Saturday, August 4, 2012

Not So Magic Mike


**This review will contain strong language, sexual content and Channing Tatum.  You have been warned.**

            Greetings and salutation, dear reader.  I am the chick of the cinema, better known as TheCinemaChick.  I know I haven’t quite gotten back into the swing of things like I said I would, but you know, things happen in my real life.  I’m still plowing through that algebra course, I’ve got things going on, people to cheer up (which apparently, is a one way street.  So…I spent two days helping someone out and he couldn’t do the same for me.  Thanks a lot) and of course…I met a boy.  I don’t want to jinx it because I really like him so let’s move on to the film I am so ashamed to admit I paid to see.

            In 2011, Bridesmaids broke me.
            In 2012, Magic Mike broke my brain.

            Yeah…I finally broke down and went to see Magic Mike, the film Channing Tatum called “semi-autobiographical”.  If that’s really what his life has been like, then good lord, I can see why he has no issues getting naked.  While I’m liberal and I can handle almost anything you throw at me, this was something I was no prepared for.  I can’t even call this a film.  There is no plot, no character development, no conflict…how the hell did this become so popular?

            Oh yes, that’s right.  Man candy.

            I’ve made my feelings known about Channing Tatum.  I don’t like him, I don’t find him attractive and I don’t think he’s a good actor honestly.  The weird thing is, about halfway into “Magic Mike”, I felt like the story wasn’t even about him anymore.  It switches to being more about Adam, Mike’s protégée of sorts, played by Alex Pettyfer.   Admittedly, I don’t like Pettyfer either.  In fact, I don’t like most of the people in this film.  Which then makes you wonder, why would I see this movie if I had zero interest in it?

            To which I respond: the same reason I read that literary waste “50 Shades of Grey”.  I wanted to know what the big deal was.  I won’t get started on “50 Shades” because honestly…I’m writing something on that for later.  Plus, it’s an abomination.  It’s absolutely horrible.  People, it’s a thinly veiled version of “Twilight”!  It’s “Twilight” porn!

            *takes a deep breath*

            Anyway, I waited for Magic Mike to lose some of its steam before going to see it because I didn’t want to deal with the huge crowds.  Even then, I still regret seeing it.  Other than the fact that it’s disorganized, unfocused, unclear and was just bland as a bowl of plain oatmeal, it was offensive.  I had to look away several times because that kind of content should be reserved for late night Cinemax on the weekends.  For instance, towards the beginning, Mike is talking to someone on the right side of the screen.  On the left side of the screen is a penis.  Yes, a penis.  It’s in a pump, being pumped and it’s in the foreground so it’s impossible to miss.  However, I did.  I was watching the actors talk and Fry pointed it out to me.

            But come on!  This film is already rated R and this scene alone should have pushed it to NC-17.  I’ve watched Michael Fassbender’s NC-17 film “Shame” and it wasn’t as graphic as this.  I actually enjoyed “Shame” because it had a solid plot, conflict and character development.  “Magic Mike”…when the movie ended and the credits began, I actually said, in a my normal speaking voice, “WTF is this shit?”

            (I do apologize for my foul language.  Trust me, the movie was worse.)

            So, as if seeing multiple penises wasn’t bad enough, there’s so much more going on.  There’s drinking all the time, people taking ecstasy throughout, and on my good lord, who uses the F-word THAT much in real life?  Ok, I can think of one person, but for most normal people, no one needs to drop that many F-bombs!  I swear every sentence from every person in that film had to say fuck.  (Again, apologies, but seriously, in the first five minutes, I lost count of how many times that was said.)

            Now, let’s talk about the male strippers, who rarely ever show up.  Yes, for a film about male stripping, there was a surprising lack of male stripping.  I’ve already mentioned Tatum and Pettyfer, who are the main focus, but there are a few more.  Joe Manganiello of True Blood fame plays “Big Dick Richie” and that penis I mentioned earlier…it’s implied that it’s his.  We also have Ken, played by Matt Bomer.  Who is Matt Bomer?  I honestly have never heard of this guy.  There’s also Tito, who had almost nothing to do with anything.

            Then we come to the biggest surprise and disappointment of the film.  Kevin Nash plays Tarzan.  I’ll admit, I’m a fan of professional wrestling.  Nash was a huge star in WCW, TNA and even in WWE.  In “Magic Mike” it was painfully obvious that he was only doing this for a paycheck.  His choreography was pathetic and he didn’t have many lines.  Someone younger, more attractive and more into the role should have been cast instead of Kevin Nash.

            I hated this movie.  I don’t think I have ever hated a film so much that I wish I had a TARDIS so I could go back in time and stop myself from seeing it.  It’s so bad that it’s currently winning for worst movie of the year.  Yes, “The Devil Inside” was better than “Magic Mike”. 

            After seeing this film, I could not even say a sentence.  I was broken.  I could not think straight.  Poor Kit Kat had to listen to a fifteen minute rant of me, babbling incoherently about how bad this movie was.  I summed it up to her as: Boring, penis, stripping, boring, boring, boring, boring. PENIS, boring, sex, boring, stripping, drugs, boring, boring, boring, boring, drinking, drugs, BABY PIG, boring, boring, stripping, boring, boring, boring, done.  I literally could not think of a better way to sum up that movie.  It was horrible, had awful characters and it was left so open that it was as disappointing as the stripping scenes.  Tatum’s character has goals in life and he tries to achieve them, but no…those goals become big lipped alligator moments.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s when something is brought up once, has no play in the overall plot and never mentioned again.

            This movie was solely made the hot men in it and marketed solely towards women.  It’s disgusting.

            Do us all a favor and skip “Magic Mike”.  Go to a real strip club if you  want to see men taking their clothes off for money.  I hated it with a passion.  I’ve never been so ashamed to admit seeing a movie and I saw the Hannah Montana film.  

            This movie is so bad, I don’t even have a rating for it.  It’s nothing but shameless nudity and penises.  It’s offensive when it’s not boring and absolute crap. 

            Also, they are considering a sequel to this film.  Do us all a favor and do not make the sequel.  Spare us.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I hope my next film is better.