How to Survive a Horror Film

            Hey everyone out there, I’m TheCinemaChick and I haven’t been very active again. I’m proud to announce I have a beautiful new niece, named Alexis, who is about two weeks old.  I’ve also started a relationship with a wonderful man, so that’s been taking up a lot of time.  Ah, you’re not here to listen to me drone on and on about my personal life.  You’re here because you think I have a movie to review.

            Well, I don’t.

            However, I have something just as good, if not better.  October is right around the corner, meaning tons of scary movies will be coming out.  Yet, every time I watch a horror film, I can’t help but wonder, “Is that character a complete moron?”  It’s so obvious that certain people are going to die that it’s just predictable and stale.  But, for those of you who aren’t as disillusioned as me, you might be asking, “Hey CinemaChick, if I ever end up in a horror film, what can I do to survive?”

            I’m glad you asked dear reader.  Kit Kat, my dear, long lost, freakishly alike twin sister and I have the answer to your query.  So turn on the lights, lock the doors and don’t scream as we venture into the world of horror.

            Hey guys, Kit Kat here. While I’m usually only around for Bad Movie Bonanza, I thought it was about time to do a little public service. Now while many of you think you might know how to survive in a horror movie, there might be some things you haven’t thought of that could mean the difference living through the night or becoming the next funeral in your town.

            Let’s start off with the most obvious thing: location.  Seriously, if you buy an old, spooky looking house, it’s going to be haunted.  If you live hear a forest, there’s probably an escaped lunatic out to kill you.  And of course, if you live deep in the country, there’s probably an inbred hillbilly family waiting to kidnap and torture you.  So, yeah, think about your real estate choices here folks.

            Another thing to look at when you are choosing your location, your neighbors. Hey the house might not be haunted or in the middle of nowhere, but in even in the middle of suburbia one has to make sure their neighbors aren’t psychos or stalkers. If they qualify in either of those categories consider a different location and don’t give them the key to your home.

            Good point.  Does your neighbor have any strange quirks that you may have noticed?  Do they only go out at night?  Are strange people coming and going?  Do they sacrifice small animals?  It is possible that your neighbor is possessed.  You never know what to expect from your neighbors.  If they’ve been released from prison recently, avoid that area.  Seriously, research your potential home thoroughly or you might end up caged in some dude’s basement or slaughtered by demons.

            Okay now, let’s say that you’ve found your home. It’s not haunted, rituals weren’t performed there, it’s not in a backwoods area and the neighbors are sane logical people. Now, no one can predict if there’s going to be a psycho at your school or office. But once they’ve set their eyes on you there are certain things you can do to avoid being easy pickings. One of the key things is: Sex. Don’t do it. While this may seem a bit harsh this just might save your life.

            Let’s face it, people like sex.  They never see it as something that could potentially get them killed.  However, you are your most vulnerable when you’re doing the horizontal mambo.  You’re focused on the other person, you’re thinking about lust and you’re probably buck ass nude.  If the killer, demon, psychopath, etc., shows up, what’s the first thing you’ll probably do?  Grab something and try to be modest.  Face it, the killer doesn’t care if they see your junk or not!  Plus you have to untangle bodies so it just gets complicated.  In the off chance you’re in a horror flick, suppress the urge.  Do you want to live or do you want to die during sex?

            Also, here’s some food for thought. If you think you’re the “player” and pulls a one night stand on a chic and then you “suddenly” have a stalker. Coincidence? I think not. Don’t be a player or a dick. Because if you tend to think with that organ it just might get you killed first or saved for the last and most brutal killing.

            That’s right guys.  Chicks can be psychopath murderers as well.  And trust me, we may look all sweet and innocent, but we can be just as twisted, demented and sick as anyone else.  Which, leads me to the next topic.  Stereotypes.  Every scary movie has them and with them you know who will die and who will live.  Case in point, the “player” is most likely to die by an amputation, to help him learn a lesson…if you catch my drift.

            Also, the female of this species known as the “slut” also tends to die. This is where being a virgin usually pays off in the end. If you are in a group of people and you are lucky enough to have a couple of “nerds” or “geeks” then count yourself lucky. Listen to what those brainacs have to say. More often than not they will have a solution to your problem because they studied history or arcane and ancient magic.

            I would now like to use myself as an example.  I am definitely a nerd, but I know a LOT about the supernatural and occult.  I know how to ward off demons, ghosts, vampires and I know a thing or two about battling haunted houses.  Therefore, in a horror movie, I become the most useful person there.  The Doctor (you know, from the most awesome show ever, Doctor Who) says books are the most valuable weapon in the entire universe.  Arm yourself with knowledge!

            Now, while we are talking about stereotypes, I think it’s also time to discuss clothing. Some might ask how clothing will make any difference in a life or death situation. My first point would be to all the girly girls out there. We all know the in horror movies running is something that’s going to happen. Now, if you are looking to die an early death pull on those high heels and break an ankle trying to run around. Congrats, you’re dead.

