Top 12 of 12: Best Of

            Hello everyone in blog land, my name is TheCinemaChick!  I am a lover of all things involving the cinema and a friendly neighborhood stalker (according to Fry).  I’ve given you all my top 12 worst films of the year, so let’s have a more positive note with this one.  I would like to announce that I hit my goal of seeing 50 new releases, having a grand total of 66 films.  If you’re wondering how that works out, keep in mind I went to three marathons, saw “Avengers” eight times and yeah…it adds up.  

            What movies did I absolutely love this year?  Could anything top last year’s top movie?  Honestly…”Drive” is still pretty freaking awesome, but this year had some good contenders.  Let us dive right in and explore my favorite movies of 2012.

            As with my previous list, the first movie listed will be my least favorite.  I liked it, but not enough to buy it or watch it repeatedly.  Therefore the last movie I list will be the one I cannot live without.

            12. The Devil’s Carnival

            Ok, most of you have no clue as to what I’m talking about here.  It’s a film done by Terrance Zdunich and Darren Bousman.  It’s a pseudo sequel to “Repo! The Genetic Opera”.  What I liked about this was the music and the presentation.  The overall film isn’t that impressive and got to be a little irritable at points, but the way Zdunich presented it was awesome.  They did a nationwide tour, stopping in select cities.  The premiere was carnival themed, including side shows before the film.  I got to meet both men and they were very nice.

            I ranked this one low because it was a limited release, so it wasn’t widely available to the masses.  It is out on DVD now, so if you’re interested, check it out.

            11. The Artist.

            I know, this one came out in 2011 and won a lot of Oscars.  This was not available in my area until 2012.  I fell in love with this.  It is an homage to vintage films, showing only black and white and being silent.  It showed how powerful music can be when an actor cannot speak directly to the audience.  Emotions poured off the screen, thanks to the amazing cast and their willingness to overact.  I was the youngest person in the theater that morning, but everyone there agreed, it was one of the best modern films to date.

            10. The Secret World of Arrietty

            Hayao Miyazaki.  That’s all.

            9. John Carter

            Yes, this one was a box office bomb.  Poor Taylor Kitsch did not have a good year.  All his movies failed and he has a bad rap now.  I honestly loved John Carter.  It was new, it was different and wonderfully acted.  The special effects were amazing, the costuming was excellent and the story was gripping.  It was based on a book, which I have been reading and it’s also a very good adaptation.  Despite the harsh criticisms it received, I still loved it.  Just because a big critic hates it, doesn’t mean it’s bad.  This film deserves more recognition that it got.  As for Kitsch’s over film “Battleship”, I don’t know what to say.  I knew that one would be a bomb before it was even released.

            8. The Woman In Black

            This was by no means an amazing movie.  In fact, it’s quite dull.  So why did I enjoy it?  I loved that it did not jump straight into the horror aspect.  It built up the suspense until the end, which was a huge twist for me.  I also liked how they presented the Woman as someone who preyed on children.  I was genuinely unnerved at the end because of how things transpired.  I think its worth another look.  I also like that Daniel Radcliffe is trying to do roles outside of Harry Potter.  While I don’t think he’s succeeded in shedding that persona yet, I think he will have a lot of success in the future.

            7. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

            A lot of people probably skipped this one.  It was genuinely aimed at the older audience, so I ended up going with my parents.  They loved it.  It had a good mix of humor and emotion.  The characters were relatable so there was someone I could connect with.  It was realistic in that they made me think of people I actually knew.  I came to care for these characters, which is hard to do lately.

            Also, due to recent events, I can understand the characters a little more now.  They had experienced deaths of family members and close friends, so I know how it feels..  I would not mind going and spending a few months in India to find peace.

            6. The Hunger Games

            Honestly, I didn’t love it nor did I hate it.  I thought it was one of the most faithful adaptations of a book I’ve ever seen.  That’s it.

            5. Skyfall

            I’m not a James Bond fan.  I never have been, but something about Skyfall intrigued me.  It was a wonderful film, even though I hated that the first act seemed so disconnected from the second half.  The action kept me hooked and let’s be honest.  Javier Bardem is the best thing in this.  He was so brilliant that I fell in love with his flamboyant ways.  I also loved Ben Whishaw as Q.  Judi Dench was awesome, as always, though it is sad to know she is going blind.  I wish her nothing but the best.

