How to Survive a Horror Film

            Hey everyone out there, I’m TheCinemaChick and I haven’t been very active again. I’m proud to announce I have a beautiful new niece, named Alexis, who is about two weeks old.  I’ve also started a relationship with a wonderful man, so that’s been taking up a lot of time.  Ah, you’re not here to listen to me drone on and on about my personal life.  You’re here because you think I have a movie to review.

            Well, I don’t.

            However, I have something just as good, if not better.  October is right around the corner, meaning tons of scary movies will be coming out.  Yet, every time I watch a horror film, I can’t help but wonder, “Is that character a complete moron?”  It’s so obvious that certain people are going to die that it’s just predictable and stale.  But, for those of you who aren’t as disillusioned as me, you might be asking, “Hey CinemaChick, if I ever end up in a horror film, what can I do to survive?”

            I’m glad you asked dear reader.  Kit Kat, my dear, long lost, freakishly alike twin sister and I have the answer to your query.  So turn on the lights, lock the doors and don’t scream as we venture into the world of horror.

            Hey guys, Kit Kat here. While I’m usually only around for Bad Movie Bonanza, I thought it was about time to do a little public service. Now while many of you think you might know how to survive in a horror movie, there might be some things you haven’t thought of that could mean the difference living through the night or becoming the next funeral in your town.

            Let’s start off with the most obvious thing: location.  Seriously, if you buy an old, spooky looking house, it’s going to be haunted.  If you live hear a forest, there’s probably an escaped lunatic out to kill you.  And of course, if you live deep in the country, there’s probably an inbred hillbilly family waiting to kidnap and torture you.  So, yeah, think about your real estate choices here folks.

            Another thing to look at when you are choosing your location, your neighbors. Hey the house might not be haunted or in the middle of nowhere, but in even in the middle of suburbia one has to make sure their neighbors aren’t psychos or stalkers. If they qualify in either of those categories consider a different location and don’t give them the key to your home.

            Good point.  Does your neighbor have any strange quirks that you may have noticed?  Do they only go out at night?  Are strange people coming and going?  Do they sacrifice small animals?  It is possible that your neighbor is possessed.  You never know what to expect from your neighbors.  If they’ve been released from prison recently, avoid that area.  Seriously, research your potential home thoroughly or you might end up caged in some dude’s basement or slaughtered by demons.

            Okay now, let’s say that you’ve found your home. It’s not haunted, rituals weren’t performed there, it’s not in a backwoods area and the neighbors are sane logical people. Now, no one can predict if there’s going to be a psycho at your school or office. But once they’ve set their eyes on you there are certain things you can do to avoid being easy pickings. One of the key things is: Sex. Don’t do it. While this may seem a bit harsh this just might save your life.

            Let’s face it, people like sex.  They never see it as something that could potentially get them killed.  However, you are your most vulnerable when you’re doing the horizontal mambo.  You’re focused on the other person, you’re thinking about lust and you’re probably buck ass nude.  If the killer, demon, psychopath, etc., shows up, what’s the first thing you’ll probably do?  Grab something and try to be modest.  Face it, the killer doesn’t care if they see your junk or not!  Plus you have to untangle bodies so it just gets complicated.  In the off chance you’re in a horror flick, suppress the urge.  Do you want to live or do you want to die during sex?

            Also, here’s some food for thought. If you think you’re the “player” and pulls a one night stand on a chic and then you “suddenly” have a stalker. Coincidence? I think not. Don’t be a player or a dick. Because if you tend to think with that organ it just might get you killed first or saved for the last and most brutal killing.

            That’s right guys.  Chicks can be psychopath murderers as well.  And trust me, we may look all sweet and innocent, but we can be just as twisted, demented and sick as anyone else.  Which, leads me to the next topic.  Stereotypes.  Every scary movie has them and with them you know who will die and who will live.  Case in point, the “player” is most likely to die by an amputation, to help him learn a lesson…if you catch my drift.

            Also, the female of this species known as the “slut” also tends to die. This is where being a virgin usually pays off in the end. If you are in a group of people and you are lucky enough to have a couple of “nerds” or “geeks” then count yourself lucky. Listen to what those brainacs have to say. More often than not they will have a solution to your problem because they studied history or arcane and ancient magic.

            I would now like to use myself as an example.  I am definitely a nerd, but I know a LOT about the supernatural and occult.  I know how to ward off demons, ghosts, vampires and I know a thing or two about battling haunted houses.  Therefore, in a horror movie, I become the most useful person there.  The Doctor (you know, from the most awesome show ever, Doctor Who) says books are the most valuable weapon in the entire universe.  Arm yourself with knowledge!

            Now, while we are talking about stereotypes, I think it’s also time to discuss clothing. Some might ask how clothing will make any difference in a life or death situation. My first point would be to all the girly girls out there. We all know the in horror movies running is something that’s going to happen. Now, if you are looking to die an early death pull on those high heels and break an ankle trying to run around. Congrats, you’re dead.

            Here’s a clothing tip for the men.  You know how you like to wear your jeans with the waistband sitting under your butt?  If you’re being chased. those pants are going to fall down and trip you.  If your lucky enough to rip them off and survive, I sure hope you are wearing something underneath.  This is will one of the rare times those men in skinny jeans have something that you don’t and that’s a chance to live.

            This is one time were you need to take fashion tips from a jock. Lace up those sneakers, opt for basketball shorts or some kind of pants instead of short shorts or a skirt and please ladies, don’t wear skimpy tops. Cover up. At the very least if your shirt gets ripped from your body during a chase then you can run around without trying to cover yourself at the same time.