            Here’s a clothing tip for the men.  You know how you like to wear your jeans with the waistband sitting under your butt?  If you’re being chased. those pants are going to fall down and trip you.  If your lucky enough to rip them off and survive, I sure hope you are wearing something underneath.  This is will one of the rare times those men in skinny jeans have something that you don’t and that’s a chance to live.

            This is one time were you need to take fashion tips from a jock. Lace up those sneakers, opt for basketball shorts or some kind of pants instead of short shorts or a skirt and please ladies, don’t wear skimpy tops. Cover up. At the very least if your shirt gets ripped from your body during a chase then you can run around without trying to cover yourself at the same time.

            Now, if you can keep your legs shut, your wits sharp and snag a not haunted house, there’s something else you need to do.  If you think there might be a chance there is a ghost in your home or that your friend is possibly possessed by a demon, do not provoke it.  Don’t ever piss off the supernatural creature.  Those things have powers that we mortals can only dream of.  With that in mind, don’t have a séance or play with a Ouija board because you never know what you’ll set loose.

            You also have to beware of the possibility that if you renovate your home that you will stir something up. Whether it’s just the renovation or you find an ancient Indian burial ground. You MUST treat it with respect. Call in an expert to help you move the remains or have them documented. If you renovation starts up a haunting because you didn’t do your research don’t just assume you can ignore it. Seek help IMMEADIATELY. You might think that just moving will help this. In some cases it might. But in other cases the entity could leech onto you and follow you wherever you go.

            If you do call in the experts and the expert runs off scared, you should get the hell out of there.  Get your bags packed and leave immediately.  That means the demon is too powerful for anyone to calm down or destroy.  Trust me, some demons and spirits are good and willing to help, but there are some whose sole purpose is to kill or destroy.  Some of them want a body to claim so they can walk amongst us.  

            Now, if you decide not to run, if you are trapped at this location, or you think you might have a haunting/stalker that will bring us to the next topic: Noises. While this seems like a broad category, it is one to take under SERIOUS consideration. Noises in a house you might even think are haunted need to be taken as an ominous sign. Unless the house is just that old and creaky, which we have all ready told you to avoid, then don’t EVER assume it’s the wind, the house settling, or one of your friends or family.

            Also, if you ever hear a strange voice, do NOT try to locate it.  Don’t follow it because that’s like asking to die.  Also, if you respond to the voice, congratulations, you’re now a target.  The less noise you make, the better your chances of survival are.  And if you’re pretty sure a killer’s in your house, don’t shout out, “Hello?”  What’s the killer going to do, respond saying, “Just a second, I had to use the bathroom!  Let me just wash my hands, then I’ll slit your throat!”

            A very good point. The point of any killer/stalker situation is to survive. Don’t make yourself a target and don’t corner yourself. Hiding under the bed or in a closet might seem like a wonderful idea when you start hearing noises in the house. Why not? Out of sight, you’re not making a sound. Perfect right? Not necessarily. If you are alone in the house then all you’ve done is corner yourself and all the killer has to do is open the door and stab you now that you have nowhere to run to.

            I’d like to add something at this point.  You’d think this is all common knowledge, but watch a horror film.  They all break these rules.  I know movies are not real, but you never know when a demon will be unleashed in your house and you need to haul ass.  Trust us, we know how to make sure you get out alive.

            Cinema Chick is right. I’ve been touched a time or two by a ghost or rather something I couldn’t see. And speaking of hauling ass. You’ll find it’s much easier and more effective to not look back at who or what is chasing you. While in the movies this provides some great shots of a character being scared it also provides something else. The chance to trip over something in front of you. This could be a log out in the forest, the corpse of one of your friends or your own feet.

            And if you’re not exactly that far away from the location, what makes you think they won’t be behind you?  The thing chasing you can’t teleport.  Always look forward and make sure to be aware of your surroundings.  There could be corpses, zombies popping out of shallow graves or hell, some trees might grab you.  Now this brings me to our final point: weapons.  Always remain armed with whatever you can get your hands on.  That way, if you trip, you can at least defend yourself.

            The type of weapon you choose to arm yourself with needs to change with the situation you find yourself in. While a firearm might seem like a weapon for all occasions, you can’t harm a poltergeist with a gun or a vampire for that matter unless you are one of the few who prepare for things like that. Guns are good for zombies and human stalkers or killers. As quoted in Zombieland, don’t get clingy with your bullets. If a zombie or human is a threat to your life a second bullet isn’t wasteful but necessary for survival.

            If you’re up against something from the occult, always, always, always have salt on hand.  It sounds like a silly thing to have, but salt repels evil.  Nothing evil can cross that, so have some on hand.  If not, burn some sage to ward off an unfriendly ghost.  Silver protects against werewolves and a blessed cross will help you when you face a vampire.  Now, if you’re like me, you don’t have access to a gun.  Instead, raid the kitchen.  Get knives, forks, cleavers, ice picks, anything you can.  A baseball bat can also come in handy, as well as a golf clubs.

