Bad Movie Bonanza - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Hello, fellow moviegoers/blog readers!  I’m TheCinemaChick and you are in for a treat folks.  I’m joined by my favorite Tennessean, Kit Kat.  Say hello to the lovely readers, Kit Kat.

Hey everyone. This is Kit Kat. It’s great to be back doing another review with TheCinemaChick.

Indeed it is.  Today, we’ve decided to have a little fun and begin what I’m calling the “Bad Movie Bonanza”.  We’re going to take a look at some movies that are just terrible, explain why they are terrible and in general, have a good laugh about it.  Our first movie is one I’ll ashamedly admit I have seen multiple times.  I loved it back when I was a little kid, but in retrospect, is just awful.  Granted, I can’t completely blame the movie for it’s awesome badness.  We must also blame the time period…the 90s.

I’m with TheCinemaChick on this one. This is one of those movies we grew up watching as kids. And of course, what little kid of the 90s wouldn’t be happy to see the first live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? The cartoon was watched by every kid in every household. So why not make a live action version? TheCinemaChick pinned it right. The effort didn’t help the end result.

And no, it’s not weird at all that two (age deleted) girls are talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  If you think about it, the plot was weak, the acting was nowhere near Oscar worthy and basically, I don’t even know how to explain it.  I’m going to assume that everyone’s already familiar with the plot so I won’t have to explain everything.

I can help out there. The basic premise of the first movie really just explains the birth of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, their training by a mutated rat and meeting ole April O’Neal for the first time. Sadly enough for all the guys out there, Miss O’Neal does NOT wear the tight yellow outfit from the cartoon. Though, as a girl, I’m not so sure that’s such a bad thing.

Our main antagonist is Shredder, through his clan of ninjas The Foot.  Here we have my first problem.  Who is going to be intimidated by a gang called Foot?  I’d be scared of ninjas yeah, but not that.  And if you watch the movie, they look like giant flies.  I never said the costumes were any good either.  And April O’Neal doesn’t look anything like her animated counterpart.  She just looks plain, which is refreshing because she’s not drop dead gorgeous.

I agree. Sounds like they should look like they are covered in toe fungus. Not an appealing image. Now, at least Shredder looks like his animated counterpart. But then again, makes him look like a walking can opener. Yet, then the movie drags in a character named Casey Jones. I don’t know about TheCinemaChick but I don’t remember much about him in the animated series. Maybe I was just fixated on the turtles. But he doesn’t really get that much face time in the movie save for his sideline antics and bad acting.

I vaguely remember Casey from the cartoon.  He was never a major player.  But, the movie starts and the turtles are pretty much acting as vigilantes.  And they love pizza.  It’s a joke that’s repeated to death throughout the movie.  Here’s a thought…I know the turtles went out of their way to remain hidden, but surely someone had to noticed them.  Even when Rafeal goes to a movie during the film, he’s wearing a trench coat and a hat.  Does no one see that his face is shaped weird?  Is his green skin that unnoticeable?  And does he have shoes on?  Plus, they show a guy delivering pizza to the sewer.  How is he not suspicious?

I have to agree with you there. Seriously, what human being has a green hand? If I’m correct, they only have three big fingers on each hand. How did the ticket seller at the movie theater miss that? And no, they don’t have shoes on as far as I’m aware. Then there is something else that bothers me. Sorry to ruin it for everyone out there that hasn’t see it, but Shredder, this powerful bad guy, gets so ticked off at Splinter that he just charges at him and allows himself to be flung off the edge of the roof. Then, get this, he falls into the back of a garbage truck and gets smashed when Casey turns it on. And…how does he manage to survive for a sequel?

