He’s my second favorite director, right behind Tim Burton.

Have a video of me and Fry at 2:45 AM.

            All right guys, you’ve read my review, you’ve watched my midnight showing video, now it’s time for you to go out and watch “The Avengers”.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and in my theater last night, Loki got more cheers than Thor.  Take that Thor fangirls.

Welcome to The Devil's Carnival!

            Hey guys, you know me as TheCinemaChick and I’m the girl who goes to all kinds of movies.  You’re probably wondering why I’m writing a blog instead of doing a video.  The answer is: I have a lot to say and I didn’t think I could get it done in fifteen minutes, which seems to be my time limit.  As compensation, I will add a few photos. 

            Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, let us venture into unknown territory, the macabre circus…The Devil’s Carnival.

            Before you stop reading and ask what I’m talking about, this movie is not available in theaters.  You cannot go to your local theater and watch it.  This movie is on a limited run in certain theaters.  Last night happened to be when it was showing in Dallas, so Butterfly and I ventured out to the Lakewood Theater.  I was incredibly excited to see it because I am a huge fan of Terrance Zdunich and Darren Bousman.  I’ve mentioned Zdunich before because one of the first reviews I did was his rock opera, “Repo! The Genetic Opera”.  It’s considered a cult classic and it is by far one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.  Darren Bousman directed it, along with “Saw”.

            They were both in attendance at last night’s screening, which was pretty awesome.  Before the film started, there actually was a sideshow going on.  I missed the first act, but I did get to see Monkey.  He eats glass and then walked over a huge pile of broken glass.  Not only that, but he jumped on it.  Once his act was over, the audience was treated to a brief documentary of Repo!  It was mostly some behind the scenes stuff with a few interviews.  The song “We Started This Opera Sh*t”, came on and people were dancing in the aisles, mimicking the film.  I did not dance, but others did.  I was, however, singing along, with about a hundred other fans.

            So the movie itself was wonderful.  Since it’s not widely available, I’ll go into some detail about the plot.  It’s like a really twisted version of Aesop’s Fables.  I mean, it’s the horror version.  There are three people, John, Ms. Merrywood and Tamara.  Each one is a sinner in their own way.  They all go through the carnival in order to figure out what they’ve done wrong and how to get out.  John has to learn to grieve, Ms. Merrywood is greedy and Tamara is far too trusting.  If I remember correctly, the fables were “Grief”, “The Dog and its Shadow” and “The Scorpion and The Toad”.  I have to admit, each fable came across really well.  They were all told in a really dark, macabre way.

            What makes it even creepier is that Lucifer (played by Terrance Zdunich) is reading these stories to a child.  So we hear him talking while watching each character go through their story.  The voiceover isn’t a constant thing because there is some dialogue and of course, great songs.  As with the Repo! soundtrack, I loved all the songs, though there’s that one I could do without.  Not every song is a winner.  My favorites from Devil’s Carnival had to be “Prick! Goes The Scorpion’s Tale” performed by Painted Doll (Emilie Autumn), “In All My Dreams I Drown” by Tamara (Jessica Lowndes) and Lucifer (Zdunich) and “Trust Me” by The Scorpion (Marc Senter).

            The only song I didn’t really care for was “Kiss The Girls” because to me, it was most circus like.  Ironically, I am actually terrified of clowns.  The circus scares the hell out of me.  I don’t know why I was so excited to see The Devil’s Carnival because of the fear.  However, seeing it in the macabre, vaguely steampunk-ish interpretation made it less scary for me.  Plus, I knew the actors from their work in Repo! though many of the faces were new.  Ogre from Skinny Puppy, Alexa Vega, Paul Sorvino and of course, Terrance Zdunich all return.

            I really wish this would be shown in more theaters across the nation.  People who loved Repo! are going to love this as much as I did.  I think I can safely say that this will develop a huge cult following, just like their first collaboration did.  The songs are catchy, the costumes are perfection and the movie was visually stunning.  For me, it was hard to hear at times, but I blame that on the theater, not the actual movie.

            It was also a lot shorter than I thought it would be.  It turns out (**massive spoiler alert**) that this project was intended to be episodic.  What that means is that The Devil’s Carnival is part one of what could be a major series.  Zdunich and Bousman want to continue the series by retelling more of Aesop’s Fables.  Hell, the end of the movie has Lucifer gathering his…followers…minions…his, uh, carnies and saying they’re pretty much going to wage war on Heaven.  By the way, God is played by Paul Sorvino, known for his role as Rotti Largo.  That man has an absolutely amazing voice.  Seriously, I’m female and an alto and even I wish I had his voice.