            Now, some of you might be squirming about using weapons of any kind. Well, get over it. This is a life or death situation. If someone in your group refuses to kill with whatever weapon you give them, then show them the door because they are more likely to get you killed because while you might fight to protect them they will just a surely run away to protect themselves when you need help most.

            So keep our suggestions in mind.  Once again, you never know when a psychopath will break into your house and try to kill you.  Hell, this might come in handy if you’re in a dark ally with a mugger.  Use your surroundings to your advantage.  If there’s an empty bottle, smash it.  A shard of glass will help.  If you have a bunch of keys, slide a key between each finger.  It’s like brass knuckles, only pointier.  Ladies, if all else fails, use your sex appeal.  Lure them in, do the unexpected and run like hell.

            Just to recap on our tips for surviving a horror movie. 1: Location, Location, Location; 2: No sex; 3: Stereotypes can be killers; 4: Choose clothing wisely; 5: Don’t piss off the supernatural; 6: Beware of noises; 7: NEVER look back while running; and 8: Choose a weapon wisely. While nothing is fool proof, these eight tips give you a better fighting chance than having none at all. Sometimes it’s just about making it till dawn and if you follow this tips and rules then you might live to see another day.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I’m saying, if things start going south, I’m fighting until the end and going down swinging.

            And I’m Kit Kat and you can count on me to fight to the bitter end without a second thought.

Better Late Than Never: Snow White

Yeah, I'm really behind in posting this but what the hell.  Here's me and Fry making fun of Snow White and the Huntsman.

5 more movies I want to see

Couple of things I need to provide:

CodenameJD's youtube: http://www.youtube.com/codenamejd

Doctor Horrible's Sing a long Blog will premiere on October 9, no time is set.

Trailer for Breaking Dawn Part II:

I'm on Twitter, so tweet me @TheCinemaChick!  I do shoutouts, promote other blogs and vlogs, I take requests (within reason).

Not So Magic Mike

**This review will contain strong language, sexual content and Channing Tatum.  You have been warned.**

            Greetings and salutation, dear reader.  I am the chick of the cinema, better known as TheCinemaChick.  I know I haven’t quite gotten back into the swing of things like I said I would, but you know, things happen in my real life.  I’m still plowing through that algebra course, I’ve got things going on, people to cheer up (which apparently, is a one way street.  So…I spent two days helping someone out and he couldn’t do the same for me.  Thanks a lot) and of course…I met a boy.  I don’t want to jinx it because I really like him so let’s move on to the film I am so ashamed to admit I paid to see.

            In 2011, Bridesmaids broke me.

            In 2012, Magic Mike broke my brain.

            Yeah…I finally broke down and went to see Magic Mike, the film Channing Tatum called “semi-autobiographical”.  If that’s really what his life has been like, then good lord, I can see why he has no issues getting naked.  While I’m liberal and I can handle almost anything you throw at me, this was something I was no prepared for.  I can’t even call this a film.  There is no plot, no character development, no conflict…how the hell did this become so popular?

            Oh yes, that’s right.  Man candy.

            I’ve made my feelings known about Channing Tatum.  I don’t like him, I don’t find him attractive and I don’t think he’s a good actor honestly.  The weird thing is, about halfway into “Magic Mike”, I felt like the story wasn’t even about him anymore.  It switches to being more about Adam, Mike’s protégée of sorts, played by Alex Pettyfer.   Admittedly, I don’t like Pettyfer either.  In fact, I don’t like most of the people in this film.  Which then makes you wonder, why would I see this movie if I had zero interest in it?

            To which I respond: the same reason I read that literary waste “50 Shades of Grey”.  I wanted to know what the big deal was.  I won’t get started on “50 Shades” because honestly…I’m writing something on that for later.  Plus, it’s an abomination.  It’s absolutely horrible.  People, it’s a thinly veiled version of “Twilight”!  It’s “Twilight” porn!

            *takes a deep breath*

            Anyway, I waited for Magic Mike to lose some of its steam before going to see it because I didn’t want to deal with the huge crowds.  Even then, I still regret seeing it.  Other than the fact that it’s disorganized, unfocused, unclear and was just bland as a bowl of plain oatmeal, it was offensive.  I had to look away several times because that kind of content should be reserved for late night Cinemax on the weekends.  For instance, towards the beginning, Mike is talking to someone on the right side of the screen.  On the left side of the screen is a penis.  Yes, a penis.  It’s in a pump, being pumped and it’s in the foreground so it’s impossible to miss.  However, I did.  I was watching the actors talk and Fry pointed it out to me.

            But come on!  This film is already rated R and this scene alone should have pushed it to NC-17.  I’ve watched Michael Fassbender’s NC-17 film “Shame” and it wasn’t as graphic as this.  I actually enjoyed “Shame” because it had a solid plot, conflict and character development.  “Magic Mike”…when the movie ended and the credits began, I actually said, in a my normal speaking voice, “WTF is this shit?”

