What is
happening good people of the world wide interwebs? I am the often imitated, never duplicated
cineaste (I just learned that word. It
means devotee of movies and films). You
may simply call me TheCinemaChick. I am
once again slacking with my duties as a reviewer but let’s hope I catch up to
speed soon. I’ve got two films I need to
write about but I think I will start with the one that is still fresh in my
mind. It’s hard to believe it’s
currently number one at the box office, but then again, there has been nothing
good out since Les Misérables. We are nearing the end of January and there
hasn’t really been anything that’s jumped out at me. Sadly, in an act of desperation, I went to
see “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters”.
It was
just so…underwhelming.
Did
film makers learn nothing from “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”? There are some things that just don’t mix,
like former presidents and vampires.
Then again, I suppose a huge clue that this movie wouldn’t exceed my
expectations was when I saw that it is an MTV film. Yes, you read that right. And to make everything even better, Will Ferrell
is one of the executive producers. When I saw that, I thought maybe there would
be a few half decent jokes tossed in, but no.
I was sorely mistaken. What I got
was a jumbled, unclear, near plot less pile of magic and guns. As much as this film was hyped, it was just a
complete letdown.
Ok,
first off, there is a rumor about this one.
Most of the people signed on because they liked the script, which makes
me question Jeremy Renner’s choice in film.
Some liked the concept of dark, twisted fairy tales, which I
understand. Then we come to the main
villain of this gory little flick, Famke Janssen. She plays Muriel, the big, bad witch of the
woods. Apparently, she agreed to do the
film because she needed money. How
desperate are you that you agree to be in an MTV produced film about candy
houses and witches? And from what I’ve
read from various online sources, that’s a fact. She really did sign on just for the
money. Now, she claims that was her
initial reason, but she later states she actually liked the script. Come on, just admit you’re embarrassed about
this one and move along.
Sadly,
I think the script is the whole reason this film is so incredibly bad. First off, judging by the clothes worn by the
townspeople in Augsberg, Germany (where the story is set), I’d guess they were
in the late 1800s, possibly early 1900s.
Why are they talking like its modern day? Also, how come Hansel and Gretel are the only
ones without accents? Why do they dress
in all leather? I’d also like to point
out that Hansel is diabetic and injects himself with what I assume is insulin
frequently. Well, since insulin was
manufactured for use until 1921, I’m assuming its around that time. But that just raises further questions. If it is indeed the 20s and it’s Germany, I’m
fairly certain no one still lived in a medieval village in the middle of the
woods like that. It just doesn’t make
sense!
Ok, I
get that this is a fantasy movie, so obviously I should lighten up and not take
this film so seriously but you know what?
Those actors and that film crew took it seriously! Seriously, if you’re going to make a movie
that you want people to enjoy, don’t be so lazy. And I want to go on record as saying this: I
don’t care how hardcore you are, there is no reason to throw an F bomb in at
random times when it is clearly not needed.
This goes back to my anachronism issues.
The village people sort of sound like turn of the century townsfolk, but
then there’s Hansel and Gretel, who sound like they’ve just flown in from
Philadelphia. It is established that
they lived not too far from this village, so how come they don’t have accents?
While I’m
ranting a bit, how did they survive in the woods alone? The first ten minutes are sort of like the
fairy tale. They are abandoned in the
forest by their father and stumble upon a house made of candy. The witch inside tries to fatten them up but instead
ends up getting pushed into the oven and burning to death. Well, that’s about the only thing that makes
sense. According to this version, Hansel
ate so much sweets when he stayed with the witch (the duration of this stay is
unknown) that he contracted diabetes.
Second of all, the witch hurls fireballs at Gretel who escapes completely
unharmed. That is explained later in the
film, but it becomes extremely obvious about halfway through. Even more obvious if you pay attention when
they keep repeating “Magic has no effect on us”. Then, they hold hands and WATCH THE WITCH SCREAM
AS SHE DIES! I don’t care how
fantastical this is supposed to be, that is sick.
