Hey guys,
I’m known as TheCinemaChick and after a month long (and much needed) hiatus,
I’m back! June was a rather interesting
month for me. I volunteered at a local
church and did vacation Bible school. At
the end of that, I managed to fall and sprain my ankle really bad. So, I was laid up for about a week, then I
got some really…heartbreaking news. It
seems I was causing some friction in a friend’s relationship so he has chosen
to cut me out of his life very suddenly.
Yes, it was painful, but I think I’ll survive. It’s not my fault his girlfriend thinks I’m
someone I’m not.
Then, some
very exciting news. My brother became a
father for the first time last week!
Yes, I am now AuntieCinemaChick!
I got to hold her today and she is so tiny, but adorable. I am over the moon right now. But, you’re not here to listen to me ramble
on and on about my new niece. No…you’re
here because I’m going to review a movie for you. And for my triumphant return, I’m going to
tackle one of the biggest anticipated movies of the summer. And unfortunately, I hated it.
Yes dear
reader, I hated “The Amazing Spider Man”.
Trust me, I use the term “amazing” rather loosely. I’m sorry, we had a trilogy of movies based
on this same comic book hero a decade ago.
Why are we already doing a remake of it?
Not to mention, why can’t they make a DECENT remake? The actors were so badly miscast its not even
funny. Andrew Garfield looks like a
scrawny little nerd who only looks buff when he’s in costume. He just didn’t cut it for me. Also, I don’t really like Emma Stone. I don’t think she’s all that great either in
comedic or dramatic roles. I hated “Easy
A” and I wasn’t fond of “The Help” because it focused on her too much. She’s playing Gwen Stacy in this one, the
replacement for Mary Jane I guess. I
prefer Kirsten Dunst honestly.
Before I
went into this film, I was only half interested in it. I’ll admit, I may be a Marvel girl, but I
don’t really care for the Spider Man stuff.
I never really liked him. I’ve
seen the first movies, the ones with Tobey Maguire and I enjoyed those. They weren’t my favorite films of all time,
but they were good. Let’s not get into
Spider Man 3 with “emo Peter” and the stupid dance number. Trust me, I’m aware of how much it
sucked. However, in comparison to the
newest version, I’d gladly watch that over again.
“The
Amazing Spider Man” did not live up to its name. They must have used the word “amazing” rather
loosely. Ok, time for a little bit of my
thoughts on how a movie should go. Let’s
say you want 100% of a film. Let’s
divide that up and I will explain why I have done it this way.
20% Exposition
30% Rising Action
10% Climax
20%Falling Action
10% Dénouement
Let’s
discuss this. Expostion is the backstory
and giving us all the information we need for a film, unless its in a
series. Even in a series, such as Harry
Potter, they remind us of what we need to know for the upcoming movie. However, in some cases, this can drag on
insanely long. This causes boredom in
the viewer. Yes, we need to know what’s
going on and how this character came to be, but keep it to a minimum.
Rising
Action should be getting us amped up for the climax. It should present conflict and tension,
possibly some humor as well. This is
when we should be getting a real sense of the character. Well, sometimes this gets cut short. It shouldn’t be. With this, the viewer is sucked in and drawn
into the world the film has created. If
we never get the chance to make that connection to the film, well, the movie
kind of sucks.
The Climax
is the pinnacle of the movie. It should
be exciting and gripping and have the viewer’s full attention. In a superhero movie, this is where the hero
would fight the bad guy and win. Like in
the Avengers, the climax comes when the giant space worm turtle things come and
they have to fight even though they are hurt and tired.
Falling
Action resolves the conflicts presented earlier and lets us know that things
came out all right for our hero. It
should sum things up and give us a feeling of satisfaction. Again, when it comes to a series, this can be
left wide open since there will be a continuation of the film. Look at Lord of The Rings. The ending of “The Fellowship of the Ring”
just sort of stops and doesn’t have a sense of conclusion or finality. The view knows and is fully aware that there
will be two more films in the series so there aren’t any lingering
questions. All will be brought up in the
second film and resolved in the third.