            (I do apologize for my foul language.  Trust me, the movie was worse.)

            So, as if seeing multiple penises wasn’t bad enough, there’s so much more going on.  There’s drinking all the time, people taking ecstasy throughout, and on my good lord, who uses the F-word THAT much in real life?  Ok, I can think of one person, but for most normal people, no one needs to drop that many F-bombs!  I swear every sentence from every person in that film had to say fuck.  (Again, apologies, but seriously, in the first five minutes, I lost count of how many times that was said.)

            Now, let’s talk about the male strippers, who rarely ever show up.  Yes, for a film about male stripping, there was a surprising lack of male stripping.  I’ve already mentioned Tatum and Pettyfer, who are the main focus, but there are a few more.  Joe Manganiello of True Blood fame plays “Big Dick Richie” and that penis I mentioned earlier…it’s implied that it’s his.  We also have Ken, played by Matt Bomer.  Who is Matt Bomer?  I honestly have never heard of this guy.  There’s also Tito, who had almost nothing to do with anything.

            Then we come to the biggest surprise and disappointment of the film.  Kevin Nash plays Tarzan.  I’ll admit, I’m a fan of professional wrestling.  Nash was a huge star in WCW, TNA and even in WWE.  In “Magic Mike” it was painfully obvious that he was only doing this for a paycheck.  His choreography was pathetic and he didn’t have many lines.  Someone younger, more attractive and more into the role should have been cast instead of Kevin Nash.

            I hated this movie.  I don’t think I have ever hated a film so much that I wish I had a TARDIS so I could go back in time and stop myself from seeing it.  It’s so bad that it’s currently winning for worst movie of the year.  Yes, “The Devil Inside” was better than “Magic Mike”. 

            After seeing this film, I could not even say a sentence.  I was broken.  I could not think straight.  Poor Kit Kat had to listen to a fifteen minute rant of me, babbling incoherently about how bad this movie was.  I summed it up to her as: Boring, penis, stripping, boring, boring, boring, boring. PENIS, boring, sex, boring, stripping, drugs, boring, boring, boring, boring, drinking, drugs, BABY PIG, boring, boring, stripping, boring, boring, boring, done.  I literally could not think of a better way to sum up that movie.  It was horrible, had awful characters and it was left so open that it was as disappointing as the stripping scenes.  Tatum’s character has goals in life and he tries to achieve them, but no…those goals become big lipped alligator moments.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s when something is brought up once, has no play in the overall plot and never mentioned again.

            This movie was solely made the hot men in it and marketed solely towards women.  It’s disgusting.

            Do us all a favor and skip “Magic Mike”.  Go to a real strip club if you  want to see men taking their clothes off for money.  I hated it with a passion.  I’ve never been so ashamed to admit seeing a movie and I saw the Hannah Montana film.  

            This movie is so bad, I don’t even have a rating for it.  It’s nothing but shameless nudity and penises.  It’s offensive when it’s not boring and absolute crap. 

            Also, they are considering a sequel to this film.  Do us all a favor and do not make the sequel.  Spare us.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I hope my next film is better.

The Dark Knight Rises again

            Hello folks who read stuff online, my name is TheCinemaChick.  I’m here to review the newest films in theaters, but first…I have to discuss something that’s been stressing me out.  I’ve highly upset and depressed because of this.  Last night, in Aurora, Colorado, two men went to a midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises” and open fired on the crowd.  Last I read, fourteen people have died and fifty were wounded.  Some of the victims were in the military.

            I was at a midnight showing as well, but in Grapevine, Texas.  The shooting could have happened at my theater or one close by.  I enjoyed the movie, but now, it is forever going to be associated with death, carnage and fear.  While those are prominent in the film, I know Batman is a fictional movie where everyone went home safe afterwards.  Knowing that someone wanted to see a film with friends of family and lost their life…I’m fairly certain I have just attended my next to last midnight showing.  I would say my final, but I have already committed to a “Breaking Dawn” marathon with Fry, Kit Kat, Terra and Unown.  I cannot pull out of that because Kit Kat is flying down just for that and you know, to spend time with me.  She is my long lost, freakishly alike sister.

            With that said, if you are in Colorado, I send my condolences, my thoughts, and my wishes that everyone hurt recovers fully.  Random acts of senseless violence like that leave me dumbfounded. 

            Aurora, Colorado,  TheCinemaChick loves you.

            With that out of the way, let’s get into the heart of the matter.  I did go to a midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises” last night and I really enjoyed it.  Yes, it’s a very long film so wear your comfy clothes and get in a comfy chair because you’ll be in it for the long haul.  My seat, however, was painfully uncomfortable.  Plus, by the time the midnight showing had rolled around, I’d been in it for about eight hours.  

