I worship a material god,
a deity I cannot please
though I am a faithful pilgrim.
I cling to the doctrine that I must worship
at an altar of regret, just so I may hear a few sweet
but stinging words that remind me of my worthlessness.
Though I yearn to break the bindings, forcing me
to stay in the comfort of my panic,
I remain in my misery because it is all I know.
My scripture comes in the form of pamphlets,
facts and information and side effects and warnings
because I must ingest gallons of holy water every day so I don't get poisoned
but also this pill may cause your suicidal thoughts to worsen
and maybe destroy your vision, but you'll be fine!
The Good Word tells me this will boost my serotonin,
it will also create more chemicals in my brain which will level me out
so it'll be like I never had borderline personality disorder at all, such a miracle!
Until all I know is blind faith, grasping for an answer I will never have
yet if I believe hard enough, I might have some relief from the demons in my head,
while also appearing normal, happy and smiling.
I remain devout, not question the sanctity of the doctors I come to trust
but following their medical sermons as if they are the bread I need to live.
The pill stop working
and I am left in a void of confusion and chaos, unsure of what to believe anymore
those medications were all I knew, they were my everything, how can I live without them, what will become of me?
Now I see what I've become.
No longer can I live off these precious gems.
With my eyes open, I leave the Church of Antipsychotics,
breaking the chain of my addiction
and discovering peace.
Hey guys, it's Cora! I know, still not a movie review, I fail to live up to the moniker I chose for myself, right? The thing about that...I'm also a writer. Poetry was my specialty and lately, I was inspired to write about my addiction to medication. I was on anti depressants and other psychiatric drugs for about 15 years and I honestly thought I needed them. I took them and loved how I felt, but I also felt bad. I began to hate relying on pills, to schedule my days around when I had to take what. I made the decision to stop taking all of my medicine. For a while, I was bad. I discussed it with my friend Shadow and...I regret who I was. I don't recognize that person now.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still flawed and I have bad days like everyone else. But being off all of those pills has made me infinitely happier. Maybe it's not the best decision for everyone, yet I feel like it was in my best interest to face my mental illness head on.
I'm not cured. I never will be. I fight it every single day and so far, I'm winning against my depression and anxiety.
I'm proud of who I am today.
And if Shadow could hear me say those words, well...I can imagine the smile on his face.
Sunday, July 14, 2019
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Can We Talk About It -- Struggling
Hey guys, I'm a little behind on my reviews right now but I need to address something and it's kind of a serious topic. So today, I am not coming to you as TheCinemaChick, the girl who's obsessed with film. Today, I am merely Cora Valentine, the girl behind the cinephile persona.
I'm going to get a bit personal today, so if you're not into a personal blog, that's fine, you can skip this one and wait until I finish the Annabelle Comes Home blog. I won't be offended. You see, I rarely talk about my personal life, because as I've said before, I prefer a degree of anonymity in my life. I enjoy separating my film critic self from my normal life. It helps me keep a balance. With that said, let's talk about something that happened to me yesterday, that I'm still in disbelief about.
For those who know me, truly know me, I don't ask for help. I was raised to believe that if you're struggling, it's your own fault and you have no choice but to save yourself. This has been my case for several months. I'm not in the best place, I won't lie. Yes, I work and see movies and visit friends when I can, but money is always extremely tight. I have not been able to guy groceries for a long time simply because I couldn't afford to do so. And when I did have some money, I would buy dog food because Hammy has to eat. I mean, I would eat at work, so I wasn't starving myself. At least, not all the time.
I also normally don't talk about my struggles because they're mine to deal with, not yours. So, last night, I was in a stream. A stream is when someone plays a video game and you watch, interacting with the player and a chat. I'm not saying I'm prominent in the streaming community, but people know who I am. I'm a moderator for three people, all of which I consider friends. In one particular stream, my friend Shadow, I admit that I haven't been eating and I've been scraping my money together to get food for my dog.
Geez...I'm going to start crying again...
Immediately, I had people asking if they could help. At least half a dozen people offered money or food or encouraging words. I declined all of them. As I said, I was told accepting help means you're weak or a failure. It's been drilled in my head for as long as I can remember. Taking donations or stuff means you can't support yourself. While I did desperately need the help, my pride wouldn't allow me to take any assistance. So, another person in chat said, "Hey, I'm going to help. I'm making a donation for you."
I'm not going to use their name or say how much they gave. That's private information really. Plus, I don't use names in here unless I have permission from that person. In this case, I don't know them. They did this out of the kindness of their heart. I got up and left the stream for a few moments because I'm human and needed to use my bathroom. I was gone for maybe five minutes since I figured I'd switch my laundry over as well. When I got back, everyone in the chat was calling my name. My phone was ringing and I was clueless. I had no idea that my world was about to change in the best way possible.
While I was up, the person made the donation and Shadow called me to let me know that he was sending the money my way. I cried several times as I am crying now. I have never seen such an amazing display of generosity. Words fail me as I try to talk about this. I am absolutely floored by this person's act of kindness. Thanks to this person, to Shadow's community, to the people I can proudly call my family...I am able to relax today. I do not have to worry about how I am putting gas in my tank tomorrow.