            Another reason this film is important to me is that it was the first movie I saw after my mother’s funeral.  Butterfly took me to see it and it helped me be able to move on with my life.  I love my mother, I miss her every day and she wanted me to keep doing what I loved.  Skyfall made me remember why I review films.

            4. The Dark Knight Rises

            I was late joining the Batman crowd.  I’d seen the earlier films but I didn’t really enjoy it until I saw “The Dark Knight”.  Heath Ledger is the reason I loved the Christian Bale films.  I attended a triple feature, leading to a midnight showing.  I really like this film, even though it had a surprising lack of Batman.  Upon reviewing my notes, I realized this wasn’t Batman’s movie.  This was Bane’s show.  Tom Hardy was perfection as the criminal genius.  A lot of the plots twists didn’t add up, the ending was a bit of a cop out and I still don’t like Anne Hathaway.  However, I loved this movie.  It was entertaining and worth the wait.

            We all know what happened this night as well.  I do not wish to mention it out of respect to those affected by it.  It was another senseless act of violence.

            3. The Hobbit

            Yes, brand new to theaters and already on my favorites list. Isn’t that amazing?  I absolutely love Peter Jackson’s interpretation.  It gave more of the story so I had a better sense of what was going on.  We got to hear why Thorin because so sullen.  It started with Ian Holm as Bilbo and seamlessly faded into Martin Freeman as Bilbo.  The battle scenes were flawless and they managed to add a good amount of humor.  I didn’t mind the run time of 3 hours.  To me, it was one of the best films I’ve seen in about 2 years and it deserves recognition.

            However, the higher frame rate wasn’t the best choice and at times, the film did feel a lot slower than it actually was, but I am going to see it again.  I’ve seen the high frame rate in 3D, I’d like to see it in 2D now.

            2. The Avengers

            Surprise!  Most people thought this would be my top film.  I did love this film and I saw it 8 times in the theater and once on DVD.  Joss Whedon did a terrific job with this one and I cannot wait until the sequel comes out.  The acting was superb, the humor was friendly and the plot never dragged.  Not to mention, Tom Hiddleston said one of the dirtiest words known to the English language and almost no one knew what it meant.  I was the only one who gasped aloud in the theater when I heard it.

            This movie launched Loki’s Army, which is basically fangirls who love Loki and only Loki.  While I’m not opposed to this, I like tom Hiddleston as an actor.  Have you seen him in “Midnight in Paris”?  He plays F. Scott Fitzgerald!  It was awesome!

            “The Avengers” also restored my faith in the Marvel franchise.  It had hit a lull since Ghost Rider tanked and The Amazing Spiderman wasn’t exactly amazing.  I’m looking forward to the future sequels, starting with Iron Man 3.

            What was my favorite film this year?  Did it move me?  Was it the most popular movie out there?

            Nope.

            1. The Perks of Being a Wallflower

            Yes.  I absolutely loved this movie.  I went out of my way to see it and paid more money for a ticket than I care to admit.  I had tears streaming down my face when I left. 

            Most people probably did not have the same reaction.  I’m willing to bet a lot of people went just to see Emma Watson in her first non Harry Potter role.  Well…I ‘ll get to my reasons in just a second.

            One thing that I absolutely loved was that Steven Chbosky wrote the book and the screenplay and he was highly involved in the filmmaking process.  The movie was very faithful to the original text, which is a huge bonus.  I loved the music they used because it fit so well.  The acting was perfect, especially Ezra Miller.  That man alone deserves a bunch of awards for his role.  He was Patrick.

            But what got me was Logan Lerman as Charlie.  I can relate to the character of Charlie more than people know.  I’m bipolar so I know what its like to struggle with my identity, to find a place where I belong, the have friends that understand who and what I am.  Plus, being a teenager is hard enough.  Having a mental disorder makes life just a little bit harder.  While I never ended up in a psych ward, I’ve struggled with my bipolar disorder.  It has cost me relationships (like the ones I had with Neon and Terra) and sometimes, it makes just waking up unbearable.

           When I walked out of the movie, I realized, I am Charlie.  I struggle with myself on a daily basis, but I will be all right.

