The Twilight Rant Part 4: Eclipse

Greetings to you, you lovely reader of my blog.  I’m TheCinemaChick and once again, Kit Kat and I are bringing you Part Four of the Twilight Rant.  Today we present our thoughts on Eclipse, why Bella is still a failure as a person and why we both love Jasper.  I’m currently in the middle of a huge review day, so if I seem distracted or uninterested, for once, it’s not just because it’s Twilight.  I’m also typing up my Fright Night review and doing my Terrance Zdunich article.  Busy CinemaChick is busy.  Say good day to the people, Kit Kat.

Hey there everyone. I’m Kit Kat and I’m ready to dive right in as always. And maybe cause a little chaos along the way. Let’s get the party started CinemaChick.

Eclipse starts out in Seattle on a dark and stormy night.  How cliché.  This is where we unofficially meet Riley.  He’s just an unassuming guy walking through the city when Victoria attacks and turns him.  It should be dramatic, but it does lose something for me.  It’s like…why do I care?  I know he’ll come into play later but for now, so what?  I don’t even think they show that it is Victoria who turns him, it’s just assumed.

Yeah, I mean, I like that they actually show Riley and we get this tiny glimpse of his human life before he is turned and we see how he is turned. But, this goes back to my age old argument. The only way you’d know it was Victoria that was doing this is if you had read the books. The audience that hasn’t read the books has no way to know how that opening scene plays into the story unless they play connect the dots with the previews that had been playing on tv.

And I try to base this review on a “I did not read the books” point of view.  I am taking everything at face value and only look at the movies.  When this lovely scene is over, we start the movie.  Once again, we are in that freaking meadow, listening to another freaking voiceover where Bella manages to make one of my favorite poems sound like crap.  She and Edward have the stupid “marry me, turn me” talk while she’s trying to study for a final.  Sorry folks, there’s no way I can be nice about this.  We’ve opened every movie in almost the same manner.  I know this is a series but for the love of caffeine, does it have to be this repetitive?

I’m in full agreement. You don’t have to do the same scenes over and over to get it across they are in the same place. We KNOW where they are and we know it’s a series of movies. How about changing it up just a bit? Besides, I still believe no one knows the reason they keep having scenes in the exact same meadow over and over again. I doubt that they will ever throw in that tidbit of info.

Kit Kat, do you know why they keep going to the same meadow over and over?  I would seriously like to know.

Well, I know the reason from the books. I happen to be one of the many that read the series BEFORE seeing the movies. That meadow is “Edward’s meadow”. He doesn’t own it or anything but in the books he mentions that he always came out there for peace and quiet. That was something key that Edward needed because he could constantly hear people’s voices in his head all the time. To have a place to go to where he didn’t hear anything but his own thoughts would be helpful. Hell, I’d have gone insane if I didn’t have a place like that myself if I were in his place.

After this lovely little pastoral scene, we go to the police station where Charlie is investigating a missing person.  From the picture on the post he has, we learn now that the man being attacked in the prologue was Riley Biers. 

FORESHADOWING! 

This is also where we learn that Bella has a free plane ticket to Florida to see her mother, which Charlie encourages her to use.  She agrees…so long as Edward goes with her.  Well, I have to admit, Renee makes some comments that I agree with.  Bella’s mom knows how intense and borderline abusive this relationship is and she’s not even in Forks!  Bella, if your absent mother notices this, why can’t you?

Of course, the only reason Charlie learns of the tickets to Florida is because Edward mentions that they will expire soon. Now, hmmm…why would Edward do something like that I wonder? Well, we aren’t left wondering for long. We cut back to the rest of his family in Forks who is out (you guessed in) in the forest. Alice is seeming to be the leader because she had a vision. She keeps mentioning that this is where she saw this vague “her”. Then, they jump to action and this is where they see that Victoria has tried to make a move and they try to capture her and kill her. Throw in a few artistic jumps, dives and misses for a little “flair” and you have the race to the “ravine” where they show the wolves running along the other side.

Here’s my reaction to this scene: “OH MY GOD!  We get to have a scene without Edward OR Bella?  Thank you cinematic gods!”