I am beyond thankful. I cannot express my gratitude enough. It makes me ashamed that I felt like I had to hide my life from the people I love. I have not been able to be open with them, as they have been with me. It also showed me that it's okay for me to say, "Hey, I'm struggling and I need help". Whether it's a few dollars or a kind word, asking for help is nothing something you should be ashamed of. Everyone has problems, everyone needs help, so there shouldn't be that negative stigma attached to it. I'm just now understanding and accepting that I cannot make it through life on my own.
This is the lesson I want everyone to learn before it's too late. I've caused myself so much stress and grief because of my stubbornness.
Please, don't go through the bad things alone. Find your family, learn to trust and swallow your pride. Struggling doesn't mean you've failed. It simply means you're doing your best and maybe, things aren't going right. It could be a bad day, a bad week or just a period of time when you're down on your luck. Don't be like me. Don't be too proud to talk to someone.
I can recall a time in high school, back in 2003, when I should have spoken up and didn't. My home life wasn't great. My parents fought constantly and I was suffering from severe depression. I was suicidal and had attempted to kill myself at least three times before I had turned eighteen. Instead of talking to a teacher or counselor about it, I kept it all inside. Right before I graduated, I spoke to one person about it, the teacher I talk about often in my blogs, Mrs. Whiteside. When she heard about my parents divorce and me having to move so quickly, she asked why I didn't tell anyone. I didn't think it mattered to anyone so it just never came up. Mrs. Whiteside sympathized with me in a time when I felt alone, scared and sadly, accustomed to suffering in silence.
You don't have to go through everything alone. I don't care what's going on in your life, ignore the fears and doubts you have and reach out to someone. If I had taken my own advice, I wouldn't have been forced into a mental hospital after my last suicide attempt in 2014. I could have saved myself several sleepless nights because I was up late crying about money or suffering from a bout of depression. So many panic attacks could have been avoided if I'd just stopped and said, "I'm not okay, please help me."
I also want to take this time to directly address my Shadow family. Yes, MY Shadow FAMILY. You guys know who you are. You heard me say what's going on in my life. You guys all know my struggles. There's still more I haven't told you, but I can never thank you all enough for the support and kindness you've shown me. Without you, I would be in a much worse place. I feel I have people I can trust, who won't judge me, who will honestly offer me the encouragement I need. I wish I could be a fraction of the people you are. My family. My friends. My support system. I love you all. Thank you for being there for me, for being my shoulder to cry on, for talking to me when I feel like I can't go on. To the person who donated to me...I am touched by your generosity. To anyone who's given to me, be it financially or emotionally, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I hope that I can one day return the kindness.
I want to do something for all of you to show how much you have all touched my heart. Maybe words aren't enough. I can barely keep my composure as I type this. I have spent the past few hours in disbelief because I didn't think I deserved such a show of kindness. And now, at the age of 34, I am realizing that everything I know is wrong. I do deserve love and kindness. I deserve this amazing family that has accepted me. So Shadow, Pink, Chris, Yuki, Nadina, Cati, Hvy...I know I'm forgetting so many names but I am sobbing like an idiot over here so my brain's a little foggy. I love you all. Thank you...for so much, for everything, for giving me a family, for giving me a home.
I know this post is a hot mess. I'm all over the place today. I genuinely cannot express how much each and every one of you has affected me.
My name is Cora Valentine. I am blessed with good friends, a good doggo and the most incredible family a girl could ever ask for. I have cried twice while writing this because I am so overcome with emotion.
Thank you all. For reading, for sticking with me, for seeing me through the tough times, for celebrating the good with me, for everything. I could not, and cannot do this alone. Thank you, dearest reader, for taking the time to read this.
I love you all,
Cora Valentine.
I'm going to get a bit personal today, so if you're not into a personal blog, that's fine, you can skip this one and wait until I finish the Annabelle Comes Home blog. I won't be offended. You see, I rarely talk about my personal life, because as I've said before, I prefer a degree of anonymity in my life. I enjoy separating my film critic self from my normal life. It helps me keep a balance. With that said, let's talk about something that happened to me yesterday, that I'm still in disbelief about.
For those who know me, truly know me, I don't ask for help. I was raised to believe that if you're struggling, it's your own fault and you have no choice but to save yourself. This has been my case for several months. I'm not in the best place, I won't lie. Yes, I work and see movies and visit friends when I can, but money is always extremely tight. I have not been able to guy groceries for a long time simply because I couldn't afford to do so. And when I did have some money, I would buy dog food because Hammy has to eat. I mean, I would eat at work, so I wasn't starving myself. At least, not all the time.
I also normally don't talk about my struggles because they're mine to deal with, not yours. So, last night, I was in a stream. A stream is when someone plays a video game and you watch, interacting with the player and a chat. I'm not saying I'm prominent in the streaming community, but people know who I am. I'm a moderator for three people, all of which I consider friends. In one particular stream, my friend Shadow, I admit that I haven't been eating and I've been scraping my money together to get food for my dog.