And that is why we have continuity.  However, in this trilogy (yes, there’s two more after this one…sorry), that doesn’t seem to matter.  Most of this movie doesn’t make sense either.  It doesn’t really explain why Splinter is so tall or how the turtles came to be.  Yeah, we get a really brief story about Japan and ninjas and ooze, but that’s it.  And ooze is a generic term.  For that matter, where the hell did this stuff come from?  Did this all happen in Japan?  There are too many plots going on here.  We have the turtles, Splinter, April, April’s boss’s son Danny, Casey, the awkward never mentioned again after this film possible romance between April and Casey, Shredder, The Foot…that’s EIGHT STORIES!  

Wait, you forget that The Foot employed young boys to steal things for them and if they had any martial arts experience then you got drafted into the clan. But, if The Foot is a Japanese group then why are the majority of these kids white bread? If there wasn’t a pre-started clan in the good ole U.S. of A then how did they get started? So many plot holes and so little time.

And on that note, back to the plot.  After the movie, Rafael helps a citizen in need, where he is discovered by Casey, who is a vigilante with a hockey mask.  At some point, April manages to get a hold of Raphael’s sai, or three pronged sword thing.  What does he do?  STALKS HER!  He follows her around because he has to get it back.  Well, this backfires because he ends up seeing her get mugged by the leader of The Foot and takes her back to his sewer home.  However, he is followed.  April wakes up sometime later and freaks out, which is finally something believable about this movie.  If I woke up in a sewer, surrounded by freaky turtles and a life sized talking rat, I’d flip out too.

Then, she calms down enough to let Splinter tell her the brief story about their lives in that he was a pet of his “master” named Hamato Yoshi and could somehow perform martial arts like his master. Then, we have the odd “sub-plot” about two guys falling in love with the same girl. Instead of having a showdown between the two men Hamato Yoshi and the chic flee for America but the rival Oroko Saki ends up killing them anyway leaving the rat to scratch up his face. Finally, we get to the turtles and the rat walking around in the ooze. And presto walking talking animals that learn karate. Here is where the realism ends. Somehow this story is calming to April, who invites them into her home for frozen pizza.

Don’t turtles need vegetables?  How is processed cheese and oily foods like that good for a turtle?  After a nice visit and more pizza than anyone needs, the turtles return home only to find that someone has broken in and taken Splinter.  Here we have another problem.  If Splinter is their karate master, why didn’t he defend himself?  Its like he just allowed them to take him.  Heartbroken, the turtles go right back to April.  Another problem…why can’t they take care of themselves?  Crap, I could care for myself when I was a teenager.  They’re like children.

A very good point. Why do they have to bunk with April and nearly get themselves caught by Danny when he comes over with his father? Why don’t they go out and look for clues as to where Splinter is? Because April has a better idea, she’ll do a story on the news and attract The Foot to her because that worked sooo well last time. Of course, Rafael gets in one of his moods again and goes up on the roof to vent where he not only gets spotted by Casey but by the members of The Foot who attack him. Where are his brothers? With April taking a tour of her side business the antique store. Then, the fight moves into April’s house where The Foot use axes to chop at the turtles but hit the floor instead. When move arrive the floor caves in and they continue the fight in the antique store till Casey arrives. Somehow the place catches on fire and viola we have a hidden exit from the building.

The group goes out to a farm house that April convientently owns.  Raphael, who is in a coma, gets left in a bathtub.  I should also mention that he’s face down.  I think someone wants him dead.  And nothing happens.  April writes in a journal, while she narrates a montage of events going on.  There’s more uncomfortable flirting with Casey and Raphael wakes up.  Then the turtles have a campfire and meditate where they all have a vision of Splinter.  So…they were high when they were sitting around the fire?

Possibly they were burning some “leaves” in the fire. Who knows. But somehow that tells them it’s time to go back (finally) and save Splinter and put an end to The Foot and Shredder. So, they troop back to their underground lair while Casey sleeps above ground. However, who do they find hiding in their home? Danny who has run away from home. He convinces them to let him stay but ends up sneaking out in the middle of the night so Casey gets to do something by following him to none other than the headquarters of The Foot. Apparently, Danny and Splinter have been having heart to hearts this whole time and Casey and Danny work together to free Splinter.