We get a nice actiony scene with the Cullens and the wolves, along with some tense moments where Emmet does cross the boundaries.  One of the wolves (Paul, I think) knocks him into the water as a warning.  

My reaction to that: “Fanservice!  Dripping wet Kellan Lutz goodness!  The movie is not a complete loss!”

But of course. I’m very happy to see Jasper get a little more face time with his careful maneuvering. A very nice change up. Lucky for me, I know there is more.

After, this scene we (unfortunately) jump right back into the Edward/Bella scenes. Edward is driving Bella to school and you can see he’s not happy. Then again, when does he? In any case, he asks if Bella will stay in the car, a pointless question, as they spot Jacob Black in the parking lot leaning against his motorcycle. This is where we find out another little bit about Edward. He’s a liar. Yup, he lied about a vision Alice had in the beginning of the movie, got Bella to go to Florida all so she’d be safer from Victoria who was trying to make a move. Jacob seems to be the one that more concerned with her safety than lying to Bella to keep her from being scared. I kinda like that.

Can I please, please, PLEASE go a little full on ranty for a moment with this one Kit Kat?  I’ve been good so far, so I just want one moment…

*Thinks about it* Just a sec. *Goes and gets the lasso and duct tape and comes back* That way I can pull you back later. *Hides behind a rock* Go for it.

*clears throat*

Look, I know millions of teen girls are out there loving this relationship, but lets look at the facts.  It’s abusive.  Edward damn near controls everything she does, has alienated her from her human friends, has caused her massive physical harm, lied to her, works hard to keep her away from Jacob and let’s not forget HE UP AND ABANDONED HER!  Someone look at this and tell me what makes this a healthy relationship.  I don’t think someone loves you if he throws you into a wall, through a table and causes you to get stitches.  Keep in mind, this is after he ditches you in a forest.  I cannot sit back and pretend I’m ok with this whole thing when I’m not.  Edward is controlling and manipulative.  Bella would have been better off with Mike since he’s not as possessive.  Besides, she basically gives the finger to her entire family so she can kill herself in order to become a vampire to live with the first boy who pays attention to her.  Hell, Jacob wanted her to have a life, not die.

Bella is a teenager.  No one knows what they want when they are that age but she thinks she knows everything.  Congratulations Bella Swan, you’re a complete failure as a female and possibly one of the WORST female role models to ever exist.  Because of you, little girls think this kind of relationship is ideal.

*Goes over and ties CinemaChick to a chair* I’ll let you out when we are done. Just kidding everyone.

But she does make valid points. I won’t go back into the whole thing but there are better choices to be made with the way they have set up the movie. When I read the books, I didn’t envision that it would be like this at all. Either I was being naive or they took it too far.

In any case, let’s get back on track.

After Edward’s lie is revealed things oddly go on as normal…well, as normal as this series ever gets. Apparently, Bella is either very forgiving, or she has short term memory loss that she needs to get checked by a doctor since she isn’t angry at Edward anymore for what he did. Literally,  LEAVES THE SCHOOL to go hang out with Jacob. Um, excuse me…but I think ditching school because of a boy is yet another message we don’t want to send to the younger generation of girls.

Great…tied to a chair…still better than watching Twilight again.

Bella goes and spends some time with the wolves.  We’re also introduced to two new ones, Seth and Leah, the children of the Clearwater who died in New Moon.  Leah…well, she’s a bitch.  I can’t think of another way to put it and it’s not a pun.  She’s just so annoying.  Seth is also annoying but he’s annoying in the cute little brother who’s way to eager to get involved way.  I like Seth.  He’s cute. 

So, Jacob declares his love for Bella and kisses her.  I would call this the rape kiss.  She didn’t want it, he forced it and I agree with her.  He deserved to get punched though I laughed when she broke her hand on his face.

I laughed a bit too after I flinched. The sound was painful to hear.

When they get back to Bella’s house a furious Edward is waiting. How? There are too many assumptions to make to figure out how he knew so I’m skipping it. But they start to get into a fight and Charlie has to come out and break it up. And he gives one of the funniest facials of the movie. That flinch when he hears that Jacob kissed Bella and then she broke her hand when she tried to punch him. I started laughing cause even he knew that for Jacob to do that to Bella and think that Edward wouldn’t be furious was insane.

