Hello, fellow moviegoers/blog readers! I’m TheCinemaChick and you are in for a treat folks. I’m joined by my favorite Tennessean, Kit Kat. Say hello to the lovely readers, Kit Kat.
Hey everyone. This is Kit Kat. It’s great to be back doing another review with TheCinemaChick.
Indeed it is. Today, we’ve decided to have a little fun and begin what I’m calling the “Bad Movie Bonanza”. We’re going to take a look at some movies that are just terrible, explain why they are terrible and in general, have a good laugh about it. Our first movie is one I’ll ashamedly admit I have seen multiple times. I loved it back when I was a little kid, but in retrospect, is just awful. Granted, I can’t completely blame the movie for it’s awesome badness. We must also blame the time period…the 90s.
I’m with TheCinemaChick on this one. This is one of those movies we grew up watching as kids. And of course, what little kid of the 90s wouldn’t be happy to see the first live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? The cartoon was watched by every kid in every household. So why not make a live action version? TheCinemaChick pinned it right. The effort didn’t help the end result.
And no, it’s not weird at all that two (age deleted) girls are talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you think about it, the plot was weak, the acting was nowhere near Oscar worthy and basically, I don’t even know how to explain it. I’m going to assume that everyone’s already familiar with the plot so I won’t have to explain everything.
I can help out there. The basic premise of the first movie really just explains the birth of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, their training by a mutated rat and meeting ole April O’Neal for the first time. Sadly enough for all the guys out there, Miss O’Neal does NOT wear the tight yellow outfit from the cartoon. Though, as a girl, I’m not so sure that’s such a bad thing.
Our main antagonist is Shredder, through his clan of ninjas The Foot. Here we have my first problem. Who is going to be intimidated by a gang called Foot? I’d be scared of ninjas yeah, but not that. And if you watch the movie, they look like giant flies. I never said the costumes were any good either. And April O’Neal doesn’t look anything like her animated counterpart. She just looks plain, which is refreshing because she’s not drop dead gorgeous.
I agree. Sounds like they should look like they are covered in toe fungus. Not an appealing image. Now, at least Shredder looks like his animated counterpart. But then again, makes him look like a walking can opener. Yet, then the movie drags in a character named Casey Jones. I don’t know about TheCinemaChick but I don’t remember much about him in the animated series. Maybe I was just fixated on the turtles. But he doesn’t really get that much face time in the movie save for his sideline antics and bad acting.
I vaguely remember Casey from the cartoon. He was never a major player. But, the movie starts and the turtles are pretty much acting as vigilantes. And they love pizza. It’s a joke that’s repeated to death throughout the movie. Here’s a thought…I know the turtles went out of their way to remain hidden, but surely someone had to noticed them. Even when Rafeal goes to a movie during the film, he’s wearing a trench coat and a hat. Does no one see that his face is shaped weird? Is his green skin that unnoticeable? And does he have shoes on? Plus, they show a guy delivering pizza to the sewer. How is he not suspicious?
I have to agree with you there. Seriously, what human being has a green hand? If I’m correct, they only have three big fingers on each hand. How did the ticket seller at the movie theater miss that? And no, they don’t have shoes on as far as I’m aware. Then there is something else that bothers me. Sorry to ruin it for everyone out there that hasn’t see it, but Shredder, this powerful bad guy, gets so ticked off at Splinter that he just charges at him and allows himself to be flung off the edge of the roof. Then, get this, he falls into the back of a garbage truck and gets smashed when Casey turns it on. And…how does he manage to survive for a sequel?
And that is why we have continuity. However, in this trilogy (yes, there’s two more after this one…sorry), that doesn’t seem to matter. Most of this movie doesn’t make sense either. It doesn’t really explain why Splinter is so tall or how the turtles came to be. Yeah, we get a really brief story about Japan Japan
Wait, you forget that The Foot employed young boys to steal things for them and if they had any martial arts experience then you got drafted into the clan. But, if The Foot is a Japanese group then why are the majority of these kids white bread? If there wasn’t a pre-started clan in the good ole U.S.
And on that note, back to the plot. After the movie, Rafael helps a citizen in need, where he is discovered by Casey, who is a vigilante with a hockey mask. At some point, April manages to get a hold of Raphael’s sai, or three pronged sword thing. What does he do? STALKS HER! He follows her around because he has to get it back. Well, this backfires because he ends up seeing her get mugged by the leader of The Foot and takes her back to his sewer home. However, he is followed. April wakes up sometime later and freaks out, which is finally something believable about this movie. If I woke up in a sewer, surrounded by freaky turtles and a life sized talking rat, I’d flip out too.