Perhaps I
will write something later about Lord of the Rings. We’ll see.
And
finally, the Dénouement. This is the
ending. Consider this the final scenes,
post credit scenes and credits. This
really isn’t a huge part of the film, but still, it’s something that should be
considered.
Now that
I’ve explained that, let me explain this.
“The Amazing Spider Man” was about 80% exposition. I’m not kidding. There was very little action, almost no
conflict, other than some minor bullying issues and Peter not knowing about his
parents. Even that gets put in the
background for the most part. I just
didn’t feel like it went anywhere for about an hour and a half when this film
runs a solid two and a half hours. A lot
of it was just character interaction, with nothing really binding it together. I just couldn’t get into it. Not to mention, I couldn’t get past the fact
that Andrew Garfield looks like the bastard child of Robert Pattinson and
Daniel Radcliffe.
The movie
just kept dragging on and on and on. If
the viewer isn’t sucked in quickly, the movie is doomed. I couldn’t get sucked into this if you’d
turned on a vacuum and physically sucked me into the screen. There isn’t very much Spider Man action. It’s mostly just Peter Parker being emotional
and reading. He doesn’t really seem interested
in Gwen at all, so it felt very forced.
I wanted to like this, I really did, but I didn’t.
And the 3D
was useless. There was maybe a grand
total of 6 minutes of cool stuff that I thought was ok, but for the most part,
I had no need for my glasses. I’ll
admit, there’s a few scenes where we get a first person point of view shot that
I liked a lot. We get to see through
Spider Man’s eyes as he swings around the city, which was interesting. I’m not a huge fan of first person because I
am prone to motion sickness.
I couldn’t
even get into the climax but it was a let down. There was no awesome battle between Spider Man
and The Lizard (played by Rhys Ifans, you know Xenophilius Lovegood from Harry
Potter). Personally, I didn’t even see
him as a villain. His intentions were
noble. Dr. Curt Connors lost part of his
arm and just wants to get it back. Ok, I
understand why you’re doing these insane things to yourself. He wants to help people who have injuries or
disabilities by crossing species. That
actually sounds like a good idea, but he just went a little too far in his
research. I did not find him threatening
at all. A good villain should make me
want him to lose. Hell, I was rooting
for The Lizard more than Spider
Man.
And to make
things even better, Curt Connors tries to redeem himself! He kills someone, but ends up saving Spider
Man! Of course the movie has its happy
ending. Peter gets Gwen, he’s allowed to
be Spider Man but then there’s a post credit scene that had me going “Oh great…sequel
fodder.” And for those of you who don’t
speak my language, sequel fodder is an ending or post credit scene that clearly
hints at a sequel or pending series. In
this case, expect a sequel. The villain
is alive and can break out. I have no
idea who the guy in the post credits scene is, so if you know, please tell me. So far, all I know is that it is NOT Norman
Osborn, better known as The Green Goblin. So that’s all I know for now kids.
But I mean,
come on, Marvel. Fry and I watched this,
pointing out elements from Avengers that happened to pop up. For instance, remember that giant blue cloud
in the sky before the Chitauri invade? It
returns in this one.
This was an
unnecessary remake. It’s boring, way too
drawn out and just doesn’t satisfy at all. At one point, I was so bored, I started
playing with my hair. Yes, I took my
hair down, which I never do, and braided it. I gave myself a Katniss braid and braided my
bangs while I was at it. I’m sorry, but
skip this one. Go see Ted or Magic Mike,
neither which I have seen. I would
rather see those that sit through Spider Man again. If this tells you anything, I have seen all
the Marvel movies at least twice, if not more. (I’ve officially seen Avengers 5 times
now) This…this wasn’t worth the seven
bucks I paid to see it.
Well, that’s
all the ranting I have to do about The “Amazing” Spider Man.
I’m looking
forward to the upcoming release of the latest Batman movie. I’m considering going to a marathon of the
Christopher Nolan films, but we’ll see. You never know with me.
I’m
TheCinemaChick and I’m back, baby!
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