Fifty Shades of Twilight??

 **I will be discussing “Fifty Shades of Grey. There will be mentions of sexual activities and foul language. If you are offended by that, do not read further.**

Hey guys, you can call me TheCinemaChick. I’m a film nerd who also has a slight obsession with pop culture. Right now, I’m a bit irked. That’s right, you heard me, I am irked. The big smash hit a few summers ago (in a literary sense) has been the “erotic” trilogy “Fifty Shades of Grey”. It’s did better than Harry Potter and that does sicken me a little. Now, it’s being adapted into a movie. Yes, a novel about sex, smut and BDSM is coming to the silver screen. You have been warned.

First off…what the hell? How did an underground sexual fetish become mainstream? Last I checked, people’s private lives stayed between them and their bedroom. This…this is…well, I’ll be honest, I’ve read worse stuff. I’m not saying I read pornographic materials, because I don’t. I've read “Lolita” for a class and I've read “Peyton Place”. Almost nothing gets to me anymore. I’m actually reading “Game of Thrones” currently. However, like millions of others, I was curious about this book. So…I bought the “Fifty Shades of Grey” novels.

…I am also deeply ashamed to admit that.

Once again, I didn’t buy them because I love the content, I bought them out of curiosity. Besides, I don’t think I could walk into my local library and check them out. Before I go full on ranty with this, I want to make one thing painfully clear to everyone. “Fifty Shades of Grey” is a FANFICTION based on the “Twilight” series. It started off as a story E.L. James wrote as her version of Bella and Edward’s story. To make matters worse, “Fifty Shades” is painfully obvious in its parallels. Anastasia is clearly Bella, Christian is obviously Edward and Jose is Jacob. It’s like James put a thin, transparent veil on the original series, slapped her name on it and called it original.

The thing is, I’ve only read the first two books. I cannot stand to read the final one because the first two are so horrible. What made me even more upset is that at the end of the first novel, I was cheering for Anastasia because she walked away from Christian. She showed potential to become a positive female role model, but as soon as the second story begins, she turns into Bella. Anastasia Steel, the… “heroine”…of the story, gives up on life completely. But that's not the worst part of all this.

What really gets me is that so many women want to become Anastasia Steel at home and have their own personal Christian Grey. Look at the text! He makes her sign a contract where she agrees to let him control her life. She has to eat what he chooses for her, when he wants her to, she has to work out, he picks what she wears...Anastasia gives up completely because she's so in love with this man. He is a sick, twisted man who stalked her before claiming her. I am not kidding on this one. I've read enough to know this is true. He also buys the publishing company she works at because he needs that much control over her life.

At one point in the second book, he even makes the statement, “I like beating brunette girls who look like my mother.” It may not be in those exact words, but that is one detail I will never be able to forget. You see, I read the first book...well, let's have a little flashback.

***commence flashback***

It all started in the summer of 2011. Perhaps it was a different time, maybe a better time. I was still taking care of MovieMomma full time. She had been listening to the morning talk shows where they had been discussing “Fifty Shades of Grey” and she wanted to know more about it. However, my mother was also blind and could not read at all. So...I grudgingly agreed to purchase it (for my Kindle so I didn't have to go somewhere and be seen buying it) and read it. I reported back to her and gave her the basic synopsis, which was hard to do considering I didn't know how to explain to her that the book is “Twilight” but with a lot more abuse and bondage. I read her a few passages out loud so that she could get a general idea of what I had to go through so she could know all about it. That's the second time I had ever seen my mother laugh that hard.

***end flashback***

I read the second book in hopes that the series got better.

It didn't.

I do own the third book. I think I have read a single page and will most likely read beyond that. Rest assured, I am not thrilled to admit that I have read part of this series because as I have already stated, this is just porn. It did well with middle aged women...hence why it earned the nickname “mommy porn”. I am not sure what that is exactly. Perhaps it's some sort of fantasy book that'll help bored houswives escape their mundane life by engulfing them in this BDSM tale?

