Did you miss me?
Hello everyone, I’m the girl who
really shouldn’t be so absent on her own movie blog, TheCinemaChick and I’m
finally ready for my annual list of Best and Worst. Have you been wondering where I’ve been? I’ve been gone for a while now.
Disappointment.
I have not seen any decent films in
so long that I began to think 2014 had nothing left to offer, so I just gave
up. Why write about consistently
terrible films that were a waste of time and money? I hated everything but I didn’t want to just
write about how much a movie sucked. I
needed something positive, something refreshing to write about. Seriously, I did not find something decent
until about two weeks ago when I saw “Big Hero 6”. I have not reviewed that and I do sincerely
apologize for that. For the past two
weeks I have been sleeping about 18 hours a day due to a very severe cold that
left me feeling really out of it. I
still have a touch of it, but I no longer need so much sleep or medication.
So, in short, hello sweetie.
Now…are you ready for the fourteen
worst films of the year (in my opinion)?
And I know what you’re thinking, “Fourteen? Did she really manage to come up with that
many films that she hated?”
Yes. Believe it or not, there are actually more
than that but since its 2014, I decided not to exceed fourteen. In all fairness, I do have a list of the best
of the year coming next week. Why next
week you ask? Because I’ve added a film
the to the “best of” list and I have yet to see it. Like most nerds out there, I’m am internally
fangirling over the upcoming “The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies”. Since I have enjoyed all of them so far, I
already put it on my list. I do plan to
see it as soon as it comes out, so it’ll only be about a week between lists.
Also, speaking of list, I have
decided to do a theater review as well.
There are a couple of theaters I tend to lurk in, so I want to do a
rating system for them. While I do seem
to haunt only one recently, it’s not my favorite. I don’t even know if theaters even care about
what bloggers like me have to say about them, but I’d like to let them know
they are doing a good/bad job. Trust me,
I have been to the absolutely worst. At
one theater, I slipped in butter in front of the snack counter and all I got
was a “We’re sorry”. Don’t say you’re
sorry, clean it up and put out a “Wet Floor” sign!
And I’m off track. You know I tend to do that. I actually paused for about five minutes
because I saw what I thought would be the perfect gift for DigitalDad. That’s three people taken care of, like ten
more to go.
But now, on to the worst movies of
the year, in no particular order!
1.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones
I honestly don’t know why I keep going to this franchise. Part of me wants to know how it’s all
connected and see how it ends. I know it’s
going to be awful. This one wasn’t just
bad, it was borderline offensive. There
were some Mexican stereotypes mixed in there that just didn’t sit well with
me. The characters were incredibly stupid
and Fry and I were yelling at the screen the whole time. We were also the only ones in the theater, so
we could. I hated it, except for the
ending, where it tied everything back to the first film. Definitely wasn’t the best movie to choose
for my birthday.
2.
Pompeii
This one was so awful, I actually had forgotten that I had seen it. It was forgettable. The acting was bad, the plot was paper thin
and then it just such a weird turn that it didn’t even make sense. I could not believe the chemistry between the
two main characters because it felt so forced.
Then again, she supposedly fell in love with him when he killed a horse
out of mercy. I may be wrong, but I’m
pretty sure that’s not how you woo a girl in ancient Greece. On the bright side, Kit Harington was pretty
to look at.
3.
The Muppets Most Wanted
I wanted to like this one, I really did.
I love The Muppets. They’ve been
a part of my life since I was a kid, so when they came back, I was elated. This film however, it just felt like it was
insulting my intelligence. Everything
was so obvious, the comedy wasn’t even that great and the songs disappointed
me, except for one. The cameos weren’t
as good in this one either. I admit, I
was really looking forward to seeing Tom Hiddleston in there, but he was on
screen for about a minute total. Josh
Groban also had a part in there and to this day, I want to know what made him
the most dangerous criminal in that prison.
Why, of all people, was he the one in solitary confinement? Overall, just meh.
4.
Divergent
First off, this was not marketed to my age group. This was obviously made for teen girls. There was a lot of pretty boys to look at and
the ever present strong female lead. I
get that we want more positive role models out there for young girls, but I don’t
think Tris is the one. She’s pathetic
until the eleventh hour when she has to step up and do something. The romance between her and Four is over
emphasized. I actually read the book
before seeing the movie and the book was decent. However, when they really poured the
relationship aspect on heavily, I couldn’t take it seriously. Plus, come on…the post-apocalyptic world,
corrupt leaders, young people rebelling, strong teen female leader…we get
it. Move on.
The sequel, “Insurgent” comes out in 2015.
5.
Oculus
Someone explain this one to me. I
was so bored then it would be a flashback, then present time, then back in the
past. It never explained what the mirror
did or how the mirror was demonic.