            I really want to see this series continue.  I want to see how the carnies take over Heaven, how Lucifer plans to confront God…there’s just so much I want to know.  Honestly, I think Terrance Zdunich and Darren Bousman are like the indie film dream team.  They have created cinematic magic together and amassed a legion of fans who, like me, are dying to see more.  Unfortunately, making a movie like that costs a lot of money, but I think if they set up a way to get donations on Kickstarter, they would get the money they need.

            Anyway, after the film ended, there was a question and answer session, which was a lot shorter than I thought it would be.  I have to admit, I laughed really hard when someone asked Terrance Zdunich to shout “GRAVES!” like he did in Repo!  The answer was a firm “No.”  I would have loved to hear him sing.  The man, like Paul Sorvino, has a marvelous voice.  My friends Squee and Terra are known to play the soundtrack for Repo! The Genetic Opera in my car in sing along.  I can safely say that Terrance Zdunich has a very sexy voice.  I can also get several people to agree with that statement.

            And finally, there was an opportunity to get autographs.  The stage happened to be about five feet off the ground.  They had stairs but I cannot do stairs without a rail.  I’ve mentioned before that I had some traumatic spinal surgery and I do have to use a cane to walk.  Well, I also have no sense of balance.  Stairs without rails…not safe.  So, Butterfly and I asked if they’d come down off the stage to take a photo with me.  They didn’t have to, but they did.  Yes, Terrance Zdunich and Darren Bousman went out of their way to let me get a picture with them.  I was really happy, but also touched that they’d do that for a fan.

            So now, I have listened to Repo! The Genetic Opera again and I have the soundtrack for The Devil’s Carnival sitting next to me.  I have an autographed poster and my CD also has autographs.  

            I will say with all honesty that if these two men collaborate again in the future for another Devil’s Carnival, I will buy another ticket.  I love that these films aren’t mainstream and that they aren’t trying to appeal to the masses.  It’s made for people who love movies.  It’s for those who have an appreciation of cult films.  I suppose it’s a cult film…I could be wrong on this.  The only people who can answer that are Zdunich and Bousman…so…if they read this, I guess they can tell me.

            If they do read this…that would make my year.

            I’m a very satisfied film critic right now.  The Devil’s Carnival was brilliant and I’m not sure if I will add it to my top twelve of ’12 list.  I’m following Film Brain’s rule that if it isn’t available nation wide, it doesn’t count.  Since this is limited release…I don’t know.  When the time comes, I’ll make the ultimate decision on whether or not this qualifies.  

            So there you go.  I loved The Devil’s Carnival, I’d recommend it if it comes to a city near you or when it’s released on DVD.  Hell, I’d even say check out Repo! The Genetic Opera.  I was lucky because I found my copy at a Half Price Books nearby.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I will unashamedly admit to being a Terrance Zdunich fangirl.

            Also, don’t forget that my Marvel Movie marathon is ending on Wednesday!  I have 2 entries so far.  You could win 2 passes to the all day movie marathon, along with 2 free small popcorns, a Harkins swag bag and a commemorative lanyard.  This could all be yours for FREE!

            I do have an email address if anyone wants to contact me.  If you’d like to get a hold of me, please do so: TheCinemaChick@yahoo.com.  Or you can catch me on Twitter: @TheCinemaChick.

Thanks to Butterfly for taking the pics!

 Darren Bousman is behind me.  Terrance Zdunich has his hand on my arm (which I did not notice until today.).  I'm rocking the red top with a red and black wristband.

 My autographed poster

My autographed soundtrack

Ultimate Marvel Movie Marathon!

Here are the questions:

1. In "Iron Man" what is the name of Tony Stark's artificial intelligence computer program and who voices it?

2. In "Iron Man 2", Mickey Rourke plays Ivan Vanko.  He demands one thing before he starts working for the bad guy.  What is it?

3. Three actors have portrayed The Incredible Hulk.  Name 2 of them.

4. Thor has a hammer.  The hammer has a name.  What is the name?  (SPELLING COUNTS)

5. What is Captain America's shield made of?

6. Who is directing "The Avengers"?


My rules:

1. 18 and over please.

2. Answers must be correct (and one spelled correctly)

3. If you leave out any information (name, email address or answers) it will mean that I probably won't pick you as the winner.

4. The contest will run for one week, starting at midnight.  So, from April 11 to April 18, you have a chance to win.

5. One entry per person.

And I am working from a script, so I'm sorry if I keep looking away or down.  I'm new to the world of scripted vlogs.  I am very excited to be doing this and I can't wait to see your answers.

More info is available here if you need it:
http://www.harkinstheatres.com/Avengers.aspx

Good luck everyone!



Questions?  Comments?  Concerns?
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