            This has been a very difficult year for me.  I apologize once more for being absent most of the time.  Things were strange and unexpected.  I certainly did not expect my mother’s untimely passing, which just caused a huge creative block.  Things are just…I’m learning to live without her.  There are days I cry and there are days when I can go about as normal.  Thankfully, people like Kit Kat, Fry, Butterfly and Mumford have been around for me.

            I promise to be better in 2013.  I may return to vlogs, but personal insecurities have prevented me from doing so.  We’ll see how things go.

            I would like to dedicate my Top 12 of 12: Best Of list to my mother’s memory.  She encouraged me to do this and she loved hearing me talk about films when her sight was gone.  She was my first fan.

            So, here’s to you, Mom.  Thank you and I miss you so much.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and expect two more reviews from me this year.  Tonight I’m seeing “Red Dawn” and Fry and I will be seeing “Les Miserables” on Christmas day.  We’ve made a tradition of seeing a movie on Christmas.

            Whatever you celebrate, I wish you a happy holiday and a prosperous New Year.

An Unexpected Journey

           Hello all you people out there!  I’m TheCinemaChick and I’m here to take you on a magical quest, filled with danger, evil creatures and wizards.  Fear not, for a band of determined dwarves will guide you through this land, only to face a monstrous dragon who could burn you in a moment.  Beware of trolls, Orcs, goblins and Wargs as we journey back to a familiar place.  Hobbits and Elves, we’re going back to Middle Earth to explore what is sure to be a roaring success, The Hobbit.

            Now, there’s one thing I’d like to touch on before I dive into the main part of my review.  When you go to the theater, there are several options: 2D, 3D, XD, HFR.  We all know what the first three are, so let’s discuss high frame rate.  Normal films are shot in 24 frames per second, but Peter Jackson decided to shoot The Hobbit at 48 frames per second hence the “high frame rate”.  My showing was XD, 3D and HFR, so it will be drastically different from what others saw.  A lot of people have also been criticizing this choice.  Here’s my take on the whole thing.

           The higher frame rate made things a lot smoother for me.  Every moment was so fluid, it was just amazing.  However, there were times when it seemed like the characters were moving faster than normal because…well, they probably are.  Maybe it was the XD, but the picture quality was absolutely breathtaking.  Now, if you are easily nauseated, prone to motion sickness or get easily dizzy, you might want to skip this option.  After the movie, I was a little disoriented and off balance.  Well, I’m always off balance, but you know what I mean.

            Oh, and to the guy who was in such a major hurry that he found it necessary to push a handicapped girl (i.e.-me) on the steps in a dark theater, I hope you trip and land on Legos.  I nearly fell when you shoved me.  You are just lucky I grabbed the railing.

            I digress.

            The movie itself was fantastic.  It suffers from the major flaw of the other “Lord of the Rings” films, which is that it takes forever for the action to kick in.  Granted, the beginning was beautiful.  It starts off on Bilbo’s birthday (including an extended cameo from Elijah Wood as Frodo) and works its way into the past.  Martin Freeman plays young Bilbo.  If anyone loves BBC programming as much as me, you know Freeman as John Watson from Sherlock.  For a while, that’s all I could see   After a while, I didn’t see that anymore because he looks so much younger in this.  He really captured the character well.  Also from the BBC is Aidan Turner, better known as Mitchell from Being Human.  As if that’s not cool enough, Benedict Cumberbatch is there too!  He’s the Necromancer and Smaug!

            Ian McKellan returns as Gandalf the Grey and he is just as delightful as he was in the trilogy.  He’s got to be on of my favorite actors around.  Hugo Weaving, Cate Blanchett and Christopher Lee also come back for this film.  They have a minimal but pivotal role in the film.  Oh and King Thranduil, the Elf who happens to be the father of Legolas is in the movie too.  The cast was perfect for the film so I applaud the filmmakers for that.  And I can’t forget that man who brought life to Radagast the Brown, Sylvester McCoy.  He’s also from BBC fame since he used to play The Doctor.

            It’s hard to comment on the fight scenes and all the action because what I saw is different from how others saw it.  The higher frame rate made things made things much smoother, but also more fast paced than anything else, which did make it a little hard to follow.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved the HFR, but it took me about 20 minutes to get used to it, then there were scenes that made me very aware that I was watching it.  I had to remind myself that this was a little different from other movies.  For the most part, ther HFR isn’t a problem, except for those few moments where I was acutely aware of it.