Geez...I'm going to start crying again...
Immediately, I had people asking if they could help. At least half a dozen people offered money or food or encouraging words. I declined all of them. As I said, I was told accepting help means you're weak or a failure. It's been drilled in my head for as long as I can remember. Taking donations or stuff means you can't support yourself. While I did desperately need the help, my pride wouldn't allow me to take any assistance. So, another person in chat said, "Hey, I'm going to help. I'm making a donation for you."
I'm not going to use their name or say how much they gave. That's private information really. Plus, I don't use names in here unless I have permission from that person. In this case, I don't know them. They did this out of the kindness of their heart. I got up and left the stream for a few moments because I'm human and needed to use my bathroom. I was gone for maybe five minutes since I figured I'd switch my laundry over as well. When I got back, everyone in the chat was calling my name. My phone was ringing and I was clueless. I had no idea that my world was about to change in the best way possible.
While I was up, the person made the donation and Shadow called me to let me know that he was sending the money my way. I cried several times as I am crying now. I have never seen such an amazing display of generosity. Words fail me as I try to talk about this. I am absolutely floored by this person's act of kindness. Thanks to this person, to Shadow's community, to the people I can proudly call my family...I am able to relax today. I do not have to worry about how I am putting gas in my tank tomorrow.
I am beyond thankful. I cannot express my gratitude enough. It makes me ashamed that I felt like I had to hide my life from the people I love. I have not been able to be open with them, as they have been with me. It also showed me that it's okay for me to say, "Hey, I'm struggling and I need help". Whether it's a few dollars or a kind word, asking for help is nothing something you should be ashamed of. Everyone has problems, everyone needs help, so there shouldn't be that negative stigma attached to it. I'm just now understanding and accepting that I cannot make it through life on my own.
This is the lesson I want everyone to learn before it's too late. I've caused myself so much stress and grief because of my stubbornness.
Please, don't go through the bad things alone. Find your family, learn to trust and swallow your pride. Struggling doesn't mean you've failed. It simply means you're doing your best and maybe, things aren't going right. It could be a bad day, a bad week or just a period of time when you're down on your luck. Don't be like me. Don't be too proud to talk to someone.
I can recall a time in high school, back in 2003, when I should have spoken up and didn't. My home life wasn't great. My parents fought constantly and I was suffering from severe depression. I was suicidal and had attempted to kill myself at least three times before I had turned eighteen. Instead of talking to a teacher or counselor about it, I kept it all inside. Right before I graduated, I spoke to one person about it, the teacher I talk about often in my blogs, Mrs. Whiteside. When she heard about my parents divorce and me having to move so quickly, she asked why I didn't tell anyone. I didn't think it mattered to anyone so it just never came up. Mrs. Whiteside sympathized with me in a time when I felt alone, scared and sadly, accustomed to suffering in silence.
You don't have to go through everything alone. I don't care what's going on in your life, ignore the fears and doubts you have and reach out to someone. If I had taken my own advice, I wouldn't have been forced into a mental hospital after my last suicide attempt in 2014. I could have saved myself several sleepless nights because I was up late crying about money or suffering from a bout of depression. So many panic attacks could have been avoided if I'd just stopped and said, "I'm not okay, please help me."
I also want to take this time to directly address my Shadow family. Yes, MY Shadow FAMILY. You guys know who you are. You heard me say what's going on in my life. You guys all know my struggles. There's still more I haven't told you, but I can never thank you all enough for the support and kindness you've shown me. Without you, I would be in a much worse place. I feel I have people I can trust, who won't judge me, who will honestly offer me the encouragement I need. I wish I could be a fraction of the people you are. My family. My friends. My support system. I love you all. Thank you for being there for me, for being my shoulder to cry on, for talking to me when I feel like I can't go on. To the person who donated to me...I am touched by your generosity. To anyone who's given to me, be it financially or emotionally, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I hope that I can one day return the kindness.
I want to do something for all of you to show how much you have all touched my heart. Maybe words aren't enough. I can barely keep my composure as I type this. I have spent the past few hours in disbelief because I didn't think I deserved such a show of kindness. And now, at the age of 34, I am realizing that everything I know is wrong. I do deserve love and kindness. I deserve this amazing family that has accepted me. So Shadow, Pink, Chris, Yuki, Nadina, Cati, Hvy...I know I'm forgetting so many names but I am sobbing like an idiot over here so my brain's a little foggy. I love you all. Thank you...for so much, for everything, for giving me a family, for giving me a home.
I know this post is a hot mess. I'm all over the place today. I genuinely cannot express how much each and every one of you has affected me.
My name is Cora Valentine. I am blessed with good friends, a good doggo and the most incredible family a girl could ever ask for. I have cried twice while writing this because I am so overcome with emotion.
Thank you all. For reading, for sticking with me, for seeing me through the tough times, for celebrating the good with me, for everything. I could not, and cannot do this alone. Thank you, dearest reader, for taking the time to read this.
I love you all,
Cora Valentine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)