            I went to a triple feature at my local Cinemark, which showed “Batman Begins”, “The Dark Knight” and “The Dark Knight Rises”.  It was a fun experience and I definitely enjoyed it.  Fry had never seen the films before so I was happy to show her the brilliance that is Christian Bale.  And to make things even better, a friend of mine from college joined us.  Keep in mind, it was fun until we heard about the shooting.

            I like the Batman films.  I grew up watching them starting with the old school Adam West version that is laughably over the top now.  I remember sitting in the living room with my family, curled up on this old blanket my brother and I used to fight over and watching Batman Returns.  To date, I have seen every live action film released into theaters.  Sadly, that also includes Batman and Robin which…let’s be honest, Joel Schumaker killed it.  He ruined that film so much.  It’s an embarrassment to superhero movies everywhere.

            Surprisingly, I did not see “Batman Begins” until this past Christmas.  I rented it and watched it with my dad, who’s not big on the comic book adaptation.  At the time, I didn’t get it, but since I have seen it a few more times since then, I understand the film and see why it is so important.  I would like to add one thing, I want more Cillian Murphy.  He pulls off Dr. Crane/Scarecrow so well.  He’s got that innocent, boyish face that makes him so trustworthy, but he’s actually a very devious man.

            “The Dark Knight” I saw on opening night, with Butterfly.  I had no intention of seeing it, but he insisted.  In all honesty, I think it’s one of the greatest movies I’ve ever seen.  It had a solid plot, great action and the actors really got into their roles.  I won’t mention Heath Ledger’s intensity, but I fully agree that it was one of his best performances.  He is one of the greatest actors I’ve ever seen whose life was cut way too short.  Granted, I didn’t care for the plot as much in this one because it got a little muddled.  I understand how Lao fits in with everything, but he became such a minor character that he was forgettable.

            Then finally, “The Dark Knight Rises” came out and once again, I was blown away.  I have to admit, one thing I absolutely love about Christopher Nolan is that he has an amazing sense of continuity.  He reminds the audience of what happened to Harvey Dent and why Batman became an outlaw.  We are shown that Bruce still loves Rachel.  Perhaps what made me happiest is that the same actors appear in all three films.  Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman have been in all of them, which really helps.  

            I admit, the movie was incredibly long, but I was never bored.  It’s also horribly flawed, which I’ll get to into a bit.  Bale was perfect as Batman.  Before this trilogy, I really only cared for Michael Keaton, but Bale was an excellent choice.  Tom Hardy, oh my goodness, let’s talk about him.  He is quite possibly the best casting choice made for this film.  He’s unrecognizable in both appearance and speech when he’s in full Bane gear.  I knew he would be good, but he was phenomenal.  This is quite possibly one of the best performances he’s ever given.  Personally, I think he looks quite sexy as a demented, scarred, masked anarchist.  But what can I say, I have a thing for villains.

            The ending is by far the best part of the film.  It has a huge twist that you will never see coming and is actually quite shocking.  Seriously, you’ll watch this thinking Bane is the one who’s the bad guy, but…there’s someone else.  Trust me, it’s a huge surprise.  The fight scenes were breathtaking so I was sucked in.  Then, there’s the fate of Batman, which had me bawling.  I won’t tell you what happens because honestly, you need to see this film.  Trust me, it’s more than worth it.

            I want to see this movie again, possibly in IMAX.  However, I have problems with this film.  Other than the running time, which I wish was shorter, there are things in the film I don’t like.  For example, this is a Batman movie but there is a surprising lack of Batman.  I know, it’s supposed to be about how Bruce Wayne has walked away from being Batman at the beginning, but he comes back.  But he’s really not in the movie much.  Same thing with Catwoman.  She rarely shows up.  If anything, this is Bane’s movie because he is the most prominent figure.  

            While I’m talking about Catwoman, I didn’t like Anne Hathaway.  When I think of her, I think upbeat, bubbly, not jewel thief.  She just didn’t cut it for me in this role.  I’ll admit, she was decent, but not incredible.  Then, her character was never really explored.  She was a cat burglar, but she was a good guy in the end.  She just switched teams so often it got annoying.  The movie could have left her out completely and the plot wouldn’t have suffered much.  She’s necessary in the first forty five minutes, but after that, she’s really irrelevant.

            Again, this is Bane’s movie.  He is seen the most, given one of the most descriptive background stories ever (which is put together in pieces that only come together during the huge twist at the end) and he’s just dominating.  Tom Hardy’s actual face is shown once, for a brief moment.  Even then, he’s still incredibly gorgeous.  In this movie, the man has the body of a god.  He is cut and I would not mind getting a nice tight hug from him.

            This is being billed as an “epic conclusion” and believe me, it is epic.  It’s a cinematic experience.  It does leave the ending wide open, which I hope they don’t do as a tease.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a major component in this film and for good reason.  His importance is shown in the final moments of the film.  To that I say, “Please, please, PLEASE, let another director pick up the franchise with Levitt!  Anyone but Joel Schumaker, Michael Bay and Tim Burton!  SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A NIGHTWING MOVIE!!” (spoiler alert there).