            Now, this thing is three hours long, so wear your comfy clothes and use the bathroom before you sit down to watch.  I made the mistake of buying a large soda to drink and trust me, I ran out of the theater.  The thing is, there’s nothing I would take out to make it any shorter.  I like the story of how Erebor was invaded by the dragon, what the Dwarves did when they had nowhere else to go and how Thorin became well…Thorin.  It gives the audience a much better idea of what everyone had to go through to get where they are later.  Having read “The Hobbit” a few times before and I guess I missed some of these things.

            Unfortunately, the next installment won’t be out for another year, so Tolkien fans will just have to wait impatiently for “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” to be released to the world.  I know I can’t wait for it, though, I’m very curious as to how the third film will go since it was going to contain a lot of information from the appendices located in “The Return of the King”.  I like Peter Jackson, I like what’s he done with the franchise and I look forward to see what he has in store for the future.

            “The Hobbit” is an amazing film and needs to be seen.  If you like Tolkien or fantasy films, you will like this.  It does a great job of setting up a story and sticking to it without having numerous side plots.  True, it is really long, but that’s part of the fun of the movie.  My main problem was with the high frame rate because it was distracting at times and the fact that there are fourteen main characters.  It’s hard to tell some of the Dwarves apart because they only show main ones.  Like, you’ll know who Kili is and you’ll know Thorin, Bombur and I think Gloin.

            And if that’s not enough reason to see it, how about having Richard Armitage singing the Misty Mountain song?  The man is sexy and he can sing too.

            Seriously, since it’s midnight release, this movie has already made roughly $95 million.  It’s projected to make about $130 million this weekend alone.  I spent $21 today on tickets alone (the XD 3D HFR is expensive).

            I loved The Hobbit.  I’d like to see it again at regular frame rate.  High frame rate is ok once you are used to it and makes the picture sharper and smoother.  Though it is a little dizzying, I enjoyed it.  If you don’t believe me, ask Mumford what he thinks about the film.  Or ask Kit Kat.  You could even ask Fry.

            The Hobbit has made its way onto my Top 12 of 12 list, which I will be writing soon and posting.  

            Go see The Hobbit.  You will not regret it.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and Thorin Oakenshield is mine!

Top 12 of 12: Worst of

            Hello everyone, it’s December and you know what that means.  It’s time for TheCinemaChick’s annual Best Of/Worst Of lists!  Let’s kick this party off with my worst of list.  Let me remind everyone how this works.  I’ve ranked these twelve movies in order from tolerable to abomination.  Basically, the first film you see will be one that sucked, but I’d be willing to watch it again.  The last film in the list will the one that even I’m ashamed to admit I’ve seen.  With that said, let’s jump into it.

12. Snow White and the Huntsman

            Charlize Theron was amazing in this movie.  Chris Hemsworth was pretty to look at.  Visually, it was stunning.  Let’s face it, Kristen Stewart is incapable of showing emotions and is just one of the worst actors around.  She appeals to me as much as ice hockey.  Overall, it wasn’t all that bad.  If the main actress had been different, it would have been better.  Let’s not forget that this is the film where Kristen Stewart met the man she would cheat on Robert Pattinson with.  

            And oh yes, it’s a complete rip off of the Hayao Miyazaki film “Princess Mononoke”.  Filmmakers admit that they were inspired by it, but there is a huge difference between paying homage to something and copying it.

11. Silent Hill: Revelation

            This movie sucked.  The saving grace is that is has Sean Bean in a recurring role that helped maintain continuity from the first movie and Pyramid Head.  Seriously, I have a twisted little crush on Pyramid Head.  However, another reason I liked it is because it goes from mundane to macabre.  The demented carnival where Alessa is faced once more is pretty cool, along with the final battle between the creepy villainess and Pyramid Head.

            Beyond that, it was another horror movie that lacked action and horror.