Here's the basic issue I have. Everyone's raving about how great these books are when all I see is a naïve college girl who is caught up by an older man. He uses her for sex, controls every aspect of her life and uses sex to keep her as his toy. Christian Grey is an abusive man. There, I said it. I don't like anything about him. I don't think he's hot, either in the book or on screen. Whoever is playing him isn't attractive.

Hate on me all you want. I don't like him.

So, I cannot express how much I hate this series without wanting to curse and just rant for hours and hours. I see almost no positives in the book other than its graphic sexual content. I'm not praising the content but its the only parts that have decent descriptions. Everything else is just sort of vague and left to the imagination. And yes, I feel I can criticize the writing style of these books. Why is this, you may ask if you have no idea about my education. I have a degree in English and Creative Writing. I know how to write and I have been perfecting my craft for many, many years. Description is a huge key to all stories. You need to use the right words to show the reader everything, not just tell them.

I don't see the appeal. I just don't get it. The characters are bland and flat with little, if any change as the story progresses. The plot is thin but I guess its a romance...sort of...sure, let's call it that. It can be a romantic, erotic book...well no, since it's not a romance. IT'S PORN!

I can't say how much annoyance and rage this causes me. It's a terrible book now a terrible movie. People will see it because they want to see Mr. Grey in action.

Here's a thought. Instead of looking for a Mr. Grey, how about finding a Mr. Darcy? Or a Rory Williams? Or an Augustus Waters? I can't believe I'm even saying this, but go find an Edward Cullen instead.

Will I ever finish reading the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy? No.

Do I agree with the casting choices? No.

Most importantly...will I see this movie? Sadly, probably. I see movies of all sorts and try to push personal bias aside. While I don't think its for everyone, I think I can watch it with an analytic mind and look past the smut.

Fun fact: Matt Smith, better known as the eleventh Doctor, was considered for the role of Christian Grey.

I know this movie won't fail because it seems to have a loyal female fanbase and some of the younger Twilight fans who have grown up will probably hop on the bandwagon as well. Beyond that, it'll still make millions. Hell, it might even break the billion dollar mark due to popularity.

I'm TheCinemaChick and I...I just don't know...

Transformers: Age of Extinction

 Hello all you beautiful people who use the internets! I'm the girl they call TheCinemaChick and I'm back from a glorious vacation. Where have I been, you may ask. Well, I was up in Colorado for a wedding. It was beautiful and I got to see a friend I've known for seventeen, almost eighteen years marry his partner of seven years. They had a Doctor Who theme so I was in my element. Well, I have rested, recovered and done a lot of laundry, so let's get on to the real reason you keep clicking links to my blog: movies!

` I haven't had a chance to see many films out lately due to hectic schedules but I assure, I will see “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” soon and I will be reviewing “Jersey Boys” this week as well. I still plan to see more movies, like “Guardians of the Galaxy”, “The Purge: Anarchy” and whatever else catches my eye. But for now, let's talk about a Micheal Bay production of a Micheal Bay move feature Micheal Bay's favorite thing, explosions! That's right, if you guessed that I'm talking about the latest installment of the “Transformers” franchise, you have earned yourself a cookie. And because I am not with you, please pretend that I am handing you a nice snickerdoodle because snickerdoodles are awesome.

Let me back track for a moment. I am not a huge fan of Micheal bay. The first “Transformers” was good, the second was a joke and the third one was a massive “what the hell is going on here” for me. Since this a reboot, I had expected it to be better than the original. One day, I will learn not to get my hopes up. I had not planned to see this in all honesty. I gave up on this series. Then...Optimus Prime on a T. Rex...I was hooked. Like many others, I fell for the promise of Dinobots. And, like everyone else who saw this movie, I was incredibly let down.

I shouldn't be so surprised that I was disappointed in this movie. I knew who was making it and what it would be about. However, I did not expect the exceedingly poor acting, the paper thing plot and the overdrawn use of CGI. Since we all know there will be a sequel, I don't want any of the human actors to return. Seriously, keep Mark Wahlberg and ditch everyone else. Do not bring Nicola Peltz back. Leave Jack Reynor out of this. Hell, recast everyone.