            Now, if you can keep your legs shut, your wits sharp and snag a not haunted house, there’s something else you need to do.  If you think there might be a chance there is a ghost in your home or that your friend is possibly possessed by a demon, do not provoke it.  Don’t ever piss off the supernatural creature.  Those things have powers that we mortals can only dream of.  With that in mind, don’t have a séance or play with a Ouija board because you never know what you’ll set loose.

            You also have to beware of the possibility that if you renovate your home that you will stir something up. Whether it’s just the renovation or you find an ancient Indian burial ground. You MUST treat it with respect. Call in an expert to help you move the remains or have them documented. If you renovation starts up a haunting because you didn’t do your research don’t just assume you can ignore it. Seek help IMMEADIATELY. You might think that just moving will help this. In some cases it might. But in other cases the entity could leech onto you and follow you wherever you go.

            If you do call in the experts and the expert runs off scared, you should get the hell out of there.  Get your bags packed and leave immediately.  That means the demon is too powerful for anyone to calm down or destroy.  Trust me, some demons and spirits are good and willing to help, but there are some whose sole purpose is to kill or destroy.  Some of them want a body to claim so they can walk amongst us.  

            Now, if you decide not to run, if you are trapped at this location, or you think you might have a haunting/stalker that will bring us to the next topic: Noises. While this seems like a broad category, it is one to take under SERIOUS consideration. Noises in a house you might even think are haunted need to be taken as an ominous sign. Unless the house is just that old and creaky, which we have all ready told you to avoid, then don’t EVER assume it’s the wind, the house settling, or one of your friends or family.

            Also, if you ever hear a strange voice, do NOT try to locate it.  Don’t follow it because that’s like asking to die.  Also, if you respond to the voice, congratulations, you’re now a target.  The less noise you make, the better your chances of survival are.  And if you’re pretty sure a killer’s in your house, don’t shout out, “Hello?”  What’s the killer going to do, respond saying, “Just a second, I had to use the bathroom!  Let me just wash my hands, then I’ll slit your throat!”

            A very good point. The point of any killer/stalker situation is to survive. Don’t make yourself a target and don’t corner yourself. Hiding under the bed or in a closet might seem like a wonderful idea when you start hearing noises in the house. Why not? Out of sight, you’re not making a sound. Perfect right? Not necessarily. If you are alone in the house then all you’ve done is corner yourself and all the killer has to do is open the door and stab you now that you have nowhere to run to.

            I’d like to add something at this point.  You’d think this is all common knowledge, but watch a horror film.  They all break these rules.  I know movies are not real, but you never know when a demon will be unleashed in your house and you need to haul ass.  Trust us, we know how to make sure you get out alive.

            Cinema Chick is right. I’ve been touched a time or two by a ghost or rather something I couldn’t see. And speaking of hauling ass. You’ll find it’s much easier and more effective to not look back at who or what is chasing you. While in the movies this provides some great shots of a character being scared it also provides something else. The chance to trip over something in front of you. This could be a log out in the forest, the corpse of one of your friends or your own feet.

            And if you’re not exactly that far away from the location, what makes you think they won’t be behind you?  The thing chasing you can’t teleport.  Always look forward and make sure to be aware of your surroundings.  There could be corpses, zombies popping out of shallow graves or hell, some trees might grab you.  Now this brings me to our final point: weapons.  Always remain armed with whatever you can get your hands on.  That way, if you trip, you can at least defend yourself.

            The type of weapon you choose to arm yourself with needs to change with the situation you find yourself in. While a firearm might seem like a weapon for all occasions, you can’t harm a poltergeist with a gun or a vampire for that matter unless you are one of the few who prepare for things like that. Guns are good for zombies and human stalkers or killers. As quoted in Zombieland, don’t get clingy with your bullets. If a zombie or human is a threat to your life a second bullet isn’t wasteful but necessary for survival.

            If you’re up against something from the occult, always, always, always have salt on hand.  It sounds like a silly thing to have, but salt repels evil.  Nothing evil can cross that, so have some on hand.  If not, burn some sage to ward off an unfriendly ghost.  Silver protects against werewolves and a blessed cross will help you when you face a vampire.  Now, if you’re like me, you don’t have access to a gun.  Instead, raid the kitchen.  Get knives, forks, cleavers, ice picks, anything you can.  A baseball bat can also come in handy, as well as a golf clubs.

            Now, some of you might be squirming about using weapons of any kind. Well, get over it. This is a life or death situation. If someone in your group refuses to kill with whatever weapon you give them, then show them the door because they are more likely to get you killed because while you might fight to protect them they will just a surely run away to protect themselves when you need help most.

            So keep our suggestions in mind.  Once again, you never know when a psychopath will break into your house and try to kill you.  Hell, this might come in handy if you’re in a dark ally with a mugger.  Use your surroundings to your advantage.  If there’s an empty bottle, smash it.  A shard of glass will help.  If you have a bunch of keys, slide a key between each finger.  It’s like brass knuckles, only pointier.  Ladies, if all else fails, use your sex appeal.  Lure them in, do the unexpected and run like hell.

            Just to recap on our tips for surviving a horror movie. 1: Location, Location, Location; 2: No sex; 3: Stereotypes can be killers; 4: Choose clothing wisely; 5: Don’t piss off the supernatural; 6: Beware of noises; 7: NEVER look back while running; and 8: Choose a weapon wisely. While nothing is fool proof, these eight tips give you a better fighting chance than having none at all. Sometimes it’s just about making it till dawn and if you follow this tips and rules then you might live to see another day.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I’m saying, if things start going south, I’m fighting until the end and going down swinging.

            And I’m Kit Kat and you can count on me to fight to the bitter end without a second thought.