Stupid, Insane Courage

            Hey guys I’m ThecCinemaChick, your friendly anonymous movie critic and tonight, we’re doing something different.  You see, Kit Kat and I have been thinking about “We Bought a Zoo”, not because it was a great movie, but because of the quote they kept repeating.  So…we’ve decided to be completely honest and just…go for it.  I’m incredibly nervous because I rarely ever talk about anything but films.  Plus, I am going to say things about some of the people who read the blog…it might change their opinion of me.  So, here it goes.  One blog of insane, stupid courage.

            I apologize if I offend or confuse anyone. 

            First off, there is a reason I choose to remain anonymous.  I fully believe that almost everything is based off a person’s looks.  People don’t get to know your personality from a quick glance.  No matter what, I would be judged by what I look like and I don’t think that’s right.  I’m not a super skinny hot chick.  In fact, I’ve got very dry skin, curly hair that has a mind of it’s own, glasses and oh yes, piercings.  Granted, all seven of them are in my ears right now.  I used to have a lip ring, but had to take it out.  I don’t understand why so much is based off physical appearance.  Seriously, does it matter how good my breasts look or how tall and sexy I am?  I mean, is there something wrong with finding intelligent conversation attractive?

            I’m not what most guys would consider hot or sexy.  It’s probably a combination of my own personal insecurities and a refusal to accept that to be beautiful I should be a stick thing, large breasted woman like you’d see on a magazine cover.  I’m real and I’m not perfect.  In fact, my unfortunate insecurities have caused me to have trouble speaking to guys.  Yes, I can talk to Butterfly, but he’s like a brother to me.  Though…there was that one time a guy thought he and I were married.  That was awkward.  But., I’ve had crushes on guys or I’ve had things I wanted to say to them, but I couldn’t because I was just too scared.  Like…I did mention that all my female friends at college thought Mumford was hot.  Terra mentioned it again the other night, referring to him as “the hot one”.  I don’t ask…she has a boyfriend.  The thing is, I think that Mumford is attractive as well, but I could never tell him face to face.  I’m almost certain I’d get laughed at, rejected and he’d stop speaking to me.  Plus, he could do way better than me.

            You know, I have to admit that I do have a secret passion.  I love music.  It’s the one thing I can’t imagine living without.  I’ve been told that I should have gotten a degree in music and go on to sing for a living.  The idea was a good one, until the crippling stage fright set it.  Yeah, public speaking is no problem, but ask me to sing and I’m petrified.  I’ve done it before, many times, but it’s still scary.  I guess karaoke contests don’t really count, but I’ve done several of those.  The people who have heard me sing are always telling me that I sound beautiful, but I don’t see why.  I’m used to my voice so I guess it just sounds normal to me.

            So, I told you all that to tell you this.  I have wanted to sing for an audience.  I want to audition for a movie or a musical or even an opera and just sing to my heart’s content.  Instead of being so scared, I want to just show everyone my love of music and how it’s been such a huge influence in my life.  The closest I’ve ever come is serenading Terra outside while waiting for my Non Fiction class to begin.  That or the time I was singing “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele in my car with the windows down.  The guy in the car next to mine at the stoplight seemed to enjoy the performance.

            Also, I think I’m a very boring person.  Sure I see a lot of movies, but that doesn’t make me exciting.  Yeah, I’ve toured Europe, been to both coasts (California and Virginia) but does that make me interesting?  I have hundreds of stories to tell, done things people twice my age might never do and yet, I don’t think it makes me seem cool.  Yeah, I’ve met rock stars and actors and professional athletes too.  I’ve got pictures of me meeting Terrance Zdunich, the genius behind Repo! The Genetic Opera and the Finnish rock cello group Apocalyptica.  Again, not many people have seen them because I think they will all go “Oh she’s ugly” and proceed to insult me.

            It has happened before.  Many, many times.

            But most of all, I just want people to know the real me.  I’m a nerd, a writer, a dork, a girl who dances in movie theaters (which I do after EVERY film I see) and has a offbeat sense of humor.  I do stupid things, sometimes I’m reckless and sometimes, I stand up for what I believe in.  I like hugs and hot tea.  I once kissed my then gay friend on a dare and I’ve kissed Terra.  I don’t see the world like others do but I have my own unique spin on things.

            And I have to mention this because it has been bothering me a lot lately.  I know people tend to gravitate towards certain genres of film, music, books, etc, but why do they get some comfortable with that area that they won’t branch out?  Like, let’s say Jimmy (random name) loves science fiction.  He reads only that and will not read a fantast book or even a short story collection.  I don’t get it!  There is a world of entertainment out there, why be limited?  I do know there is a person who refuses to finish a book because of who the female leads ends up marrying.  I’m not kidding, even though I wish I was.  I admit to preferring fantasy, but I enjoy authors such as Raymond Carver, Roald Dahl, Anne Patchett and yes, I even read “The Host” by Stephanie Meyer.  I don’t believe in limiting yourself so much.  For instance, I didn’t want to see Limitless or The Conspirator, but I did and I ended up loving them.  Life is about experiences, so why pass them up?

            I’ve missed so many chances in my life.  However, I don’t regret anything I’ve done because everything is a chance to learn.  For instance, I bought myself a ticket to a concert last year, at a venue I had never been to.  None of my friends had heard of the band, so I went alone.  I had the best night of my life.  I learned that I’m able to go and do things on my own and not look like a loser.  Plus, when I’m feeling down, I can look at the picture of myself with Eicca Toppinen and remember that right before he took the picture, he said, “Smile.  You’re beautiful.”

            Yeah, I’m insecure and I admit to doing stupid stuff, but I’m supposed to screw up.  I’ve had my heart broken by the one man I wanted to spend my life with.  I’ve gone to the middle of an arboretum and howled at the moon.

            Despite all that, I’m still a strong person.  It doesn’t show much, but trust me, it’s there.  I can’t go into my recent troubles, but even I’m wondering how I’m handling it.  I’ve been through hell and I’m still here.

            You see, there are three people who know me, not the me I present to others.  Kit Kat knows me almost better than I know myself, Kitzy knows me well even though he’s abandoned me (and emotionally hurt me) and believe it or not…Mumford has seen the real me.  I’m surprised I told him some of the things I have, but it was kind of a relief.  I’d like to consider him a friend, even though we never really made it past the awkward acquaintance phase.

            Well, I’ve had my twenty minutes of insane courage.  I’ve spoken my mind and said my peace.  I don’t know what will happen now, if anything happens at all.  The world hasn’t ended and I’m not dead.  This is my 99^th blog and I’m pretty sure my 100^th blog will be epic…in my mind.  If I can hold out long enough, I might make my review of “The Hunger Games” my 100^th blog…but let’s face it.  We all know I can’t stay away from a movie theater.

            Kit Kat…my long lost sister, I’m going to kidnap you.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and we could be heroes…just for one night.