10. Red Tails

            I was excited to see this one, until I saw it.  The idea of doing a historical drama over the Tuskegee airmen is a good one.  Had this been done as a documentary, I would have enjoyed it more.  It lacked action, clarity and decent visuals.  Because George Lucas had a hand in this, all the computer animation is very reminiscent of Star Wars.  My main problem was that the movie tried to have too many main characters.  There were five or six of them and I never got their names, so I was confused.  And during the action sequences, there wasn’t much going on.  It was mostly cuts to different actors speaking their dialogue until the fight was over and they went back to base.  I just couldn’t get into it.

9. Dark Shadows

            I felt so horrible about hating this.  It’s a Johnny Depp and Tim Burton collaboration, which normally I love but this…I couldn’t enjoy this.  It was poorly written and just so damn boring.  I hated most of the characters, they left way too many loose ends and there were way too many moments of convenience to satisfy me.  Johnny Depp looked horrendous in his make up.

            Despite all that, it was wonderfully campy, which is what the movie was aiming for.  Helena Bonham Carter was pretty good, the scenery was fairly decent and for what it was worth, it was cute.

8. Gone

            Good lord, this movie was bad.  It was a kidnapping mystery that was so generic is was forgettable.  Amanda Seyfried was trying to break free of her good girl image by playing a mentally unstable girl who goes in search of her sister.  The thing is, I couldn’t get past the stupidity.  She’s mentally ill, which the entire town knows but she still manages to get a gun.  She doesn’t get arrested, even though she admits all her wrongdoings, such as killing someone, stealing a car, breaking and entering.  None of her actions had any consequences and she just walks away.  This was basically a happily ever after story.

            If it hadn’t been so bland, this would have been good.  I don’t think Amanda Seyfried is quite ready for such intense roles, but who am I to judge?

7. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

            Nicholas Cage should really consider retiring from acting.  His last few movies have been bombs and this one was no different.  His acting is subpar, the plot is pretty much paper thin and the continuity from the first film is ruined.  Ghost Rider’s origin story is changed, the rules about being the Ghost Rider apparently changed between films and even then, he’s just pathetic.  Most of the time, Johnny Blaze is whiny and unwilling, not the best thing for a hero.  The villain was not threatening at all but was more of a comic relief.

            I just want to point out that Idris Elba was in this movie and even he failed to make it good.  I regret seeing it in 3D because that was a waste of money.

6. Paranormal Activity 4

            Does this one really need explaining?  It’s like cheating on a term paper.  Copy and pasted nonsense with cheap scares.  And they’re making another one.

            I wish I was joking.

5. Chronicle

            This movie, I think, was geared more towards young men than late 20s women.  I didn’t appeal to me at all, but I can see how guys liked it.  Plus, it was another “found footage” film, which used to be original, but now it’s just lame.  We get it, you want a film to look “real” but this is so obviously fake.  After a while, it just becomes three guys arguing and one going completely insane.  That one ends up using his powers to destroy the city and ends up getting killed.  And the lead up to the major battle is so boring.  A lot of it is one kid and his crappy family.

            Guys, you might like this one, but I sure as hell didn’t.

4. Sinister

            First off, the demon is named Bughuul, which to me sounds like something you’d name it if you couldn’t think of anything else.  Ethan Hawke stars in this movie but he’s so bland he could put an insomniac to sleep.  Once again, it’s a horror movie that fails to deliver the horror.  Almost nothing happens and when it does, it’s just not shocking.  Most of the time, he’s just watching the Super 8 film of old murders or talking to some cop.  Granted, the ending was pretty horrible.  And in this case, I don’t mean it in a “this movie sucked” horrible.

            It turns out Bughuul makes children kill their families.  So one girl ties her family to a tree with some nooses and they are all hanged.  Another child ties and gags her family, then uses a lawn mower to go over them.  One boy ties his family to lawn chairs and pushes them into a pool.  The fact that children are responsible for all of this is incredibly disturbing.  Well played “Sinister”, well played.

3. The Apparition

            I understand that certain actors want to break out of their defining roles, but this is not the film to try that with.  It stars Ashley Greene (Alice from Twilight), Sebastian Stan (Bucky from Captain America) and Tom Felton (Draco from Harry Potter).  This is all about how a psychological experiment goes wrong when they try to bring a demon into this world.  Well, guess what moron, if you bring a demon into the world, it’s going to try and kill you.  Apparently, someone didn’t tell this to this group of geniuses.  For almost the entire film, Alice and Bucky (I’m not going to bother using their character’s names) see weird things going on but do nothing about it.  They argue about it like it can be taken care of that way.