For those of you who have seen this and can't remember where you've seen Tessa before...remember that M. Night Shymalan abomination “The Last Airbender”? Remember the girl who played Katara that always looked like she was about to cry and butchered names by calling Aang “Ong” and Sokka became “Soca”?

Yeah...she grew up into and joined the Transformers.

I never said the acting was good.

Basically, the plot didn't make sense to me. Transformers are now seen as villains because of what took place in the last movie. As evidenced by the giant billboards and the constant mentions throughout. We get it, giant space robots destroyed Chicago. Worse things have happened. Look at what Superman did in his last film! No one got upset over that. So, instead of be diplomatic about this whole thing, they do what makes the least amount of sense possible.

Guys...they murdered Ratchet onscreen. They killed Ironhide! Everyone knows Ironhide is my absolute favorite!

Seems logical. Let's kill all the alien robts!

So, only a handful are left, which brings me to a huge plot hole that is never once addressed. There are some new Transformers in this one, whom we have never seen before. I don't know anything about them other than one is John Goodman, one is a racist Asian stereotype and I have no idea how they have managed to go unnoticed. Better yet, why haven't we seen them before? How the the Transformers keep conveniently forgetting their comrades on earth? There is always something brought up in a movie that has never been hinted at before and we're just supposed to accept it like its canon.

I refuse to drink the Kool Aid, Micheal Bay!

On the flip side, I will also credit the continuity. While it is a failure for the most part, they do maintain elements from the original three films. They don't just drop it and ignore the past. It's still a part of this story, it's just that what happens in the present makes no sense to the past or future.

Another major issue is that the plot hasn't really changed and we're in the fourth installment of this now. It's still “something's wrong, better call Optimus and get a human ally”. While I will admit that Mark Wahlberg is a step up, it would have been nice to know the fate of Shia LeBeouf's character. If you're going to have continuity, don't pick and choose where you use it. All of the other characters are forgettable, so I won't bother to mention them. Tessa, played ineptly by Nicola Peltz, is clearly only there as eye candy. She brought a bad name to women. All Tessa does is scream, cry, get captured and run to her boyfriend when she's scared.

I'd make a feminism joke or a women's liberation comment here but I think I'll save it. This waste of a character is not worth it.

Here's an idea...let's have a female secondary lead who isn't a complete waste? Why can't we have someone who's smart, in charge, confident and can kick some ass? Why are we stuck with this little brat? This is disgusting to me. Women can fend for themselves now so we don't need a pretty dumb girl who needs to be rescued. Seriously Hollywood, its getting old. Can we just get past the whole damsel in distress thing now? What would happen if we suddenly adopted a dude in distress mentality? How would that go?

I'm getting off track here but I can't stress enough how much I loathed Tessa and her boyfriend Shane. They were just pretty teens who made out. I couldn't stand them and would love it if they never came back.

The running time was easily three hours, which is absolutely insane. And the Dinobots? They don't show up until the final fifteen minutes of the movie! I waited all that time for nothing! And they wouldn't have gotten involved at all until Optimus slapped them around a few times to establish his dominance? So, are they dogs? They have a pack mentality now? They aren't even worth the wait either. It's all a huge let down.

And of course, we set up for another movie, which is just...why? This ending practically screams “Optimus Prime is Jesus!”. He goes off to make this big sacrifice to save everyone and it just gets a little preachy. All of the movies end like this but it was like they made more time for this.

I don't recommend this overblown, bloated glorification of Micheal Bay's poor choices. Wait until it's on HBO or in Redbox or the dollar theater. It's pathetic and is full of lies and empty promises. I would much rather sit through “Revenge of the Fallen” again because at least it had a more solid plot. Overall, I wish this trend would go ahead and die. It's not getting any better, just more and more explosive. I don't mean that in a positive connotation at all. I mean it literal, as in, the more money you give Micheal Bay by seeing this film, the more explosions we will have in the next one.

I'm TheCinemaChick and I need more shelves for my DVD collection.