But of course, things can’t go smoothly.  Casey confronts Danny and they manage to free Splinter, but the Foot have been waiting back in the sewer.  The turtles manage to reverse the trap, but that takes the fight above ground.  And once again, no one notices this.  I know it’s not time, but come on!  There’s a ninja clan and mutant turtles fighting, how do you not see this at all?  During this battle, the fight ends up with Shredder and the turtles on the roof of a building.  Shredder kicks their ass and all seems hopeless…until Splinter shows up.  It is never explained how he got up there.  He just does.  And here’s one of my pet peeves.  When a movie reaches the climax, it should be exciting.  Shredder and Splinter talk.  Just talk.  It’s revealed to the turtles how they know each other, even though the audience already knows this.  Shredder tries to attack the rat, who has a nunchuck for some reason and the man goes over.  Splinter lets go and Shredder falls into a garbage truck that just happens to be right there when Casey used it to bump the ladder to knock some ninjas off.  How did he just happen to get the truck started?

Well, isn’t it obvious? He works easily with a group of walking, talking, fighting turtle vigilantes so he must have the ability to hot wire a car. Suddenly, after Shredder seems to bite the big one all the teenagers that used to work for The Foot show up en masse in the middle of the street. Just be glad they don’t start singing and dancing. And yet, there are NO BYSTANDERS. I mean really? If it was my neighborhood, they are out there in the early morning just to see two cop cars. This is a freaking battle in the open for the whole world to see. Well, maybe someone was paying attention because the cops FINALLY arrive along with the news crew that April got fired from. The teens talk to the cops and hand over the warehouse full of stolen items, April gets her job back with perks, and she and Casey have their first and only kiss of the series as far as I’m aware and everyone lives happily ever after.

Until the sequel.

Yes, until the sequel. Seems to me we might have to have our own sequel for their sequel.

And don't forget, they travel to feudal Japan in the third movie.

Yes, indeed, but that is for another time. In a way, this is a cautionary tale for those who would consider seeing this live action version of TMNT. If you're thinking about it, step back and really consider what else might be worth the 95 minutes you might otherwise be sitting there watching this plot hole filled movie.

I think we’ve put the people through enough torture.  Don’t worry, we’ll be back for another round of terrible movies.  We might even tackle the sequel to this, but most likely not.  This was painful enough as is.

Sad, but true. Hopefully you have survived this review and will come back to see the next one. I’m Kit Kat and no movie is too good or too bad for a review.

And I’m TheCinemaChick, who will soon be seen on a different venue.  That’s right, I am going to be paid to do this now.  I have a job! (sort of)

A little history never hurt anyone, right?

Hello everyone, it's me, TheCinemaChick, your friendly local neighborhood reviewer.  I have seen some movies since watching Hop, but honestly, I haven't figured out how to explain that one yet.  There's still a long list of movies I want to see, just haven't gotten the change to see yet.  Plus nothing has appealed to me.  Kit Kat and I are planning on doing a "Bad Movie Bonanza" segment, so stay tuned for that.  I also plan on tackling some Disney movies and why they should NEVER have sequels.  I mean, I thought cars was a very good movie, but the next movie they're doing involves spies and Japan.  You know this will have absolutely nothing to do with the original film, which is pretty sad.

Enough about my thoughts on the sequels.

Today I bring you an indie movie called "The Conspirator".  It's a movie about a woman who is accused of working with a group of men who had plotted to kill Lincoln.  This movie isn't very publicized even thought it has some fairly big names starring in it.  We've got Robin Wright Penn, James McAvoy, Evan Rachel Wood, Kevin Kline and Alexis Bledel.  Granted, they aren't A-Listers, but it's still pretty impressive.  As if that weren't enough, it's a Robert Redford film.

What more could a person want in a film?

I saw this with Butterfly (whose name I may change because he finally discovered what I've been calling him) and we were both impressed.  I was just happy that I'd finally paid him back for Suckerpunch.

