Hello to
one and all who still occasionally tune into my blog! I’m TheCinemaChick and I like to talk about
movies I hate…and love. Now, I know I
promised a vlog with a bunch of my girls but as you can see, that didn’t
happen. We did go to the last Twilight
marathon and things just didn’t go as planned. I will fully take the blame for what happened
because this whole thing was my idea. For
the sake of everyone involved, I won’t go into what I did to screw up so bad. And as you can see, I’m not doing a vlog
alone either. Well…guess who managed to
catch the flu when we have weather that’s in the low to mid 80s? Yeah, that’s right, I did. So because I’m not feeling so hot (which is
ironic considering I have a fever), I’m writing this one.
So, even
though it’s about two or three weeks late, let’s jump into the “worldwide
phenomenon” and its “epic finale”. I use
the phrases loosely because when I think of epics, I don’t think of Twilight. I think of Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter
and Les Miserables and On The Road. To
me, the whole Twilight fad is a pop culture icon, but not a literary classic. Let me phrase it this way: If you are a die
hard Twilight fan, by all means, be one. Just give the rest of us a chance to explain
why we either hate it or don’t care for it as much.
Also…Robert
Pattinson hates Twilight. While on that
subject, I just want to get something off my chest. Why would you take a role if you absolutely
loathed it? I wonder if he did it just
for the money, which I’ll admit is probably a good reason since it’s made
billions overall. Also, if you hate the
character of Edward Cullen so much, you’d made another major mistake because
you are no forever branded as that one character. To me, taking this role, despite your
personal feelings for it makes you a sell out.
And it’s not like he did it to make Kristen Stewart happy. She cheated on him with a director twice her
age.
Enough of
my personal dislike of certain things.
“Breaking
Dawn Part Two” is the end of the series.
It picks up right where the last one left off.. However, there are some really, really long
opening credits to sit through first. Ok,
it’s one giant metaphor for Bella’s change.
It’s just time progression shots of things being frozen. Seriously, this lasts for about four minutes.
Interesting note though, this is the
only Twilight film to even have opening credits. Once that is finally over, it goes straight to
Bella waking up. Let me dive straight
into one of my main problems now and get it over with.
Every Twilight
film has the same exact layout, a four act play of blandness. Nothing happens for the first two acts, major
action in the third act and the final act is Bella and Edward in some kind of
romantic setting. That’s great for maybe
two films but this seriously last for almost the entire series. The only exception is the first installment of
Breaking Dawn because it involves Bella’s death. Would it have killed them to mix it up a
little? I know the books are the same
way, but take some artistic license with the text to make it more interesting.
Now, the
first act of this movie is Bella learning to be a vampire, which I’ll admit, I
found pretty cool. We get to see how
they see. So she sees every fiber on the
carpet and all the dust in the air. When
she goes on her first hunt, we see her at normal vampire speed, but then the
frame slows down to show the audience how it seems so slow to them, but fast to
us. But, after this, it goes back to
mundane. I couldn’t believe Kristen’s
acting when she was supposed to beat up Jacob for imprinting on her mutant
offspring. And before you get upset at
that, Reneesme is a mutant. She’s half
human, half vampire.
You know
how people say Kristen Stewart always looks constipated? Well…I hate to say this, but it’s even worse
during this scene. The way she curls her
lips, the intense look in her eyes…I’ll let you use your imagination as to what
I’m getting at.
Once that’s
over, she just accepts it like its no big deal. Good lord, Bella has worse mood swings than me…oh
wait, I take medication for mine. But
still, after this, it’s just them being vampires, accepting werewolves in their
life, montage of the child growing into like an eight year old.
Oh! Another thing I want to touch on. Since the child ages so fast, the film makers
used both real babies and CGI to create Reneesme. When Bella first holds her daughter, it looks
creepy. It’s clearly fake but the face
disturbs me. It just looks sinisiter to
me. I love children, don’t get me wrong,
but this fake baby…hell no. Although, I
imagine potty training was a breeze with her.
Plus, her power is kind of cool.
She can project her memories into the minds of others. It is sort of a combination between Edward and
Bella. But yes, CGI babies are creepy.