            And to make things better, they bring in Draco, who doesn’t really do anything to help the problem.  And their deaths are just ridiculous.  Draco dies by closet, no joke there.  The ghost drags him into a closet and that’s it.  Bucky just vanishes then appears in a wall.  Not sure how that works out.  Alice walks into a CostCo, which is magically open just for her, sits in a tent and sobs while strange grey hands grab her.  That’s it.  The movie just ends, leaving no feeling of satisfaction or resolution.  This year has been all about disappointments.

2. Magic Mike

            Women flocked to the theaters to see this one.  Sure, it had hot men stripping, but that was such a minute point.  There’s maybe three scenes of stripping while the rest is just boring.  Most of it centers around Channing Tatum trying to get a loan, talking about his love of making furniture, trying to win a girl over and teaching Alex Pettyfer how to be a man whore.  It was pretty boring.  When it’s not excruciatingly dull, it’s just vulgar.  There is a lot of drug use and if you like the F word, there is no shortage of it here.  Seriously, their vocabularies are severely reduced to cursing, sexual banter, drug talk or idle prattle.  Oh, did I mention the giant penis?  Yeah, there’s a scene where a man’s penis is being pumped.  It’s not subtle at all.  And it’s close to the camera so there’s no escaping it.  I have no problem with sexual situations or nudity when it’s done in a tasteful manner, but this…this is just obscene.

            This movie was filth.  I’m ashamed to say I sat through it.  

So, what movie did I absolutely hate with a passion?  What film can top the disgusting content of Magic Mike?  

1. The Devil Inside

            This movie was like a giant middle finger to the movie going populous.  It was basically false advertising.  There was no truth to the story, even though it claimed to be based on an actual event.  I researched this and it’s all a marketing ploy.  Most of the film is absolute crap with multiple exorcisms, most of which seemed unnecessary.  The only thing that added a little interest was the priests.  One of them becomes possessed.  He goes to church to perform an immersion baptism, which is where a baby is completely dipped in water.  He tries to kill the baby but is stopped just in time.  A few minutes later, he commits suicide, which causes the main girl to have a seizure.  It turns out she now has the demon in her.  So remember kids, demons spread like germs.  She is taken to the hospital, because that’s what I’d do when someone is possessed.  When they realize she needs to be taken to a church, she is put in the smallest car imaginable.  A priest, a possessed chick and a camera man go on a road trip.  She touches the camera man and he gets the demon.  The ending is a series of title cards, telling the audience to visit a website

            “The Devil Inside” was crap.  In fact, many critics have dubbed it the worst film of 2012 and I couldn’t agree more.  The “found footage” movement needs to stop and I hope this films disappears from history.  I honestly hate this film more than words can ever express.  

            In fact, this is so bad it almost makes “Liz and Dick” look good.  And that movie was fairly horrible in its own right.

            Honorable mentions for worst of 2012:

            Mirror Mirror: While it was campy, it had its moments.  Snow White was a better role model and she was able to fend for herself, but overall, it just didn’t do anything for me.  It could have been better.

            Wrath of the Titans: It was just laughable.  It’s so bad its funny.

            So there you go fellow cinephiles!  My top 12 of 12: Worst of edition.  I will be working on my Best Of list soon, but I am waiting to write it.  See, I’m going to see The Hobbit with Fry on Saturday.  Since I’m amped to see it, it might be a last minute entry to my list.  Don’t get me wrong, the list is written but not set in stone.

            Let’s share!  What are your worst films this year?  What did you absolutely hate?  Let me know!  Tweet me @TheCinemaChick or send me an email TheCinemaChick@yahoo.com.  I’m not mean and I promise I won’t bite.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I love rock and roll.

Breaking up with Breaking Dawn

            Hello to one and all who still occasionally tune into my blog!  I’m TheCinemaChick and I like to talk about movies I hate…and love.  Now, I know I promised a vlog with a bunch of my girls but as you can see, that didn’t happen.  We did go to the last Twilight marathon and things just didn’t go as planned.  I will fully take the blame for what happened because this whole thing was my idea.  For the sake of everyone involved, I won’t go into what I did to screw up so bad.  And as you can see, I’m not doing a vlog alone either.  Well…guess who managed to catch the flu when we have weather that’s in the low to mid 80s?  Yeah, that’s right, I did.  So because I’m not feeling so hot (which is ironic considering I have a fever), I’m writing this one.

