**This review will
contain strong language, sexual content and Channing Tatum. You have been warned.**
Greetings and
salutation, dear reader. I am the chick
of the cinema, better known as TheCinemaChick. I know I haven’t quite gotten back into the
swing of things like I said I would, but you know, things happen in my real
life. I’m still plowing through that
algebra course, I’ve got things going on, people to cheer up (which apparently,
is a one way street. So…I spent two days
helping someone out and he couldn’t do the same for me. Thanks a lot) and of course…I met a boy. I don’t want to jinx it because I really like
him so let’s move on to the film I am so ashamed to admit I paid to see.
In 2011,
Bridesmaids broke me.
In 2012,
Magic Mike broke my brain.
Yeah…I
finally broke down and went to see Magic Mike, the film Channing Tatum called “semi-autobiographical”.
If that’s really what his life has been
like, then good lord, I can see why he has no issues getting naked. While I’m liberal and I can handle almost
anything you throw at me, this was something I was no prepared for. I can’t even call this a film. There is no plot, no character development,
no conflict…how the hell did this become so popular?
Oh yes,
that’s right. Man candy.
I’ve made
my feelings known about Channing Tatum. I don’t like him, I don’t find him attractive
and I don’t think he’s a good actor honestly. The weird thing is, about halfway into “Magic
Mike”, I felt like the story wasn’t even about him anymore. It switches to being more about Adam, Mike’s protégée
of sorts, played by Alex Pettyfer. Admittedly,
I don’t like Pettyfer either. In fact, I
don’t like most of the people in this film. Which then makes you wonder, why would I see
this movie if I had zero interest in it?
To which I
respond: the same reason I read that literary waste “50 Shades of Grey”. I wanted to know what the big deal was. I won’t get started on “50 Shades” because honestly…I’m
writing something on that for later. Plus,
it’s an abomination. It’s absolutely
horrible. People, it’s a thinly veiled
version of “Twilight”! It’s “Twilight”
porn!
*takes a
deep breath*
Anyway, I
waited for Magic Mike to lose some of its steam before going to see it because
I didn’t want to deal with the huge crowds. Even then, I still regret seeing it. Other than the fact that it’s disorganized,
unfocused, unclear and was just bland as a bowl of plain oatmeal, it was
offensive. I had to look away several
times because that kind of content should be reserved for late night Cinemax on
the weekends. For instance, towards the
beginning, Mike is talking to someone on the right side of the screen. On the left side of the screen is a penis. Yes, a penis. It’s in a pump, being pumped and it’s in the
foreground so it’s impossible to miss. However,
I did. I was watching the actors talk
and Fry pointed it out to me.
But come
on! This film is already rated R and
this scene alone should have pushed it to NC-17. I’ve watched Michael Fassbender’s NC-17 film “Shame”
and it wasn’t as graphic as this. I
actually enjoyed “Shame” because it had a solid plot, conflict and character
development. “Magic Mike”…when the movie
ended and the credits began, I actually said, in a my normal speaking voice, “WTF
is this shit?”
(I do
apologize for my foul language. Trust
me, the movie was worse.)
So, as if
seeing multiple penises wasn’t bad enough, there’s so much more going on. There’s drinking all the time, people taking
ecstasy throughout, and on my good lord, who uses the F-word THAT much in real
life? Ok, I can think of one person, but
for most normal people, no one needs to drop that many F-bombs! I swear every sentence from every person in
that film had to say fuck. (Again, apologies,
but seriously, in the first five minutes, I lost count of how many times that
was said.)
Now, let’s
talk about the male strippers, who rarely ever show up. Yes, for a film about male stripping, there
was a surprising lack of male stripping. I’ve already mentioned Tatum and Pettyfer, who
are the main focus, but there are a few more. Joe Manganiello of True Blood fame plays “Big
Dick Richie” and that penis I mentioned earlier…it’s implied that it’s his. We also have Ken, played by Matt Bomer. Who is Matt Bomer? I honestly have never heard of this guy. There’s also Tito, who had almost nothing to
do with anything.
Then we
come to the biggest surprise and disappointment of the film. Kevin Nash plays Tarzan. I’ll admit, I’m a fan of professional
wrestling. Nash was a huge star in WCW,
TNA and even in WWE. In “Magic Mike” it
was painfully obvious that he was only doing this for a paycheck. His choreography was pathetic and he didn’t
have many lines. Someone younger, more
attractive and more into the role should have been cast instead of Kevin Nash.
I hated
this movie. I don’t think I have ever
hated a film so much that I wish I had a TARDIS so I could go back in time and
stop myself from seeing it. It’s so bad
that it’s currently winning for worst movie of the year. Yes, “The Devil Inside” was better than “Magic
Mike”.
After
seeing this film, I could not even say a sentence. I was broken.
I could not think straight. Poor
Kit Kat had to listen to a fifteen minute rant of me, babbling incoherently
about how bad this movie was. I summed
it up to her as: Boring, penis, stripping, boring, boring, boring, boring.
PENIS, boring, sex, boring, stripping, drugs, boring, boring, boring, boring,
drinking, drugs, BABY PIG, boring, boring, stripping, boring, boring, boring,
done. I literally could not think of a
better way to sum up that movie. It was
horrible, had awful characters and it was left so open that it was as
disappointing as the stripping scenes. Tatum’s
character has goals in life and he tries to achieve them, but no…those goals
become big lipped alligator moments. For
those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s when something is brought up
once, has no play in the overall plot and never mentioned again.
This movie
was solely made the hot men in it and marketed solely towards women. It’s disgusting.
Do us all a
favor and skip “Magic Mike”. Go to a
real strip club if you want to see men
taking their clothes off for money. I
hated it with a passion. I’ve never been
so ashamed to admit seeing a movie and I saw the Hannah Montana film.
This movie
is so bad, I don’t even have a rating for it.
It’s nothing but shameless nudity and penises. It’s offensive when it’s not boring and
absolute crap.
Also, they
are considering a sequel to this film. Do
us all a favor and do not make the sequel. Spare us.
I’m
TheCinemaChick and I hope my next film is better.
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