The movie starts off with the Civil War.  We see two men lying in a ditch, both of them are injured.  In the background, men are looking for survivors.  The two men are rescued and then we have a time skip to the night of Lincoln's assassination.

Let me just say that I saw no point to the opening scene in the field.  It's never mentioned again, nor did it really serve any purpose.  Yeah, it's sort of an establishing shot to set the period and show us who the main character is, but the fact that it really does nothing for the movie bothers me.

Moving on.

We see Lincoln's murder, which was a rather impressive scene, cinematic-ally.  It is mildly confusing because it skips between John Wilkes Booth and his co-conspirators.  I didn't even know the plot to kill Lincoln went so deep.  I believed it was a one man job.  Butterfly did point out that he would like to know how historically accurate the movie was.  As of right now, I have done no research to say if it is or not.  Stay tuned for more info on that.
After the murder, we are introduced to our main characters.  We have Mary Surrat, who is accused of working with her son and the other conspirators.  She owns an inn with her children, which happens to be the place where Booth stayed.  Because of that, she is sent to trial.

Honestly, I don't really have to delve deep into the plot.  The movie goes slow, showing how Frederick Aiken  (McAvoy) goes about collecting information and defending Mary at the expense of his personal life.  And that is my only problem with this movie.  The pace is almost is slow, almost painfully slow.  It takes forever to reach the climax of the film, which even then, it wasn't a major one.  Mary is declared guilty and sentenced to hang.  It is heartbreaking because Aiken's evidence clearly proves she's innocent.  Then the film shows her being hanged with the other men accused of the conspiracy.

Perhaps I'm a bit early on saying this but I'd say Robin Wright Penn deserves a nomination for her performance.  Whether it be a Golden Globe or an Oscar, she deserves recognition for her role.

And despite the snail pace set by the film, it's very well done.  The costumes are incredible, the acting is near flawless and the characters are believable.

What does TheCinemaChick think?
It's great.  History buffs will enjoy it or people who are fans of period pieces.  Average movie goers will most likely pass this one over because it does seem boring.  They're going to be missing out on a hidden gem.  See if it's playing in your area and at least consider it.  It's not incredible, the best thing ever, can't miss movie but it's a subtle, quiet film that deserves to be mentioned.

Well, that's all for now.  What's next on my list?  At some point, I will do my review for "Your Highness" although I'm not sure how I can review that one without a lot of cursing and drug references.

What will I see next?  I don't know.  It depends on what's coming out and what I can afford.  I am looking forward to Thor, Pirates of the Carribbean and some others.

Well, I'm TheCinemaChick and on behalf of my crew, I bid you an enjoyable theater experience.

Hop To It!

Hello everyone out there and welcome to another movie review.  I'm TheCinemaChick, back with another movie to talk about.  Today we have a real treat for everyone.  I get to discuss a movie I actually liked.  Fry and I decided to see Hop yesterday.  Shockingly, it was fantastic.  I thought it would be completely aimed at a younger audience but there is plenty in it for everyone.

Hop is the quasi animated feature film, starring James Marsden as Fred and Russell Brand as E.B.  It starts off a bit confusing because we begin the film in Easter Island (ha ha...funny joke there), then without warning switches to California.  We see both characters as children, then jump right into the main plot.  Fred is unemployed and living with his parents, who stage an intervention to get him to find a job and his own place.  E.B. is about to suceed his father as the Easter bunny.

Do we see a theme here?  Easter Island, rabbits, Hop...yup, it's an Easter movie.  It reminded me of a Christmas story you'd see in December only less "after school special"-y.

Well, E.B. decides he wants to be a drummer and runs away to Hollywood to make it big.  Fred is housesitting for his sister's boss when he accidentally hits the rabbit with his car.  He takes E.B. in and learns of his talent.  The true easter bunny sends the pink berets out to find his son so that Easter can still take place. I loved the pink berets.  Think ninja bunnies with iPhones.  Fred messes up on a job interview but agrees to take E.B to an open audition.  "Hoff Knows Talent" which is an obvious ripoff of "America's Got Talent" agrees to let the bunny attend an live taping of the show.  This scene was funny because Fred does ask "Aren't you amazed that I'm a talking rabbit?"  To which the Hoff replies, "My best friend is a talking car."  Only adults will get the Knight Rider reference there.