           

            I know a lot of people are going to be apprehensive about seeing this movie because of the Colorado incident, but here’s what I think.  Don’t let one man strike fear into your heart.  Batman is exactly what we need right now.  We need a symbol of hope, a sign that bad people can and will be stopped.  He may be the dark knight of Gotham, but he stands for what is right.  Don’t see Batman as someone to fear because of the tragedy.  Look at him and see a man who wants to protect the innocent.  

            Believe in Batman.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I will not let fear rule me.

I wouldn't say amazing...

            Hey guys, I’m known as TheCinemaChick and after a month long (and much needed) hiatus, I’m back!  June was a rather interesting month for me.  I volunteered at a local church and did vacation Bible school.  At the end of that, I managed to fall and sprain my ankle really bad.  So, I was laid up for about a week, then I got some really…heartbreaking news.  It seems I was causing some friction in a friend’s relationship so he has chosen to cut me out of his life very suddenly.  Yes, it was painful, but I think I’ll survive.  It’s not my fault his girlfriend thinks I’m someone I’m not.

            Then, some very exciting news.  My brother became a father for the first time last week!  Yes, I am now AuntieCinemaChick!  I got to hold her today and she is so tiny, but adorable.  I am over the moon right now.  But, you’re not here to listen to me ramble on and on about my new niece.  No…you’re here because I’m going to review a movie for you.  And for my triumphant return, I’m going to tackle one of the biggest anticipated movies of the summer.  And unfortunately, I hated it.

            Yes dear reader, I hated “The Amazing Spider Man”.  Trust me, I use the term “amazing” rather loosely.  I’m sorry, we had a trilogy of movies based on this same comic book hero a decade ago.  Why are we already doing a remake of it?  Not to mention, why can’t they make a DECENT remake?  The actors were so badly miscast its not even funny.  Andrew Garfield looks like a scrawny little nerd who only looks buff when he’s in costume.  He just didn’t cut it for me.  Also, I don’t really like Emma Stone.  I don’t think she’s all that great either in comedic or dramatic roles.  I hated “Easy A” and I wasn’t fond of “The Help” because it focused on her too much.  She’s playing Gwen Stacy in this one, the replacement for Mary Jane I guess.  I prefer Kirsten Dunst honestly.

            Before I went into this film, I was only half interested in it.  I’ll admit, I may be a Marvel girl, but I don’t really care for the Spider Man stuff.  I never really liked him.  I’ve seen the first movies, the ones with Tobey Maguire and I enjoyed those.  They weren’t my favorite films of all time, but they were good.  Let’s not get into Spider Man 3 with “emo Peter” and the stupid dance number.  Trust me, I’m aware of how much it sucked.  However, in comparison to the newest version, I’d gladly watch that over again.

            “The Amazing Spider Man” did not live up to its name.  They must have used the word “amazing” rather loosely.  Ok, time for a little bit of my thoughts on how a movie should go.  Let’s say you want 100% of a film.  Let’s divide that up and I will explain why I have done it this way.

20% Exposition

30% Rising Action

10% Climax

20%Falling Action

10% Dénouement

           Let’s discuss this.  Expostion is the backstory and giving us all the information we need for a film, unless its in a series.  Even in a series, such as Harry Potter, they remind us of what we need to know for the upcoming movie.  However, in some cases, this can drag on insanely long.  This causes boredom in the viewer.  Yes, we need to know what’s going on and how this character came to be, but keep it to a minimum.

            Rising Action should be getting us amped up for the climax.  It should present conflict and tension, possibly some humor as well.  This is when we should be getting a real sense of the character.  Well, sometimes this gets cut short.  It shouldn’t be.  With this, the viewer is sucked in and drawn into the world the film has created.  If we never get the chance to make that connection to the film, well, the movie kind of sucks. 

            The Climax is the pinnacle of the movie.  It should be exciting and gripping and have the viewer’s full attention.  In a superhero movie, this is where the hero would fight the bad guy and win.  Like in the Avengers, the climax comes when the giant space worm turtle things come and they have to fight even though they are hurt and tired. 

            Falling Action resolves the conflicts presented earlier and lets us know that things came out all right for our hero.  It should sum things up and give us a feeling of satisfaction.  Again, when it comes to a series, this can be left wide open since there will be a continuation of the film.  Look at Lord of The Rings.  The ending of “The Fellowship of the Ring” just sort of stops and doesn’t have a sense of conclusion or finality.  The view knows and is fully aware that there will be two more films in the series so there aren’t any lingering questions.  All will be brought up in the second film and resolved in the third.

            Perhaps I will write something later about Lord of the Rings.  We’ll see.

            And finally, the Dénouement.  This is the ending.  Consider this the final scenes, post credit scenes and credits.  This really isn’t a huge part of the film, but still, it’s something that should be considered. 

