One for all and all for Orlando Bloom!

            Hey guys, it’s your friendly local movie critic, TheCinemaChick.  As a warning, I’m not in the best of moods and I’m not going to censor what I say like I normally do.  See, in order to keep this whole thing PG rated or lower, I keep my cursing to a minimum.  Like I said, right now, I don’t care.  I’m annoyed because I recently found out two of my closest friends don’t read this.  It hurts because they know how much I love doing this and how this blog is one of the most important things to me.

            Plus, there’s the whole “damn near no one reads this shit” aspect.

            Enough of my bitching.  You’re here because you expect a review.  Well, I’m not going to bother with Johnny English Reborn because it is nothing more than a stupid comedy.  That’s not to say it was bad, which it wasn’t.  It’s just a lighthearted piece of fluff full of laughs that I greatly enjoyed.  I haven’t seen the first one and I’ll admit, I didn’t know about the first movie until the second one came out.  If you want something that won’t require you to think, see it.  It’s got some great jokes and visual puns that are highly enjoyable.  

            Now, the real reason for this post.  While I did see Paranormal Activity 3 and Johnny English Reborn on Friday, I saw The Three Musketeers on Saturday.  Fry and Butterfly joined me.  We opted for a 3D showing since that was the only time we could all agree on.  Sadly, it doesn’t seem to be doing well at the box office, which is a shame.  True, it looks like it’s bad but to be honest, it is.

            Wait a second.

            It’s corny, cheesy and the cast was horrible, but it was that kind of movie that’s so bad it’s enjoyable.  The dialogue is seriously terrible.  Whoever wrote it wasn’t trying to keep it canon to the book at all.  There were some awful jokes thrown in there.  What made it worse is that every time the characters had a conversation, I felt like there was a reference to another movie.  For instance, D’Artagnan (played by a horribly miscast Logan Lerman) makes a comment to Rochefort apologizing to his horse.  Maybe it’s just me, but I immediately thought of a Hidalgo reference.  The sad thing is, the horse apology comes back into play at the end of the movie.  It’s almost like everyone used modern language in a historic setting, which is never a good idea.

            While I’ve got Logan Lerman on my mind, who’s bright idea was it to cast him?  The Three Musketeers is set in France, a fact that is mentioned repeatedly.  I can understand most of the cast having British accents but Lerman makes no effort to even try to be European.  He’s just a plain old American guy stuck in a bunch of English actors, which bothers me.  The movie has a specific setting, so at least fake a British accent to make it more believable.  It didn’t work for Kirsten Dunst in Marie Antoinette (which could have been such a magnificent film if someone else had been cast) and it didn’t work here.

            I’ll give Lerman some credit.  His fight scenes were excellent, but I wish he’d made more of an effort to actually be the character, not some actor pretending to act like a fictional character.

            Logan Lerman, I’ll give you another shot.  However, if you screw up The Perks of Being a Wallflower, we’re done.  I love that book and I’m already scared to see how bad it’s going to be screwed up.  However, you are doing Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters.  Because I love that series, I’ll forgive your poor performance in The Three Musketeers a tiny bit, but not much.  You’re still on probation with me.

            Well damn, I forgot what else I wanted to touch on…let’s move on to Orlando Bloom.  This man SHOULD have been in the movie more.  The film runs a good hour and fifty minutes, but Bloom appears for maybe twenty minutes total.  It’s a shame because he’s so good.  It’s his first role (that I know of) where he plays a villain.  Bloom was over the top, almost bad for you kind of way.  His performance was so rich it’s like warm chocolate cake.  Ok, bad analogy.  My point is, he’s freaking perfection in this!  While the entire movie had the over the top feel, he managed to capture it the best.  He plays Buckingham, the man who’s trying to bring down the king of France.  Bloom oozes cockiness, arrogance and a slight hint of sexuality that makes sure he steals every scene he’s in.

            Like I said, the movie is bad, but it’s so bad it’s good.  I’m sad that it won’t do well because it is a visual treat.  The 3D was actually worth it this time and as you all know, I normally don’t care for it.  The costumes were pretty accurate, the settings were brilliant and despite being in a foul mood while watching it, I enjoyed it.

            Yeah, the CGI is pathetic and it’s obvious when the actors are on a set and when they are in front of a green screen.  You’d think production would try to make that look good, but no.  

            The worst thing about the movie?  It sets itself up for a sequel.  Yeah, I’m not kidding about that and I apologize for that spoiler.  If it means more of Orlando Bloom’s flamboyant acting, I’m all for it.  Give me less Logan Lerman.

            I’d say check out The Three Musketeers during a matinee showing and go ahead and swing a 3D showing.  But what do I know?  I’m just some chick who reviews movies as a hobby.  That’s putting my degree in English to great use.

            I do apologize for my bad mood tonight. I’m sure I have more to say, I’m just not up for being nice.  I love The Three Musketeers, I really did, I just can’t be my usually perky and snarky self.  This blog really does mean that much to me and to know people I consider extended family don’t read it…it hurts.  I love them dearly and I don’t think I could function without them though.

            So there you go.  I loved it, I’d see it again and now…I’m freaking excited to see Puss in Boots.  Yes, I’m a twenty something adult, but I’m still a cat person.  Also, Anonymous, the Shakespeare mystery drama, is coming out.  The literary geek in me is jumping for joy about that one.  It’s also got Rhys Ifans, the actor who played Xenophilius Lovegood in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One.  

            Well, I’m TheCinemaChick and I still cry every time Snape dies.