           So, even though it’s about two or three weeks late, let’s jump into the “worldwide phenomenon” and its “epic finale”.  I use the phrases loosely because when I think of epics, I don’t think of Twilight.  I think of Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and Les Miserables and On The Road.  To me, the whole Twilight fad is a pop culture icon, but not a literary classic.  Let me phrase it this way: If you are a die hard Twilight fan, by all means, be one.  Just give the rest of us a chance to explain why we either hate it or don’t care for it as much.

            Also…Robert Pattinson hates Twilight.  While on that subject, I just want to get something off my chest.  Why would you take a role if you absolutely loathed it?  I wonder if he did it just for the money, which I’ll admit is probably a good reason since it’s made billions overall.  Also, if you hate the character of Edward Cullen so much, you’d made another major mistake because you are no forever branded as that one character.  To me, taking this role, despite your personal feelings for it makes you a sell out.  And it’s not like he did it to make Kristen Stewart happy.  She cheated on him with a director twice her age.

            Enough of my personal dislike of certain things.

            “Breaking Dawn Part Two” is the end of the series.  It picks up right where the last one left off..  However, there are some really, really long opening credits to sit through first.  Ok, it’s one giant metaphor for Bella’s change.  It’s just time progression shots of things being frozen.  Seriously, this lasts for about four minutes.  Interesting note though, this is the only Twilight film to even have opening credits.  Once that is finally over, it goes straight to Bella waking up.  Let me dive straight into one of my main problems now and get it over with.

            Every Twilight film has the same exact layout, a four act play of blandness.  Nothing happens for the first two acts, major action in the third act and the final act is Bella and Edward in some kind of romantic setting.  That’s great for maybe two films but this seriously last for almost the entire series.  The only exception is the first installment of Breaking Dawn because it involves Bella’s death.  Would it have killed them to mix it up a little?  I know the books are the same way, but take some artistic license with the text to make it more interesting.

            Now, the first act of this movie is Bella learning to be a vampire, which I’ll admit, I found pretty cool.  We get to see how they see.  So she sees every fiber on the carpet and all the dust in the air.  When she goes on her first hunt, we see her at normal vampire speed, but then the frame slows down to show the audience how it seems so slow to them, but fast to us.  But, after this, it goes back to mundane.  I couldn’t believe Kristen’s acting when she was supposed to beat up Jacob for imprinting on her mutant offspring.  And before you get upset at that, Reneesme is a mutant.  She’s half human, half vampire.

            You know how people say Kristen Stewart always looks constipated?  Well…I hate to say this, but it’s even worse during this scene.  The way she curls her lips, the intense look in her eyes…I’ll let you use your imagination as to what I’m getting at.

           Once that’s over, she just accepts it like its no big deal.  Good lord, Bella has worse mood swings than me…oh wait, I take medication for mine.  But still, after this, it’s just them being vampires, accepting werewolves in their life, montage of the child growing into like an eight year old.

            Oh!  Another thing I want to touch on.  Since the child ages so fast, the film makers used both real babies and CGI to create Reneesme.  When Bella first holds her daughter, it looks creepy.  It’s clearly fake but the face disturbs me.  It just looks sinisiter to me.  I love children, don’t get me wrong, but this fake baby…hell no.  Although, I imagine potty training was a breeze with her.  Plus, her power is kind of cool.  She can project her memories into the minds of others.  It is sort of a combination between Edward and Bella.  But yes, CGI babies are creepy.

            **I am skipping some parts of the movie because they did not seem relevant to me and I am not comfortable discussing them.  There are more sex scenes between Edward Bella, as well as some sexual banter between Emmet and Bella.  Once again, this movie is aimed at teens.  I don’t like this stuff being added in there, even though I know it’s in the book**

            Then we have Bella and Reneesme playing in the snow.  Jacob, for some reason, is in his wolf form.  Irina, who is a member of the Denali clan and furious that Laurent was killed, shows up and sees this.  Convinced the Cullens have broken a major rule, she goes straight to the Volturi.  You see, in this world, immortal children are not allowed.  According to Carlisle, if a child is turned, it stops developing mentally.  They are careless and a single tantrum could destroy a village.  Knowing their entire family is in danger, they go to enlist people to help them.  This is also the time when Alice and Jasper leave. 