Then, she calms down enough to let Splinter tell her the brief story about their lives in that he was a pet of his “master” named Hamato Yoshi and could somehow perform martial arts like his master. Then, we have the odd “sub-plot” about two guys falling in love with the same girl. Instead of having a showdown between the two men Hamato Yoshi and the chic flee for America
Don’t turtles need vegetables? How is processed cheese and oily foods like that good for a turtle? After a nice visit and more pizza than anyone needs, the turtles return home only to find that someone has broken in and taken Splinter. Here we have another problem. If Splinter is their karate master, why didn’t he defend himself? Its like he just allowed them to take him. Heartbroken, the turtles go right back to April. Another problem…why can’t they take care of themselves? Crap, I could care for myself when I was a teenager. They’re like children.
A very good point. Why do they have to bunk with April and nearly get themselves caught by Danny when he comes over with his father? Why don’t they go out and look for clues as to where Splinter is? Because April has a better idea, she’ll do a story on the news and attract The Foot to her because that worked sooo well last time. Of course, Rafael gets in one of his moods again and goes up on the roof to vent where he not only gets spotted by Casey but by the members of The Foot who attack him. Where are his brothers? With April taking a tour of her side business the antique store. Then, the fight moves into April’s house where The Foot use axes to chop at the turtles but hit the floor instead. When move arrive the floor caves in and they continue the fight in the antique store till Casey arrives. Somehow the place catches on fire and viola we have a hidden exit from the building.
The group goes out to a farm house that April convientently owns. Raphael, who is in a coma, gets left in a bathtub. I should also mention that he’s face down. I think someone wants him dead. And nothing happens. April writes in a journal, while she narrates a montage of events going on. There’s more uncomfortable flirting with Casey and Raphael wakes up. Then the turtles have a campfire and meditate where they all have a vision of Splinter. So…they were high when they were sitting around the fire?
Possibly they were burning some “leaves” in the fire. Who knows. But somehow that tells them it’s time to go back (finally) and save Splinter and put an end to The Foot and Shredder. So, they troop back to their underground lair while Casey sleeps above ground. However, who do they find hiding in their home? Danny who has run away from home. He convinces them to let him stay but ends up sneaking out in the middle of the night so Casey gets to do something by following him to none other than the headquarters of The Foot. Apparently, Danny and Splinter have been having heart to hearts this whole time and Casey and Danny work together to free Splinter.
But of course, things can’t go smoothly. Casey confronts Danny and they manage to free Splinter, but the Foot have been waiting back in the sewer. The turtles manage to reverse the trap, but that takes the fight above ground. And once again, no one notices this. I know it’s not time, but come on! There’s a ninja clan and mutant turtles fighting, how do you not see this at all? During this battle, the fight ends up with Shredder and the turtles on the roof of a building. Shredder kicks their ass and all seems hopeless…until Splinter shows up. It is never explained how he got up there. He just does. And here’s one of my pet peeves. When a movie reaches the climax, it should be exciting. Shredder and Splinter talk. Just talk. It’s revealed to the turtles how they know each other, even though the audience already knows this. Shredder tries to attack the rat, who has a nunchuck for some reason and the man goes over. Splinter lets go and Shredder falls into a garbage truck that just happens to be right there when Casey used it to bump the ladder to knock some ninjas off. How did he just happen to get the truck started?
Well, isn’t it obvious? He works easily with a group of walking, talking, fighting turtle vigilantes so he must have the ability to hot wire a car. Suddenly, after Shredder seems to bite the big one all the teenagers that used to work for The Foot show up en masse in the middle of the street. Just be glad they don’t start singing and dancing. And yet, there are NO BYSTANDERS. I mean really? If it was my neighborhood, they are out there in the early morning just to see two cop cars. This is a freaking battle in the open for the whole world to see. Well, maybe someone was paying attention because the cops FINALLY arrive along with the news crew that April got fired from. The teens talk to the cops and hand over the warehouse full of stolen items, April gets her job back with perks, and she and Casey have their first and only kiss of the series as far as I’m aware and everyone lives happily ever after.
Until the sequel.
Yes, until the sequel. Seems to me we might have to have our own sequel for their sequel.
And don't forget, they travel to feudal Japan
Yes, indeed, but that is for another time. In a way, this is a cautionary tale for those who would consider seeing this live action version of TMNT. If you're thinking about it, step back and really consider what else might be worth the 95 minutes you might otherwise be sitting there watching this plot hole filled movie.
I think we’ve put the people through enough torture. Don’t worry, we’ll be back for another round of terrible movies. We might even tackle the sequel to this, but most likely not. This was painful enough as is.
Sad, but true. Hopefully you have survived this review and will come back to see the next one. I’m Kit Kat and no movie is too good or too bad for a review.
And I’m TheCinemaChick, who will soon be seen on a different venue. That’s right, I am going to be paid to do this now. I have a job! (sort of)
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