Fifty Shades of Twilight??

 **I will be discussing “Fifty Shades of Grey. There will be mentions of sexual activities and foul language. If you are offended by that, do not read further.**

Hey guys, you can call me TheCinemaChick. I’m a film nerd who also has a slight obsession with pop culture. Right now, I’m a bit irked. That’s right, you heard me, I am irked. The big smash hit a few summers ago (in a literary sense) has been the “erotic” trilogy “Fifty Shades of Grey”. It’s did better than Harry Potter and that does sicken me a little. Now, it’s being adapted into a movie. Yes, a novel about sex, smut and BDSM is coming to the silver screen. You have been warned.

First off…what the hell? How did an underground sexual fetish become mainstream? Last I checked, people’s private lives stayed between them and their bedroom. This…this is…well, I’ll be honest, I’ve read worse stuff. I’m not saying I read pornographic materials, because I don’t. I've read “Lolita” for a class and I've read “Peyton Place”. Almost nothing gets to me anymore. I’m actually reading “Game of Thrones” currently. However, like millions of others, I was curious about this book. So…I bought the “Fifty Shades of Grey” novels.

…I am also deeply ashamed to admit that.

Once again, I didn’t buy them because I love the content, I bought them out of curiosity. Besides, I don’t think I could walk into my local library and check them out. Before I go full on ranty with this, I want to make one thing painfully clear to everyone. “Fifty Shades of Grey” is a FANFICTION based on the “Twilight” series. It started off as a story E.L. James wrote as her version of Bella and Edward’s story. To make matters worse, “Fifty Shades” is painfully obvious in its parallels. Anastasia is clearly Bella, Christian is obviously Edward and Jose is Jacob. It’s like James put a thin, transparent veil on the original series, slapped her name on it and called it original.

The thing is, I’ve only read the first two books. I cannot stand to read the final one because the first two are so horrible. What made me even more upset is that at the end of the first novel, I was cheering for Anastasia because she walked away from Christian. She showed potential to become a positive female role model, but as soon as the second story begins, she turns into Bella. Anastasia Steel, the… “heroine”…of the story, gives up on life completely. But that's not the worst part of all this.

What really gets me is that so many women want to become Anastasia Steel at home and have their own personal Christian Grey. Look at the text! He makes her sign a contract where she agrees to let him control her life. She has to eat what he chooses for her, when he wants her to, she has to work out, he picks what she wears...Anastasia gives up completely because she's so in love with this man. He is a sick, twisted man who stalked her before claiming her. I am not kidding on this one. I've read enough to know this is true. He also buys the publishing company she works at because he needs that much control over her life.

At one point in the second book, he even makes the statement, “I like beating brunette girls who look like my mother.” It may not be in those exact words, but that is one detail I will never be able to forget. You see, I read the first book...well, let's have a little flashback.

***commence flashback***

It all started in the summer of 2011. Perhaps it was a different time, maybe a better time. I was still taking care of MovieMomma full time. She had been listening to the morning talk shows where they had been discussing “Fifty Shades of Grey” and she wanted to know more about it. However, my mother was also blind and could not read at all. So...I grudgingly agreed to purchase it (for my Kindle so I didn't have to go somewhere and be seen buying it) and read it. I reported back to her and gave her the basic synopsis, which was hard to do considering I didn't know how to explain to her that the book is “Twilight” but with a lot more abuse and bondage. I read her a few passages out loud so that she could get a general idea of what I had to go through so she could know all about it. That's the second time I had ever seen my mother laugh that hard.

***end flashback***

I read the second book in hopes that the series got better.

It didn't.

I do own the third book. I think I have read a single page and will most likely read beyond that. Rest assured, I am not thrilled to admit that I have read part of this series because as I have already stated, this is just porn. It did well with middle aged women...hence why it earned the nickname “mommy porn”. I am not sure what that is exactly. Perhaps it's some sort of fantasy book that'll help bored houswives escape their mundane life by engulfing them in this BDSM tale?

Here's the basic issue I have. Everyone's raving about how great these books are when all I see is a naïve college girl who is caught up by an older man. He uses her for sex, controls every aspect of her life and uses sex to keep her as his toy. Christian Grey is an abusive man. There, I said it. I don't like anything about him. I don't think he's hot, either in the book or on screen. Whoever is playing him isn't attractive.

Hate on me all you want. I don't like him.

So, I cannot express how much I hate this series without wanting to curse and just rant for hours and hours. I see almost no positives in the book other than its graphic sexual content. I'm not praising the content but its the only parts that have decent descriptions. Everything else is just sort of vague and left to the imagination. And yes, I feel I can criticize the writing style of these books. Why is this, you may ask if you have no idea about my education. I have a degree in English and Creative Writing. I know how to write and I have been perfecting my craft for many, many years. Description is a huge key to all stories. You need to use the right words to show the reader everything, not just tell them.

I don't see the appeal. I just don't get it. The characters are bland and flat with little, if any change as the story progresses. The plot is thin but I guess its a romance...sort of...sure, let's call it that. It can be a romantic, erotic book...well no, since it's not a romance. IT'S PORN!

I can't say how much annoyance and rage this causes me. It's a terrible book now a terrible movie. People will see it because they want to see Mr. Grey in action.

Here's a thought. Instead of looking for a Mr. Grey, how about finding a Mr. Darcy? Or a Rory Williams? Or an Augustus Waters? I can't believe I'm even saying this, but go find an Edward Cullen instead.

Will I ever finish reading the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy? No.

Do I agree with the casting choices? No.

Most importantly...will I see this movie? Sadly, probably. I see movies of all sorts and try to push personal bias aside. While I don't think its for everyone, I think I can watch it with an analytic mind and look past the smut.

Fun fact: Matt Smith, better known as the eleventh Doctor, was considered for the role of Christian Grey.

I know this movie won't fail because it seems to have a loyal female fanbase and some of the younger Twilight fans who have grown up will probably hop on the bandwagon as well. Beyond that, it'll still make millions. Hell, it might even break the billion dollar mark due to popularity.

I'm TheCinemaChick and I...I just don't know...