So, of course, Bella gets her speech about how she’s neutral territory like Switzerland before she goes with Edward back to his house so they can get her hand checked out.

So, ALL of this leads up to her high school graduation.  Alice has a party, where she has a vision.  Of course, things can’t ever go as planned and Jacob shows up with Embry and Quil.  Apparently, when someone punches you in the face it means you are no longer invited to a party but Jacob missed that memo.  Of course, the vision tells Alice that an army of newborns are planning on coming for Bella in the next few days.  Horror of all horrors, the Cullens and the werewolves must now work together.  Um…most of the wolves don’t really care about Bella.  It’s just Jacob.  I understand them wanting to fight for the sake of killing vampires but really?  How is the dull as paint drying girl getting all this attention?  And what happened to the party?  Did everyone leave or are they hiding or was there a time skip?

There is just a lot of bad editing in this movie hun. If we went on that track, we’d be here all day and I have a life. Of course, after all of this, we find out that Riley snuck into Bella’s house and steals one of her shirts as the scent for the newborns to follow. And I know this next part makes you happy hun. When we get a scene WITHOUT Edward and Bella. We get to see interactions between Riley and Victoria and how Victoria is totally pulling Riley’s strings. And then later we finally get to see the Volturi looking over Riley and the others and trying to decide what to do. They are well aware that Aro’s thoughts are being watched.

If the Volturi pretty much run the vampire world, why are they allowing Victoria to create an army?  If this isn’t a concern to them, what is?   Yeah we have Jane and the younger ones but that’s it.  Next thing you know, we’re off to a training montage with the Cullens.  So, the vampires and werewolves learn how to fight while Bella just stands there.  

*struggles against the duct tape and chair*

See?  She’s useless!  Utterly and completely, 100% useless!  They won’t even train her to fight in case she needs it in the future!

It’s ok hun. I promise to let you rant later…if you’ll let me rant right now.

Well since you tied me to a chair, there’s nothing I can do to stop you, so go ahead.

*Evil grins*

Ok my turn.

I know we skipped over a few scenes that weren’t with Bella AND Edward but they were so glossed over it hardly matters. The only one is the story she learns from the Quileutes about the Third Wife that sacrifices herself to save her husband during a vampire attack. (Remember this one kiddies, Bella will use this later to do something stupid.) But my rant comes in with the Jasper training scene. Everyone knows I’m team Jasper all the way and this was his one big scene where he was the leader, getting to call the shots. Yeah he finally gets to tell his story when the training is over but it’s all so glossed over unless it’s leads into a scene for more of Kristen Stewart’s bad acting. They could have done so much more with the scene but apparently the nearly abusive love triangle is more important than developing the other characters.

I have to agree with you there, Kit Kat.  Jasper has an incredibly interesting story but it lasts about five minutes.  Out of all the Cullens, his is possibly the most interesting one there is but it’s so condensed that it doesn’t have any emotional impact.  

Here’s an idea.  After Breaking Dawn, let’s have a separate spin off.  Let’s have the story of Jasper Hale before he became a vampire.  Give me his back story because THAT I would watch and be interested in.  Hell, give me something with emotion and feelings that doesn’t have anything to do with Bella and Edward.  I would welcome a Rosalie prequel at this point. 

After all this, we have a scene where I actually laughed.  Edward, Jacob, Jasper and Bella are discussing how to hide her scent when they hide her on a mountain (great idea there) and it’s suggested that Jacob carry her since his scent would overpower hers.  Jacob gets offended when he hears that he stinks like a dog to which Jasper refers to it as his “odor.”  I like Jasper’s reaction to this and his playful expression.  Then it just gets all emo and love triangle again and I lose interest.

And that is why I love Jasper. The problem is, that his growth in the series has been completely overshadowed. Just as it has been for all the characters other than Jacob, Bella and Edward.

So, off to the rest of the emoness.