**I am
skipping some parts of the movie because they did not seem relevant to me and I
am not comfortable discussing them. There
are more sex scenes between Edward Bella, as well as some sexual banter between
Emmet and Bella. Once again, this movie
is aimed at teens. I don’t like this
stuff being added in there, even though I know it’s in the book**
Then we
have Bella and Reneesme playing in the snow. Jacob, for some reason, is in his wolf form. Irina, who is a member of the Denali clan and furious that Laurent was killed, shows up
and sees this. Convinced the Cullens
have broken a major rule, she goes straight to the Volturi. You see, in this world, immortal children are
not allowed. According to Carlisle , if a child is turned, it stops developing
mentally. They are careless and a single
tantrum could destroy a village. Knowing
their entire family is in danger, they go to enlist people to help them. This is also the time when Alice
Here’s
another problem I have with this film. There
are so many vampires brought it that they don’t really get a proper
introduction. It’s basically another
montage, saying here’s this person, from this place and this is there power. The Irish coven doesn’t get introduced! They’re just there. The nomads don’t get names either. The only ones I remember are Garrett,
Alistair (because he leaves) and Benjamin (only because I like Rami Malek). Beyond that, I don’t remember anyone. They don’t get a chance to shine on their
own. So, once we have all the vampires
in one place, we see Bella learning to use her powers to help everyone.
Bella’s
power is that she is a shield, so she can deflect any attack. In the literary world, we call that a “deus ex
machina” or a “god machine”. She just
happens to have the one power that will save them all from the Volturi? Oh yeah, Aro, Marcus and Caius have decided to
investigate this whole thing personally, so that’s why everyone is gathered in
Forks. I have trouble believing this
girl, who could barely protect herself for the entire series, is suddenly the
MVP of vampires. Ah well, more on that
in a moment.
So, finally
the time comes for the epic battle. This
was NOT in the books, which I thought was pretty cool. There really is a full on battle with major
character deaths. I really don’t want to
spoil the surprise because it really was a huge shock to me. For now, I will say that two beloved vampires
are killed and two werewolves die. And
yes, the Volturi gets destroyed. And
yes, Bella uses her powers during this, but it’s almost useless. She can’t use it unless she’s standing still,
leaving her wide open for an attack. I
will chalk that one up to the fact that she’s barely gotten to train so she
doesn’t quite know how to use them yet. At the same time, she woke up and was already
the perfect vampire, so I think she could have used her shield better.
For that
matter, when Jane is torturing a Cullen (who is killed) why didn’t Bella help
him? She helped Edward the whole time,
but when this guy, her brother in law, is in trouble, she does nothing for him. I’m just saying.
Even though
the battle was pretty badass, it was a total cop out. I’ll admit, I was grabbing Terra and screaming
at the screen when I first saw it because it was a huge shock. How could these beloved characters die like
this? Then…it’s all a lie. Everyone’s fine, no one gets hurt and the
Volturi leave. Then we have the
obligatory romantic scene with Edward and Bella, the end credits, which mention
every character that has ever been given a line in the entire series.
Overall, it’s
was just ok. It has horrible pacing, the
humor fails on most parts, unless its Aro. Seriously, if you’ve seen it, you know about
his freaky laugh and the whole “You have a strange heartbeat” thing. And yeah, when everyone has accepted that
Jacob imprinted on Reneesme, Jacob asks Edward if he should call him Dad. The answer is a firm “No.” Beyond that, it wasn’t that great. The battle was amazing and I would love to
just watch that again, but because it didn’t actually happen, I can’t look at
it the same way. The ending was so sweet;
I think my blood sugar shot up. “Nobody’s
ever loved anybody as much as I love you”.
Really? No one talks like that…as
far as I know.
I wanted to
like it because I had bought into the hype, but once again, I just didn’t care
for the generic love story with the supernatural mixed in. I don’t like Bella, I don’t like Edward and
most of the other characters are ignored.
While I do not support a sequel to this movie (it might happen) or a
television series (it might happen), I would approve of some prequels. Tell us more about the lesser Cullens. Show us
how Alice
That’s
really all I have to say right now. I’m
working on being a little better with my reviews. I’m gearing up for my “Top 12 of 12” and “Worst
12 of 12” lists. Trust me, there were a
lot o bombs this year. Beyond that, I
have no plans to see more films. I will
see “The Hobbit” when it comes out and maybe a few more things. I’m aiming for fifty new releases this year. Stay tuned for so much more, lovely readers.
I’m
TheCinemaChick and I broke a key off my keyboard.
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