I think
it’s about 20 years that passes and they come back. So…Hansel went from being like 10 to being
about 40? Seems legit. Sure, a cute little boy grew up into Jeremy
Renner and some little girl became Gemma Arterton (who I have never heard of)
For a
movie about two people hunting witches, there is a surprising lack of witch
hunting. Seriously, there’s a trial in
the beginning, and most of it comes towards the end. Between those two events, it’s a lot of back
and forth, bad humor and oh yes, graphic nudity. Yup, this isn’t a fairy tale for the
kiddies. Well, the overuse of foul
language and excessive blood should have been a clue.
Ok, I
have to get this out of the way because it really irks me to no end. And yes, I used to word irks. Get over it.
Gretel is supposed to be this tough as nails chick who can hunt and kill
witches without batting an eye. Well,
when she’s paired with Hansel, this is true.
When her brother isn’t nearby, she is almost completely useless. She gets knocked out twice, once during an
invasion where 2 witches free a third one.
That one I can forgive because Muriel the boss (Janssen) is really
powerful. The second time, she is
confronted by some men, led by the Sheriff.
She barely puts up a fight and gets beaten severely before a troll saves
her. Seriously? She couldn’t like grab a branch and smack
them around or at least throat punch them?
Nope. Damsel in distress.
By the
way, the troll’s name is Edward.
Feel
free to pause momentarily and laugh really hard. I’ll wait.
Finished? Good.
Let’s continue.
The
film’s climax is a showdown between Hansel and Mina (a white witch) and…pretty
much every evil witch in Germany. So two
people with enchanted weapons take down around I don’t know, let’s say 15 or
more witches? Yeah. That’s plausible. Of course, Edward helps, Gretel is freed
after almost becoming a sacrifice. Ok, here’s
another problem. The witches want to
become immune to fire since so many of them have been burned at the stake. In order to complete the ritual, they need
the heart of a white witch, which as it conveniently turns out, Gretel is. Well, Muriel seems to know that Mina is a
white witch, so why not just kill her?
Well, Muriel dies, Hansel and Gretel get paid and move on with their
life, taking Edward and a kid named Ben with him on their journeys.
Overall,
this movie was a failure. It didn’t take
itself seriously, so it came off as half-baked and almost like a joke. I know it’s a fantasy, but I want to be so
enraptured that I feel like it’s real.
This…well, this obviously did not do that for me. The costumes were good, the music rocked and
Jeremy Renner topless was not a bad sight.
However, if you’re going to make a film like this, don’t cheapen it with
lame jokes. I could have done without
the full frontal nudity of Mina. I sort
of knew this wouldn't be the best film around going into it, but I didn’t
expect it to be so bad. And yes, I know
it topped the charts this weekend but honestly, it didn’t really have any
competition. “Movie 43” didn't stand a
chance and “Mama” isn’t the best film around.
I do
have higher hopes for this coming weekend.
“Warm Bodies” a quasi-romantic zombie movie film is coming out. Sylvester Stallone is somehow coming out with
another action movie called “Bullet to the Head” and Christopher Walken gives
us “Stand Up Guys”. While it’s still not
the best selection around, trust me, it’s a much needed improvement over
January. However, February shows a lot
of promise. I guess I should do a
monthly feature about what to see in each month. Well, that statement was redundant.
What do
you think? Would you like to know what’s
coming out every month? Maybe you’d like
to know my suggestions or predictions for them.
I don’t know, you tell me what I should do next.
I’m excited
because tonight I’m attending my first pre-screening event. This is different from a sneak peek. A pre-screening is when we get to see the
film and provide feedback. The film is
then edited to suit the audience’s wants and released later. A sneak peek is just seeing a movie a week
early. I cannot give away any details
about this film because of legal issues.
Well,
that’s a wrap for now guys. “Hansel and
Gretel: Witch Hunters” ranks pretty low on my list. I’d say…dollar theater. Don’t bother with full price, even though it
is extremely obvious they want people to see this in 3D. Just save yourself the time and money.
I’m
TheCinemaChick and I’m the Avenger you didn't see on screen.
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