Nothing was explained, so I couldn’t follow the story. Props to Karen Gillan on her first post “Doctor
Who” film but it bombed. Thankfully,
this lovely actress will pop up again on my “best of” list.
6.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
Once again, not sure why I thought this would be good. It dragged on for so long and I wanted those
freaking Dinobots to show up and they never did! They didn’t show up until the last half hour
and at that point, I didn’t care anymore.
This was another “Michael Bay presents a Michael Bay film with all the
Michael Bay explosions that Michael Bay likes in all his movies because Michael
Bay” thing. Is there an upside? Uh…well, apparently you can smack around a
Dinobot and it’ll obey like a well-trained dog.
7.
Jersey Boys
I didn’t hate this one. I actually
liked it. However, I can’t get past how
much cursing there was in this film.
That’s what got to me. The music
and story were good but geez, do you really need THAT much language? I could understand it if it were and R rated
action flick, but a musical biography?
It was just unnecessary.
8.
The Purge: Anarchy
The first movie was good. The
Polite Leader was super creepy with his smile.
The sequel didn’t go as well.
There were no likeable characters and they tried to do too much in the
time they had. The intertwining stories
just didn’t work. And then it just jerks
you into a completely different scenario which made even less sense. No one had any redeeming qualities. After the movie, Butterfly and I were talking
and we agreed that this would make an awesome MMORPG, an online roleplaying
game. I would play a survival game based
on this movie but I would not recommend the movie itself.
9.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I grew up with the live action movies and this one was a
disappointment. It did nothing for me
and I didn’t find it fun. Megan Fox
added a very flat performance and the plot didn’t even resolve itself at the
end. Too many threads were left open so
it just left me feeling underwhelmed.
Let’s see…a positive…uh…Michael Bay was involved and he didn’t royally
screw this one up.
10.
Into The Storm
Oh Richard Armitage…you can do so much better than this. This was a lackluster, uninspired movie about
a mega storm. I was bored out of my mind
for the duration of it and couldn’t have cared less if anyone lived. It needed sharks with their tornados.
11.
Let’s Be Cops
What movie are you trying to be?
Are you a buddy cop movie? A
stoner flick? An undercover spy
film? Seriously, what are you? Pick a genre or two and stick to that because
otherwise you get a confused jumble of a movie.
I hated it and wish I’d never seen it.
Skip this one entirely and go rent “Police Academy”.
12.
As Above So Below
Can we just all agree that the found footage movement should just die
out? It’s just another weird paranormal
movie taking place in the catacombs of France.
There were elements that I like, showing the tombs below the streets and
building the tension. However, it also
opened possible side stories that showed up and almost immediately
vanished. It never really explained why
the characters were killed off and I don’t really understand how going that
deep into the catacombs led them back to the streets of Paris. Honestly, I could have been cool with the
ending if they had hinted that the survivors had somehow ended up in an
alternate universe. Like, it was Paris,
just an evil version or a backwards version.
Instead, they just ended up in the normal world and it ended. More or less, just disappointing and
uninteresting. It had potential to be
better.
13.
Annabelle
And here we have the spinoff from the popular movie “The Conjuring”. It had moments where the tension almost had
me going but it became highly predictable.
Fry and I were literally sitting in our seats saying what would happen
next. We lost interest in it
entirely. I would like to see the cult
they mentioned in the beginning and how it led to the one girl wanting the
Annabelle doll. To be honest, haunted or
not, that doll is freaky looking. Fun
fact, I got to touch the actual doll when it was at Fan Days this past October. As far as the movie goes, I want to know why
the doll is haunted, what is haunting it, why is chose the doll and what it has
to do with the cult. Beyond that,
blah. Just plain blah.
14.
Ouija
This movie was seriously horror movie cliché central. It was like a checklist of tropes. Group of teen friends playing with cursed
object with one friend feeling apprehensive, check. Methodical death by slowly picking off teens
one by one, check. Best friend trying to
save everyone, check. Wise older woman,
usually of some kind of ethnic background, check.
I couldn’t stand this one. It went
in one direction then decided “Eh, let’s do something else and see if this
makes people jump.” It didn’t really do
anything for me. Defeating the curse
just seemed too easy and the twist was obvious.
Also, why is the wise woman always of some ethnic origin? In “Annabelle”, the wise older woman was
African American. In “Ouija”, she’s the
Mexican grandmother.
Is it so hard to find a fresh, interesting take on a horror movie? I would love something that’s not predicable
or filled with the same old clichés.
Give me something new and exciting.
Is that so much to ask?
I hope 2015 has something better to offer. Actually, I know it will. We’ve got new “Avengers” to look forward to,
along with “Pitch Perfect”, “Mad Max” and so much more. As for 2014, this was a year of mediocrity
and failures. The ones that did succeed
were phenomenal but the ones that bombed, well, they bombed hard.
I’m TheCinemaChick and right now, I’m under my invisibility
cloak.
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