However, the pink berets track E.B. to the house he's hiding out in and he makes a big mistake.  He fakes his death by wrapping one of his shirts around a frozen turkey and boiling it.  I'm pretty sure a boiled rabbit looks much different than a turkey, but I digress.  Fred is captured and the bird is taken back to Easter headquarters.  The HQ is pretty cool.  It's very Willy Wonka, only not as creepy and with more rainbows.  That was a beautiful scene.

This is where we have the main conflict.  Carlos, a chick and the Easter bunny's right hand man has staged a coup de tat ("which is French for 'coup de tat!'").  The rabbits are locked away and Carlos has the egg of destiny.  Of course, this is a childrens' movie so you know it's going to have a happy ending.  Fred steps up and helps save the day, along with the help of E.B.s drumming.  Then, Fred and E.B. become co-Easter bunnies.

I liked this movie.  I really did.  Yes, it has problems and there are parts where I got bored, but overall it was entertaining.  I'm learning to love Russell Brand.  He even makes a cameo in the film.  A production assistant comes in to tell E.B that he has two minutes.  Brand makes a face like he's slightly disgusted by a talking rabbit and comments that it's weird.  Fry and I had a good laugh about that one.

What does TheCinemaChick think?
Go for it.  Matinee would be best, full price if you want.  I would recommend it to families who want to make an outing and see a movie together.  It is a little scary towards the end but only for a few minutes.  It leaves you feeling good and fuzzy.

Up next?
Hanna
Your Highness
Arthur (more Russell Brand goodness)

more fun with Butterfly and Fry!

There you go, my thoughts on Hop.  I'll see you guys again soon with another new release and see if it's worth a movie ticket or not.

On behalf of my movie watching crew, I'm TheCinemaChick, wishing you a pleasurable movie experience.

The Source Code

Hey everyone, it's your local, friendly neighborhood movie reviewer, TheCinemaChick.  Tonight, I'm going to discuss a movie I have been putting off.

I did see The Source Code a few days ago, but I just haven't wanted to review it.  I didn't want to see it and I was in a bad mood because Butterfly was pretty late.
Enough about my moodiness.

Overall, The Source Code wasn't terrible.  It was just...well...I didn't enjoy it.  The concept of sending someone to a parallel dimension in order to save lives is a neat idea, but the way it was in the film annoyed the hell out of me.  I mean, you see the same two scenes over and over and over.  It's either Jake Gyllenhall in a pod or Jake Gyllenhall on a train where he thinks he's one person but is seen as someone else.    The repetitive nature was what killed it for me.  I don't like songs that have the same chorus fifty times so I don't want to watch it in a movie.
Butterfly loved it.  I fell asleep periodically.  To each their own.  I just wouldn't recommend it.  If you like hardcore science fiction, then this would be for you.  I'm ok with science fiction but it isn't my favorite thing out there. For me, a lot of science is confusing and difficult, so movies like this don't agree with me.  I would watch any other movie (hell, I sat through The Last Airbender) but stuff like this, isn't my idea of fun.

If you enjoy films like this, by all means, go and see it.  Like I said, this wasn't my cup of tea.

Matinée would be the best option in my opinion.

I'm TheCinemaChick and I don't have much to say tonight.  I don't know how to describe the plot without giving it away entirely.  And since I didn't enjoy it, I don't want to make anyone else hate it.

I'm just a critic (amateur).

Tomorrow, Fry and I check out Hop, the quasi animated Easter themed flick with Russell Brand, Hugh Laurie and James Marsden.  Will it suck?  Is it mind blowingly awesome?
I'll find out for you.