            Here’s another problem I have with this film.  There are so many vampires brought it that they don’t really get a proper introduction.  It’s basically another montage, saying here’s this person, from this place and this is there power.  The Irish coven doesn’t get introduced!  They’re just there.  The nomads don’t get names either.  The only ones I remember are Garrett, Alistair (because he leaves) and Benjamin (only because I like Rami Malek).  Beyond that, I don’t remember anyone.  They don’t get a chance to shine on their own.  So, once we have all the vampires in one place, we see Bella learning to use her powers to help everyone.

            Bella’s power is that she is a shield, so she can deflect any attack.  In the literary world, we call that a “deus ex machina” or a “god machine”.  She just happens to have the one power that will save them all from the Volturi?  Oh yeah, Aro, Marcus and Caius have decided to investigate this whole thing personally, so that’s why everyone is gathered in Forks.  I have trouble believing this girl, who could barely protect herself for the entire series, is suddenly the MVP of vampires.  Ah well, more on that in a moment.

            So, finally the time comes for the epic battle.  This was NOT in the books, which I thought was pretty cool.  There really is a full on battle with major character deaths.  I really don’t want to spoil the surprise because it really was a huge shock to me.  For now, I will say that two beloved vampires are killed and two werewolves die.  And yes, the Volturi gets destroyed.  And yes, Bella uses her powers during this, but it’s almost useless.  She can’t use it unless she’s standing still, leaving her wide open for an attack.  I will chalk that one up to the fact that she’s barely gotten to train so she doesn’t quite know how to use them yet.  At the same time, she woke up and was already the perfect vampire, so I think she could have used her shield better.

            For that matter, when Jane is torturing a Cullen (who is killed) why didn’t Bella help him?  She helped Edward the whole time, but when this guy, her brother in law, is in trouble, she does nothing for him.  I’m just saying.

            Even though the battle was pretty badass, it was a total cop out.  I’ll admit, I was grabbing Terra and screaming at the screen when I first saw it because it was a huge shock.  How could these beloved characters die like this?  Then…it’s all a lie.  Everyone’s fine, no one gets hurt and the Volturi leave.  Then we have the obligatory romantic scene with Edward and Bella, the end credits, which mention every character that has ever been given a line in the entire series.  

            Overall, it’s was just ok.  It has horrible pacing, the humor fails on most parts, unless its Aro.  Seriously, if you’ve seen it, you know about his freaky laugh and the whole “You have a strange heartbeat” thing.  And yeah, when everyone has accepted that Jacob imprinted on Reneesme, Jacob asks Edward if he should call him Dad.  The answer is a firm “No.”  Beyond that, it wasn’t that great.  The battle was amazing and I would love to just watch that again, but because it didn’t actually happen, I can’t look at it the same way.  The ending was so sweet; I think my blood sugar shot up.  “Nobody’s ever loved anybody as much as I love you”.  Really?  No one talks like that…as far as I know.

            I wanted to like it because I had bought into the hype, but once again, I just didn’t care for the generic love story with the supernatural mixed in.  I don’t like Bella, I don’t like Edward and most of the other characters are ignored.  While I do not support a sequel to this movie (it might happen) or a television series (it might happen), I would approve of some prequels.  Tell us more about the lesser Cullens. Show us how Alice became a vampire, because she honestly has one of the most interesting stories in the whole series.  This most likely won’t happen though.  Oh well.  Here’s the end of the Twilight saga everyone.

            That’s really all I have to say right now.  I’m working on being a little better with my reviews.  I’m gearing up for my “Top 12 of 12” and “Worst 12 of 12” lists.  Trust me, there were a lot o bombs this year.  Beyond that, I have no plans to see more films.  I will see “The Hobbit” when it comes out and maybe a few more things.  I’m aiming for fifty new releases this year.  Stay tuned for so much more, lovely readers.

            I’m TheCinemaChick and I broke a key off my keyboard.