Bella, rubs her scent on everything, she meets up with Jacob and Edward, and Jacob carries off Bella towards the mountains where they will meet up with Edward. They have a little chit chat about him turning down his buy in to be the pack leader. (Can you tell I’m getting bored? And I liked the books… *sigh*)

So, Jacob ends up having to stay up there with them so he can trade out in the morning with Seth who’s gonna stick around so they can know what’s going on in the battle. However , a snow storm blows through and Bella starts to freeze…not that it’d be a bad thing save for the fact they couldn’t make two more movies. Edward doesn’t like it but Jacob gets to slide into Bella’s sleeping bag and be her “space heater” to keep her warm.

Which ultimately leads to the films climax.  Honestly, if this is the climax, every actor in the movie is faking it.  It’s supposed to be this epic battle of newborns against Cullens and werewolves.  The scene keeps getting interrupted by shots of Edward giving Bella the play by play which detracts from the fight.  Then, the movie abandons the fight altogether and stays on the mountain because Riley and Victoria move in to attack Bella.  Riley gets killed by Seth while Edward and Victoria fight.  The camera angles here make it hard to follow, basically again, making it boring.  Victoria’s death isn’t dramatic or anything, it just happens.  End of battle, thank you for coming.  

This is supposed to be a huge deal and it was ruined!  I don’t mean a little but totally.  I wanted more fighting, more tension and got nothing.  It’s like going out with a hot guy then hearing he only wants to be friends.  Disappointing. 

I think all of this would have been better if they’d done nothing but show the fight going on below, maybe with a little voice over by Edward once in a while. That would have helped a little. Then, they could have jumped into the Victoria and Riley battle.

In any case, they come back down the mountain because the fight is over but Alice sees that Jane is coming so they tell the wolves to leave. However, one newborn has survived the attack and goes after Leah. But Jacob stupidly dives in and gets seriously wounded. The other wolves have to carry him out in a hurry while the Cullens and Bree the newborn that surrendered wait for Jane to arrive.

Let’s talk about Bree for a moment.  She was not in the original series, but she has her own book “The Second Short Life of Bree Tanner”.  I have not read this book nor do I really intend to.  Fry have given me the overview and they tried to work this character into the story.  Well, if you didn’t know that was Bree Tanner, would you even know who she is?  They never say her name or explain her importance.  She’s just there, the only newborn who seems to show sympathy.  After the “battle” the Volturi make the decision to kill her.  Come one Carlisle, you could have fought harder than the lame argument you put up once.

Thank goodness, we’re almost done and then Kit Kat can untie me from the chair.

Before the Volturi leave, they have to be convinced again that the date is set for Bella to become a vampire.

After all of that, we jump back over to Bella showing up at Jacob’s house where Carlisle is just leaving from tending to his many broken bones. Those two have a little heart to heart about how they love each other but Bella loves Edward more. So Bella leaves on that “happy” little note and we are back in the same friggin field with Bella and Edward discussing the wedding plans because Bella had decided to agree to marry Edward so he would be the one to turn her. Of course Bella, wanted something in return. Yep, she wanted some hanky panky with Edward on the honeymoon. For whatever reason, he agrees and places the ring back on her finger.

And we end with Bella saying they have to do something really dangerous: Tell Charlie.

Lame joke, movie, lame freaking joke.

On a positive note, the movie ends there!  The bad news, Breaking Dawn will be released in a matter of months so Twilight fever will once again sweep through the nation and I’ll have to put up with the Twilight crap in Hot Topic and all the damn trailers on television.

And we will have to do another review. Don’t worry CinemaChick. I’ll help you through it…once I get you out of that chair. *Goes over and starts trying to untie her*

Oh good. I thought she was going to leave me here.

So there we go, that’s our view on Eclipse.  All we have left now is our thoughts and predictions for Breaking Dawn then I am done with this series!  No offense to you Twilight fanatics out there but I can’t stand them.  Let’s say our goodbyes, then I’m going to work on yet another review.  It might be a four in one day for me.

Well, now that I have freed CinemaChick I’ll say my goodbye. This is Kit Kat. No movie is too good or too bad for a review. Better watch out cause I’ll be back when you least expect it.

And I’m TheCinemaChick saying, I’m going to start a vlog soon.  Get ready for “Parking Lot Reviews.”