Transformers: Age of Extinction

 Hello all you beautiful people who use the internets! I'm the girl they call TheCinemaChick and I'm back from a glorious vacation. Where have I been, you may ask. Well, I was up in Colorado for a wedding. It was beautiful and I got to see a friend I've known for seventeen, almost eighteen years marry his partner of seven years. They had a Doctor Who theme so I was in my element. Well, I have rested, recovered and done a lot of laundry, so let's get on to the real reason you keep clicking links to my blog: movies!

` I haven't had a chance to see many films out lately due to hectic schedules but I assure, I will see “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” soon and I will be reviewing “Jersey Boys” this week as well. I still plan to see more movies, like “Guardians of the Galaxy”, “The Purge: Anarchy” and whatever else catches my eye. But for now, let's talk about a Micheal Bay production of a Micheal Bay move feature Micheal Bay's favorite thing, explosions! That's right, if you guessed that I'm talking about the latest installment of the “Transformers” franchise, you have earned yourself a cookie. And because I am not with you, please pretend that I am handing you a nice snickerdoodle because snickerdoodles are awesome.

Let me back track for a moment. I am not a huge fan of Micheal bay. The first “Transformers” was good, the second was a joke and the third one was a massive “what the hell is going on here” for me. Since this a reboot, I had expected it to be better than the original. One day, I will learn not to get my hopes up. I had not planned to see this in all honesty. I gave up on this series. Then...Optimus Prime on a T. Rex...I was hooked. Like many others, I fell for the promise of Dinobots. And, like everyone else who saw this movie, I was incredibly let down.

I shouldn't be so surprised that I was disappointed in this movie. I knew who was making it and what it would be about. However, I did not expect the exceedingly poor acting, the paper thing plot and the overdrawn use of CGI. Since we all know there will be a sequel, I don't want any of the human actors to return. Seriously, keep Mark Wahlberg and ditch everyone else. Do not bring Nicola Peltz back. Leave Jack Reynor out of this. Hell, recast everyone.

For those of you who have seen this and can't remember where you've seen Tessa before...remember that M. Night Shymalan abomination “The Last Airbender”? Remember the girl who played Katara that always looked like she was about to cry and butchered names by calling Aang “Ong” and Sokka became “Soca”?

Yeah...she grew up into and joined the Transformers.

I never said the acting was good.

Basically, the plot didn't make sense to me. Transformers are now seen as villains because of what took place in the last movie. As evidenced by the giant billboards and the constant mentions throughout. We get it, giant space robots destroyed Chicago. Worse things have happened. Look at what Superman did in his last film! No one got upset over that. So, instead of be diplomatic about this whole thing, they do what makes the least amount of sense possible.

Guys...they murdered Ratchet onscreen. They killed Ironhide! Everyone knows Ironhide is my absolute favorite!

Seems logical. Let's kill all the alien robts!

So, only a handful are left, which brings me to a huge plot hole that is never once addressed. There are some new Transformers in this one, whom we have never seen before. I don't know anything about them other than one is John Goodman, one is a racist Asian stereotype and I have no idea how they have managed to go unnoticed. Better yet, why haven't we seen them before? How the the Transformers keep conveniently forgetting their comrades on earth? There is always something brought up in a movie that has never been hinted at before and we're just supposed to accept it like its canon.

I refuse to drink the Kool Aid, Micheal Bay!

On the flip side, I will also credit the continuity. While it is a failure for the most part, they do maintain elements from the original three films. They don't just drop it and ignore the past. It's still a part of this story, it's just that what happens in the present makes no sense to the past or future.

Another major issue is that the plot hasn't really changed and we're in the fourth installment of this now. It's still “something's wrong, better call Optimus and get a human ally”. While I will admit that Mark Wahlberg is a step up, it would have been nice to know the fate of Shia LeBeouf's character. If you're going to have continuity, don't pick and choose where you use it. All of the other characters are forgettable, so I won't bother to mention them. Tessa, played ineptly by Nicola Peltz, is clearly only there as eye candy. She brought a bad name to women. All Tessa does is scream, cry, get captured and run to her boyfriend when she's scared.

I'd make a feminism joke or a women's liberation comment here but I think I'll save it. This waste of a character is not worth it.

Here's an idea...let's have a female secondary lead who isn't a complete waste? Why can't we have someone who's smart, in charge, confident and can kick some ass? Why are we stuck with this little brat? This is disgusting to me. Women can fend for themselves now so we don't need a pretty dumb girl who needs to be rescued. Seriously Hollywood, its getting old. Can we just get past the whole damsel in distress thing now? What would happen if we suddenly adopted a dude in distress mentality? How would that go?

I'm getting off track here but I can't stress enough how much I loathed Tessa and her boyfriend Shane. They were just pretty teens who made out. I couldn't stand them and would love it if they never came back.

The running time was easily three hours, which is absolutely insane. And the Dinobots? They don't show up until the final fifteen minutes of the movie! I waited all that time for nothing! And they wouldn't have gotten involved at all until Optimus slapped them around a few times to establish his dominance? So, are they dogs? They have a pack mentality now? They aren't even worth the wait either. It's all a huge let down.

And of course, we set up for another movie, which is just...why? This ending practically screams “Optimus Prime is Jesus!”. He goes off to make this big sacrifice to save everyone and it just gets a little preachy. All of the movies end like this but it was like they made more time for this.

I don't recommend this overblown, bloated glorification of Micheal Bay's poor choices. Wait until it's on HBO or in Redbox or the dollar theater. It's pathetic and is full of lies and empty promises. I would much rather sit through “Revenge of the Fallen” again because at least it had a more solid plot. Overall, I wish this trend would go ahead and die. It's not getting any better, just more and more explosive. I don't mean that in a positive connotation at all. I mean it literal, as in, the more money you give Micheal Bay by seeing this film, the more explosions we will have in the next one.

I'm TheCinemaChick and I need more shelves for my DVD collection.