            Now that I’ve explained that, let me explain this.  “The Amazing Spider Man” was about 80% exposition.  I’m not kidding.  There was very little action, almost no conflict, other than some minor bullying issues and Peter not knowing about his parents.  Even that gets put in the background for the most part.  I just didn’t feel like it went anywhere for about an hour and a half when this film runs a solid two and a half hours.  A lot of it was just character interaction, with nothing really binding it together.  I just couldn’t get into it.  Not to mention, I couldn’t get past the fact that Andrew Garfield looks like the bastard child of Robert Pattinson and Daniel Radcliffe. 

            The movie just kept dragging on and on and on.  If the viewer isn’t sucked in quickly, the movie is doomed.  I couldn’t get sucked into this if you’d turned on a vacuum and physically sucked me into the screen.  There isn’t very much Spider Man action.  It’s mostly just Peter Parker being emotional and reading.  He doesn’t really seem interested in Gwen at all, so it felt very forced.  I wanted to like this, I really did, but I didn’t. 

            And the 3D was useless.  There was maybe a grand total of 6 minutes of cool stuff that I thought was ok, but for the most part, I had no need for my glasses.  I’ll admit, there’s a few scenes where we get a first person point of view shot that I liked a lot.  We get to see through Spider Man’s eyes as he swings around the city, which was interesting.  I’m not a huge fan of first person because I am prone to motion sickness.

            I couldn’t even get into the climax but it was a let down.  There was no awesome battle between Spider Man and The Lizard (played by Rhys Ifans, you know Xenophilius Lovegood from Harry Potter).  Personally, I didn’t even see him as a villain.  His intentions were noble.  Dr. Curt Connors lost part of his arm and just wants to get it back.  Ok, I understand why you’re doing these insane things to yourself.  He wants to help people who have injuries or disabilities by crossing species.  That actually sounds like a good idea, but he just went a little too far in his research.  I did not find him threatening at all.  A good villain should make me want him to lose.  Hell, I was rooting for The Lizard more than Spider Man.

            And to make things even better, Curt Connors tries to redeem himself!  He kills someone, but ends up saving Spider Man!  Of course the movie has its happy ending.  Peter gets Gwen, he’s allowed to be Spider Man but then there’s a post credit scene that had me going “Oh great…sequel fodder.”  And for those of you who don’t speak my language, sequel fodder is an ending or post credit scene that clearly hints at a sequel or pending series.  In this case, expect a sequel.  The villain is alive and can break out.  I have no idea who the guy in the post credits scene is, so if you know, please tell me.  So far, all I know is that it is NOT Norman Osborn, better known as The Green Goblin.  So that’s all I know for now kids. 

            But I mean, come on, Marvel.  Fry and I watched this, pointing out elements from Avengers that happened to pop up.  For instance, remember that giant blue cloud in the sky before the Chitauri invade?  It returns in this one. 

            This was an unnecessary remake.  It’s boring, way too drawn out and just doesn’t satisfy at all.  At one point, I was so bored, I started playing with my hair.  Yes, I took my hair down, which I never do, and braided it.  I gave myself a Katniss braid and braided my bangs while I was at it.  I’m sorry, but skip this one.  Go see Ted or Magic Mike, neither which I have seen.  I would rather see those that sit through Spider Man again.  If this tells you anything, I have seen all the Marvel movies at least twice, if not more.  (I’ve officially seen Avengers 5 times now)  This…this wasn’t worth the seven bucks I paid to see it.

            Well, that’s all the ranting I have to do about The “Amazing” Spider Man.  I’m back and ready to catch up some reviews.  I’ve got several things I’m working on.  Tim Burton will be a feature in August, where I look at some of my favorite films of his.  I’m also doing a “Better Late Than Never” review, where I talk about the movies I saw in June and didn’t touch.  So far, I’ve got to do Snow White and the Huntsman (disappointment) and Prometheus (confusing but brilliant).

            I’m looking forward to the upcoming release of the latest Batman movie.  I’m considering going to a marathon of the Christopher Nolan films, but we’ll see.  You never know with me.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I’m back, baby!

Better Late Than Never: Dark Shadows

            Greetings fellow film geek, my name is TheCinemaChick and I see a lot of movies.  I’ve been fairly quiet as of late, but things happen folks.  I got busy and enrolled for college.  Yeah, I have technically finished my degree, but there’s one class that has been eluding me.  I must face College Algebra once more.  It sucks.

            Now, I have been getting asked one thing a lot lately.  People note that I complain about being broke all the time.  How do I afford to go out to a theater all the time?  Well, I avoid buying snacks and drinks when I go, which saves me some cash.  I usually go during matinee hours.  And oh yes, I am actually a film critic.  That seriously is my job.  I am employed to write about films.  So there you have it.  I’m frugal and I’m a writer.

