Abduction?

Hey everyone, I’m TheCinemaChick and have I got a review for you.  Last night I watched two movies so I’ve got a lot to say.  One was excellent and the other was not so great.  Since I’m in a fairly decent mood, let’s get the not so great one out of the way first.

Abduction is the new Taylor Lautner action/spy movie that came out yesterday.  It’s marketed as something that’s exciting and adrenaline packed, but to be totally honest, it’s underwhelming.  The movie was bipolar and had moments of severe ADHD that just didn’t mesh together in a satisfactory manner.  It was confusing and I can outline the movie and still not give away the plot.  Trust me, the way I did this with Fry was much funnier, but it still holds true.

For me, this is how Abduction went:

typical high school movie

borderline child abuse

typical high school movie

murder!

half assed suspense

confusion

more confusion

random spy guy

talk about a list that never really gets explained

actiony stuff

stuff that should be actiony but isn’t

romance…bad timing

trains

almost sex

OMG A FIGHT SCENE!!  RAWR!!

romance

confusion

bad geography

plot holes

actiony stuff that’s still not satisfying

murder

end

I was excited to see the movie because I bought into the hype that it would be suspenseful but it just never reached that level.  Every time there was an action sequence, it was either boring or ended up being interrupted by something.  And to make things even more awkward, a romance was worked in that didn’t even fit.  It slowed down the film, detracting from the overall effect.

There was just too much missing from the movie to make it enjoyable.  The CIA and Russian spies are after this list, but never once was the importance of the list explained.  Maybe I just missed that tiny shred of information but still; if that much emphasis is going to placed on something, make it a bigger deal.

Also, props to Lily Collins for taking on such a huge role for her first shot at acting (I assume it’s her first film) but she’s terrible.  Her line delivery was subpar and then she’d put the emphasis on the wrong syllables so it would then sound cheesy.  Fry and I agreed that we want to wax her eyebrows because they overpower her face.

I didn’t like this movie.  It would have some action going then flip over to the romance which would just halt the movie overall.  I wanted to like it but the movie was borderline bipolar.  It would be happy one moment, then violent, happy, romantic, angry…give Abduction some lithium or something to even out the moods.

As if the bipolar attitude weren’t bad enough, the editing is also terrible.  There are some scenes that last about 3 seconds or less.  The problem is, when you have multiple scenes like that the eye doesn’t get a chance to enjoy the surroundings so the mind because either bored or annoyed causing a lack of interest in the overall film.  I’m also pretty certain that things like that can induce seizures.  Don’t quote me on that, let me contact my expert and get back to you.

There’s one scene that bothers me a lot.  Fry and I both agree that this was not only improbable but entirely pointless overall.  There’s a scene when Karen (played by Collins) gets kidnapped and the villain uses a zip tie to tie her wrists together around a train seat.  The bad guy leaves her alone, she manages to knock a glass off the counter, where it shatters and she uses her feet to push it up to her hands.

Here’s where I need some explanation.

Both of her hands are tied over her head where she can’t really even use them.  How did she manage to get the glass up to her hands and cut the zip tie without assistance or hurting herself?  We get a shot of her moving the glass, cut to a scene with Nathan (Lautner) fighting then, next thing you know, there she is, unharmed and free of her bonds.

Here’s another thing that bothered me.  Karen never seemed to get a single scrape.  Her manicure was always perfect and even when she was getting a bruise treated, it’s barely visible.

While I’m ranting about that, Karen was useless.  She didn’t really do anything and usually got them into more trouble.  Come on movie, at least let her get in one solid punch!  Give me a positive female role model that does something other than look pretty and get kidnapped by the evil guys.  Seriously, she does nothing for me.  I’m sorry Lily Collins but I don’t see a future in film for you.  Try as you might, I just don’t see it.

Prove me wrong.

Even Fry pointed out that there are some overhead shots that look like they came straight out of Twilight.  Come on, let Taylor Lautner make a name for himself outside of the crappy vampire series!  I did a five part rant on why it’s so bad!  But no…he’s forever going to be Jacob Black which sucks.

Abduction did give him some street cred.  I think he had a good chance to show off his martial art skills, along with just how physical he can be.  I honestly think Taylor Lautner has a good chance at becoming an action star.  He’s young, he can take a few hits and he has actual talent.  Granted, he’s been given some terrible roles in his life.  He’s Jacob Black, he played Sharkboy and now he’s Nathan…a boy with insomnia and rage problems.  Oh and don’t bother remembering that detail.  It has almost no impact on the movie at all.

Basically, don’t bother with this movie.  It’s lame, it’s cheesy and overall is not satisfying at all.  I still have no idea what’s so important about that damn list nor do I even care.  The geography is messed up so you have no idea where the movie is going, only to end up exactly where they started off.

Well, I’d like to move on to a movie I actually liked, so that’s all I have to say about Abduction.  It’s not worth it and I say skip it.  There are better things out there to see.

I’m TheCinemaChick saying, Taylor Lautner, I know you’re single.  Call me.