            I don’t mean to sound so uppity, but people assume I’m a lazy bum who does nothing.  That’s just not the case.  I do many things, most of which I don’t bother talking about because it’s just not that interesting.  Do you really care if I babysit my nephews or if I knit a blanket? 

            Didn’t think so.

            Let’s move on.

            Now, this movie took me weeks to see just because I waited to watch it for a reason.  Butterfly just had a birthday and he wanted to see “Dark Shadows”.  So I took him to see it this past Monday.  We also had Fry with us and when the three of us get together, we usually have a good time.  Plus, I’m a huge Tim Burton fan.  Anything his name is on, I will watch and endorse.  Add Johnny Depp into that mix and I will gladly go see it. 

            That’s why this review has been so difficult to write.

            I really didn’t like “Dark Shadows”.  Yeah, it was based off an old soap opera that ran from 1966-1971, which sort of explains the campiness of the movie, but come on.  Soap operas are melodramatic stories with completely incoherent plots that have a twist added in every episode.  Keep in mind programs like this tend to run for decades.  So let’s take a series that ran for five years and cram it into two hours.  It just can’t be done.  In fact, I’m not sure if this is a remake, reboot or a parody of the original.  I haven’t seen the Jonathan Frid version of this, so I can’t say.

            Now, my main problem is exactly what I mentioned. It’s an entire series of a soap opera shoved into a two hour time frame.  My old Creative Writing professor would call it a “condensed novel”, which is where you cram way too much into too small a space.  I mean, in “Dark Shadows”, they tell the story of Barnabas in his youth, how he became cursed, his imprisonment, his release, how his ancestors are persevering, the failing seafood business, the new love interest, the witch’s jealousy, Barnabas restoring the family’s honor, the child who sees ghosts, the deadbeat dad, awkward sexual scenes all leading up to a really disappointing ending involving a werewolf.

            I want you to think about that for a moment.  I just told you the plot of the entire film.  Trust me, it’s really unimpressive.  I could probably handle a good chunk of this, but having it all in there was just confusing.  They tried to do too much with no success.  Good lord, this movie had like five producers, including Depp and not one of them said, “We should think about streamlining this just a tiny bit.”

            Also, here’s another thing that has been bothering me.  How does Barnabas Collins have relatives when he’s been locked in a coffin for two hundred years?  The movie never once hinted that he had siblings or cousins or anything.  Yet, two centuries later, he still has family.  Did he have children with his lover before they married or was he seeing a mistress?  This is never explained!

            Ok, Tim Burton, let’s chat for a moment.  When making films, you have this awesome talent of creating a world and telling me everything about it.  Good lord, look at the masterpieces that are “Nightmare Before Christmas”, “Corpse Bride” and “9”.  Those movies give me everything in an hour and a half.  “Dark Shadows” told me absolutely nothing except that Barnabas Collins has a stalker.  I went into this expecting a campy, cheesy comedy about a vampire trying to fit in when he awoke in the 1970s, but it was just dry.  There was nothing really exciting about it.

            Johnny Depp looked horrible.  Vampires are supposed to be pale, but he looked like he’d just laid down in a tub of white paint.  Literally, he was whiter than White Out, with badly contoured cheeks.  The makeup was such a huge let down.  It’s worse than Peter Facinelli in “Twilight”.  And I’m sad to say that even though I loathe and abhor “Twilight” the makeup for the Carlisle Cullen character was superior to this.  Everyone else was passable, but Depp was not.  I will admit Helena Bonham Carter looks good as a redhead.

            Another huge letdown for me was the fact that Depp had no chemistry with almost the entire female cast.  Bella Heathcote plays Victoria Winters, who just happens to be Collins’s reincarnated, murdered lover.  When they were onscreen together, they looked awkward, almost like they really didn’t want to be near each other.  For that matter, the love interest is barely in the film.  After her introduction, she just disappears and pops up every now and then.  They do end up together after he turns her into a vampire, but the whole romance angle just doesn’t work at all.

            Even the villain was just bad.  Angelique (played by Eva Green) is a witch, who is apparently immortal who is “in love” with Barnabas.  She calls it love, I call it an obsession.  Basically, Angelique wants Barnabas and has wanted him since the 1700s when she killed his parents, cursed his fiancée then cursed him to be a vampire.  I’m a little skeptical on the whole “vampires are just cursed people” thing.  Anyway, Angelique spends her time on screen being irritating or annoyingly sexual.  I understand she’s a lusty character, but did it have to be that obvious?  And once again, absolutely no chemistry.  Instead of enjoying her as a villain, I just wanted her gone.

            Overall, I was just disappointed.  I expected too much and was severely let down.  And it’s considered a failure.  Then again, it came out right after “The Avengers” so it really never had a chance to be successful.  

            This may be a summer of disappointment.

            So there you go.  “Dark Shadows” isn’t worth your time or money.  The plot is weak, the acting is subpar and its not funny.  Go see “The Avengers” again instead.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I’m walking on sunshine, whoa oh oh, I’m walking on sunshine!